


as swift as it is tender

by paradisedise



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Art School, Alternate Universe - College/University, Demigods, Friendship, Language, M/M, Romance, Social Anxiety, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-09-18 02:00:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 41,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9360551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paradisedise/pseuds/paradisedise
Summary: When your mother is a deity and your father is some lowlife unbeknownst to you, your life is far from normal.  However, that was life for Taeyong and he has learned to deal with it, somehow.  Now he was nineteen, and he wanted to go to the mortal world--maybe he would fit in better there.





	1. broken with a topaz fist

When your mother is a deity and your father is some lowlife unbeknownst to you, your life is far from normal. However, that was life for Taeyong and he has learned to deal with it, somehow. He spent his childhood surrounded by immortals who saw him as inferior, as a dirty half-blood. Taeyong tried not to resent his mother for going down to earth and sleeping around with humans until she got pregnant, but it was hard to not hate her sometimes for bringing him into a world he didn’t belong in. Now he was nineteen, and he was fed up with the mistreatment he suffered in the Empyrean, where his mother lived, and he wanted to go to the mortal world--maybe he would fit in better there. Taeyong begged his mother, and she eventually relented, using her power to add Taeyong’s name to a university enrollment record. 

“There, are you happy? You can leave me and go be stuck in some tiny dorm room at a college,” his mother chided, helping Taeyong pack his belongings. Taeyong wasn’t sure how he would fit in on earth, but he knew more than anything it couldn’t be worse than up here. Because he was only half immortal, he didn’t have the same abilities as pure-blood immortals. He couldn’t make light appear from his fingertips, he couldn’t snap his fingers and make someone fall in love with him, and he sure as hell couldn’t use his powers to get whatever he wanted. No, instead he had to sleep, eat, and shit like a regular fucking person. The kicker was that he never had the privilege to die. Gods, even demigods, very rarely died, and only under extraneous circumstances did they croak. 

Yes, anywhere had to be better than the heavens. When he found himself standing in front of his single dorm room, he was hopeful. Hopeful that he would find people here who he belonged with, that he would find a purpose, find something or someone he loved. Taeyong opened the door and was a little displeased at what he saw, it was basically a closet. There was a window against the wall, a small twin bed, and a desk. There was a tiny closet off to the side. It was lucky Taeyong didn’t have that many belongings, otherwise there would be nowhere for them to go. Taeyong began unpacking and once he finished up, he laid on his bed and stared at the ceiling. Now what? Taeyong felt strangely empty. He reached onto the bedside table where he put his cell phone and played with it. Up in the immortal world, they didn’t have these. Taeyong had only figured out how to create a new contact when there was a knock on his door. 

Taeyong opened the door and there was a short-statured man in front of him, big, brown eyes and soft black hair. Cute, Taeyong thought, and he quickly realized he was staring. “Um, hi,” he said, unsure how to interact. 

“Hi, I’m Chittaphon, but you can call me Ten. I live in the other single down the hall,” the other boy, Ten, greeted. 

“Uh, Hi, I’m Taeyong,” the demigod said, not expecting for someone to introduce themselves to him so soon after he got there. “What’s up?”

“I figured I would ask you if you wanted to get dinner at the cafeteria together, since neither of us have roommates.” Ten grinned sheepishly. Something about him was comfortable, easy to talk to.   
“Oh, yeah, that would be really nice!” Taeyong replied, a smile creeping onto his face for the first time that day. 

Down in the cafeteria,Taeyong had no idea what to do. When he was hungry before, his mother would just snap her fingers and something would be ready for him to eat. He followed Ten around like a puppy to try and see if he could just copy what he did. Doing so left Taeyong with some slop on his plate that Ten was eating happily but Taeyong wouldn’t dare touch. He hoped Ten didn’t notice him simply pushing the food (could it be called food?) around with his fork. 

“Is it your first year here?” Ten asked in between bites of food.

“Yeah, how about you?” 

“No, this is my second year. If you wanna come hang out with me and my friends sometime, you can. I know it’s hard to make friends when you first get here,” Ten said, and Taeyong almost couldn’t believe how nice he was. He probably shouldn’t get used to this from other people. 

“That would be great,” Taeyong smiled, meaning it. 

A moment passed. “Where are you from?” Ten inquired.

Fuck. Taeyong should have thought about an answer to this before he came to earth. He almost panicked but tried to play it cool. “Not around here,” he said, trying to be vague. Ten didn’t push it and he was grateful.

“Neither am I,” Ten said. “What’s your major? Mine is classical literature, but I have a minor in dance.”

“I actually haven’t decided yet. Right now I’m just enrolled in some general education classes. I’m taking art, though, for fun.” Taeyong continued to push the food around his plate. 

“That’s cool,” Ten smiled. They made small talk for a little while until they were finished eating. Taeyong put his newfound phone knowledge to work when Ten asked for him for his phone number. He got a text an hour or so later. 

From: Unknown  
Hi it’s me, Ten :)

Taeyong pressed probably a million buttons before he figured out how to save a contact from a text. His phone buzzed again. 

From: Ten  
My friends and I are going out tonight, if you wanna come

Try and be social, Taeyong scolded himself. His anxiety screamed at him not to agree but reason got the best of him. 

To: Ten  
That sounds fun!

His phone buzzed right away.

From: Ten  
Awesome, come to my room ready to go at 10

Gosh, Ten texted back fast. Taeyong sent something called an emoji back to him--he was ninety percent sure that a thumbs up meant something good here. 

Close to ten, Taeyong started getting ready. What did people wear to go out? First of all, go out where? In Empyrean, everyone knew everyone so there was no use in going out to meet people. Instead, you just invited people over to drink wine and get drunk off their asses, most people going home with someone different every night. Taeyong, of course, was never invited to these gatherings. That being said, he did not have much experience with drinking alcohol. He didn't try to let his inexperience bother him too much as he pulled on a white t-shirt and some dark jeans. He slipped on his boots and headed down to Ten’s room, not bothering to do anything with his hair. 

Ten opened the door and Taeyong could tell he had put some effort into his look. His hair looked perfectly mussed, black rimmed his eyes, and he dressed like he had someone he wanted to see. Taeyong genuinely thought he looked good. He was almost a little jealous of whoever Ten must be trying to impress. 

“Hi Taeyong,” Ten greeted and Taeyong realized that he was giving the boy in front of him the up down. “Come in.” 

Ten’s room was the same size as Taeyong’s but looked a lot more like a home. There was some sort of coordinated set of bedding on his bunk and posters covered his walls. It was warm, inviting, sort of like it’s resident. 

“You look good,” Ten commented, pulling Taeyong out of his sentimental reverie. 

 

“Oh, thank you,” Ten walked up to Taeyong and studied his face. Ten was really small, Taeyong realized. He knew he was short when he saw him for the first time, but close like this he could tell how tiny his frame was, almost like Taeyong could just pick him up and carry him. He was small but Taeyong could see that his shirt clung to slim, sinewy muscles. 

“Hmm, sit down at my desk please,” Ten asked.

“O-okay?” Taeyong sat down, perplexed as Ten started rummaging through his closet. He pulled out a small back, a shot glass, and a bottle of something. Setting the glass on the table, Ten poured the contents of the bottle up to the brim and handed it to Taeyong.

“Drink this, you’re gonna need it for tonight,” Ten said, digging through the bag looking for something. Taeyong was a little apprehensive. He had been surrounded by alcohol his whole life, his mother went and drank with her friends, had friends over for drinks, and he heard his classmates talking about drinking in school. Taeyong, on the other hand had never actually had a drink. He was never invited to the gatherings where he might have had the chance, and his mother was a little protective of him. It wasn’t like Taeyong had a desire to drink back then, as he had seen his mother flushed and bumbling too many times to see the appeal.

He might as well drink it though, right? He was here at a college with how many tens of thousands of people, it was what everyone did, right?

“Are you gonna drink it?” Ten asked, approaching Taeyong with eyeliner in his hand. That eyeliner was getting dangerously close to Taeyong’s face and he was a little afraid.

“What are you doing, Ten?”

“Let me do this, you’ll look even sexier than you do right now,” Ten muttered, resting his hand on the side of Taeyong’s face. Blushing, Taeyong suddenly felt the pencil dragging along his top eyelid, uncomfortable and he tried not to blink. When Ten took the pencil down to his bottom lid, Taeyong couldn’t help but flinch. 

“Stay still or else I’m gonna fuck it up.” Ten scolded. Taeyong huffed and looked up, trying to prevent the pencil from stabbing him in the eye. Ten rimmed the other eye and then smudged the liner with his finger. Thoroughly uncomfortable, Taeyong tried to rub his eyes before Ten grabbed his wrist to stop him. “Don’t you dare, go look at yourself,” Ten demanded. 

Taeyong got up to look in the mirror on Ten’s wall and was surprised how much a little black around his eyes could do for him. He looked really fucking good--it was hard for him not to smolder in the mirror. He held himself back for fear of looking silly. “I guess I do look pretty good.”

“I told you so, now come and drink this,” Ten beckoned, reaching out to hand Taeyong the shot. “Wait, actually,” Ten retracted his hand, “I’m going to have this. You take the bottle.”

“You want me to drink from the bottle.” Taeyong deadpanned. 

“Yeah, I have a feeling you’re going to need it more than me. It’s just vodka, nothing crazy,” Ten lamented. Taeyong figured that might be the understatement of the year. “Alright, bottoms up.” Ten chugged down the shot, unaffected. 

Apprehensive, Taeyong tipped the bottle back and holy shit, it was so disgusting. He kept drinking, not knowing how much he was actually supposed to drink. He forced it down for a good number of seconds before he couldn’t take it anymore. When he put the bottle down, his throat was on fire and his face was warm. Ten was looking at him incredulously. 

“Holy shit, you can put it away,” Ten smirked. “Hopefully that doesn’t come back to bite you.” Taeyong wasn’t exactly sure what he meant as Ten led him out the door. 

\-----

Taeyong knew exactly what Ten meant when he walked, or more like stumbled into the frat house. His brain was a little fuzzy as he looked around. What he saw was frankly terrifying, but he couldn’t really bring himself to care. It was dark and hazy and fucking sweltering in there, packed from wall to wall with college students who seemed like they had nothing better to do than grind on each other. The music was deafening and he could hardly hear anything that Ten was probably shouting into his ear. Taeyong needed more alcohol, as bad of an idea as that was. 

“Sorry, what?” Taeyong yelled back, disoriented.

“I said these are my friends! Yuta, Hansol, and Johnny,” Ten said, gesturing to three people in front of him. The one farthest left, Yuta, Taeyong guessed, was short compared to the giants that Johnny and Hansol were. The tallest, Johnny, waved his hand in a greeting and the other gave him a nod. 

Johnny handed Taeyong a flask. “Want some?”

Yes, Taeyong definitely wanted some. He snatched the flask from his hand and threw it back, enjoying the burn that slid down his throat. Taeyong swallowed a few times before Ten touched his wrist. “Sweetheart, stop.” Taeyong blushed at the pet name despite knowing it was probably just something Ten said to everyone. 

“Johnny, you’re gonna kill him,” Ten whined to the man in front of him. He didn’t seem upset though, he was actually smiling and looking like a giggle would bubble from his lips at any second. 

“I’m sure he’s fine, Ten,” Johnny smiled, tipping the flask back himself. “Right now though, I’m on the prowl.” Johnny stalked off into the mob.

“Where is he going?” Taeyong asked, innocent. 

“Probably to go mack on some innocent freshman girl,” Yuta snorted, watching Johnny’s lanky figure disappear. “I wouldn’t mind doing the same, actually. Come on Ten, let’s go,” Yuta grabbed Ten’s wrist, dragging him away. Taeyong noticed a glint of something in Ten’s eyes however, almost sad. Taeyong and Hansol were left in the corner of the room, haze and sweat beginning to cling to Taeyong’s clothes. It was amazing how fucking cliche this whole thing was, like it was straight out of a movie. Taeyong had always assumed that that kind of shit was fake. College students were there to get a degree and learn, right?

“I’m not normally into things like this,” Hansol said, trying to make conversation. “Yuta knows not to force me to participate in whatever they’re doing.”

“I was wondering why they excluded you,” Taeyong mused, no longer questioning what Ten’s meaning of friend was. After being excluded his entire life, he was concerned for Hansol just for a brief second. They stood in comfortable silence for a moment. Taeyong was caught off guard when a girl approached him, short and voluptuous. 

“I couldn’t help but notice how sexy you looked standing over here,” the girl purred, placing her hands on Taeyong’s chest. Taeyong had never been approached like this. He knew he was objectively attractive, it sort of came with the territory of being part-deity. However, he was still a nervous wreck most of the time and had no romantic or sexual experience with anybody. That also came with the territory of being part-deity where he was from. Needless to say, his heart was beating so fast he thought it would burst out of his ribcage. The girl’s hands slid down his body and rested on his waistband. “How come you’re here all alone?” 

Taeyong looked to his side and saw that Hansol had disappeared. He couldn’t have expected anything from some guy he just met, but he would have appreciated his ass not being flaky when it should have been clear that he was uncomfortable in the situation. Isn’t that just common courtesy? When Taeyong turned his head back to the girl, he was shocked to find her just inches away from his face. She had her head tilted and Taeyong closed his eyes and tried to brace himself for what was about to happen. 

A moment later, lips were on his. They were soft, plump, and it felt pleasant. At least Taeyong thought it did. That also could have been the buzz of the alcohol thrumming through him now that the swig he took from Johnny’s flask was starting to hit him. Taeyong felt the girl pushing harder against him, her hips pressed against his and his back pressed against the wall. Her fingertips were still on his waistband, settled there impatiently. She opened her mouth and Taeyong felt her tongue against his lips. 

He was supposed to open his mouth, he thought, so he obliged and felt the girl licking into his mouth. He felt a little dirty--he didn’t even know this girl’s name. Isn’t this what he was supposed to be doing though? He came to college to feel validated after being rejected his whole life, and fuck it, he was going to let himself get lost in some stranger. The discomfort he felt earlier when he got there was gone and his mind was beginning to cloud, a mix of drunken buzz and desire. Taeyong was disappointed when he felt the girl pull away. 

“What’s your name?” she asked, her tongue pressed against the inside of her cheek.

“Taeyong.”

“Taeyong, wanna go upstairs?” she hummed, looking at Taeyong. A little voice at the back of his head wanted him to say no, I don’t know you and that’s a bad idea. A bigger voice inside of him said don’t you feel like being an idiot and agreeing to this?. Taeyong ended up being dragged upstairs by the arm by the girl without the chance to ask her name.

~~~~

He was thrown on some likely disgusting bed that was riddled with dirt and grime and bodily fluids, but all Taeyong could think about was how dominant this girl was being. He sort of liked it. She climbed on top of him and felt her tugging at the bottom of his shirt and Taeyong felt a funny feeling at the pit of stomach, almost like insecurity. He let her pull his shirt over his head anyway and she leaned down and kissed his neck. It felt really good, Taeyong thought, trying to convince himself. The physical sensation was nice but there was a tugging in his chest that urged him to get away. It wasn’t easy though, not when the girl had his shoulders pinned against the sheets in a compromising position. She started kissing him on the mouth again, and Taeyong lost track of time, his mind fuzzy and the din of the party downstairs drowning out any thoughts he might have had. 

Taeyong snapped back, however, when he felt the girl reaching down for his belt buckle, her long nails clicking against the metal. He started to panic, this really wasn’t a good idea. 

“What are you doing?” he managed to ask, pushing up onto his elbows.

“Just let me blow you,” she said, and for the first time he could see how intoxicated she was. Her face was flushed and her fingers were moving clumsily, like she couldn’t control them. This felt wrong, Taeyong needed to leave, he needed to get out of here and find Ten and go home back to the dorm. Before he could push her away the door they didn’t bother to lock burst open. 

“What the hell is this?” a low, booming voice echoed through the room and Taeyong felt his blood run cold. “What the hell are you doing?” the man shouted, pulling the girl off of Taeyong. 

“Making you jealous,” the girl smirked, letting herself be manhandled. Taeyong really fucking had to get out of here. He redid his belt buckle and grabbed his shirt off of the ground, throwing it on haphazardly as he tried not to watch the situation in front of him unfold. Taeyong supposed they knew each other, maybe they were even dating and she had only been paying attention to Taeyong to get the attention of the other guy. A small, juvenile part of Taeyong couldn’t help but feel a little used. He slipped out of the room and ran down the stairs, desperate to find Ten or one of his friends. 

He spotted Johnny first, pushing some girl up against the wall of the room and slipping his hands underneath her shirt. Taeyong really didn’t want to interrupt them so he turned to the crowd, pushing his way through everyone and searching anxiously for Ten. He spotted him backed up against some man that looked comically tall next to small-statured Ten. Taeyong didn’t bother with the notion of leaving them alone, instead shouting the smaller man’s name to get his attention. 

“Ten! Can I talk to you?” He yelled, trying to reach out to Ten but finding it difficult to push past the couple that was in between them. Ten huffed, frustrated, but obliged and somehow the two of them pushed their way out to corner of the room. 

“What is it, I was having fun,” Ten whined, a drunken smile on his face. “Wasn’t he hot?” 

“Yeah, he was hot I guess,” Taeyong said, “Listen, something just happened and we need to leave.” Taeyong’s anxiety was beginning to swell uncomfortably in his chest, he was concerned the guy from upstairs was going to come find him and beat him up, or something. 

“Okay, okay we can leave,” Ten was fixed on something happening a few feet away from them, his eyes glazed over. Taeyong looked over and saw Johnny again, this time going to town on that same girl’s neck. Her head was thrown back against the wall and Johnny’s fingers were threatening the waist of her leggings. Ten was watching him quite intently.

“Is that not normal for him?” Taeyong asked, curious because Johnny looked particularly in his element. 

“No, it’s normal for him. Really normal,” Ten trailed off. He looked back at Taeyong and the life came back to his eyes. “Whatever,” he choked out, “let’s go.” The two of them made their way outside, the chill of the air drawing goosebumps to the skin of Taeyong’s arms. They walked towards campus quietly for a little while before Ten spoke up. 

“So, what happened?” he asked, almost a whisper. Taeyong recounted the story and frowned a little when Ten chuckled. “That’s fucked up. I feel a little sorry for you, your first college party and you leave feeling used.” The smaller man was looking up, wistfully. Taeyong didn’t say anything and just looked at him for a moment. After more silence, they eventually made it back to the dorm and they stood outside of Ten’s room for a moment.

“I’m sorry if your first night at college wasn’t fun,” Ten mumbled, “I wanted to have fun. I wanted you to have fun.” He was talking so quiet Taeyong could barely hear him, a stark contrast to the bubbly and vivacious boy that he had gotten ready with. 

“It’s okay Ten, I had some bad luck but I definitely want to go out with you again,” Taeyong replied, gently. He could tell Ten was upset. Ten pulled Taeyong into a tight hug, catching him by surprise. Ten’s head was resting against his shoulder, and Taeyong couldn’t tell what the shudder that spilled from Ten’s chest could have meant. When he pulled away, his eyes were wet. 

“Goodnight, Taeyong, I’ll see you tomorrow okay?” Ten gave a watery smile, and Taeyong could only give a ghost of a smile as a response as Ten disappeared into his room. 

~~~

Taeyong wasn’t surprised that his head was pounding the moment he woke up. The light was too much and he probably looked silly the way his brow was furrowed, trying to withstand the sun that had something against him this morning. He reached blindly for his phone that he assumed was on his desk and found a text message from Ten. 

From: Ten  
Sorry if I was weird last night!! Take a painkiller and come eat lunch with me. I’ll be in the caf :)

A painkiller sounded fabulous right now, Taeyong thought. He betrayed his aching body when he got out of bed and rummaged around in his drawer till he found a bottle of asprin and gulped a few down. He sat on the edge of his bed for a moment, staring at the ground. The lassitude of reality was starting to set in. He had gone out last night, let some stranger kiss him, got caught by said person’s boyfriend, and then begged his only friend at this college to leave. How pathetic. Ten’s civility in his text message was too nice of him since Taeyong basically ruined his night. Stomach grumbling, Taeyong pulled on a T-shirt and a pair of sweats and made his way down to the cafeteria.

He was only slightly more confident with navigating the cafeteria but somehow Taeyong managed to grab a bowl of cereal and find Ten. Johnny was sitting at the table across from him and they were talking animatedly. Taeyong felt a little awkward intruding. He scooched a chair out and sat down. 

“Hey Taeyong,” Ten grinned, “are you feeling okay this morning?”

“I’ve been better, hopefully this painkiller kicks in pretty soon. How about you guys?” 

“I’m okay, surprisingly. I had a headache a little while ago but I feel okay now,” Ten replied, pushing the food around his plate. 

“I’m feeling pretty damn good, actually,” Johnny smirked, putting a bite of his breakfast into his mouth. 

“Do you live in this building too?” Taeyong asked, taking a bite of his cereal. 

“No, I live in the next dorm over. Ten and I always have breakfast after a night out, it’s our tradition,” Johnny said, smiling at Ten. Ten smiled back, blindingly. 

“We were roommates last year,” Ten added. 

There was a pause in conversation. “Did you guys see that girl I was with last night?” Johnny had a shameless smile on his face.

“Yeah, you two were going at it from what I could tell,” Taeyong added with a laugh. 

“Let’s just say that the sex was amazing and I could die happy right now.”

Taeyong snorted and took another bite. Ten was quiet beside him, sipping water. “Are you actually going to talk to her again?” Ten asked, his voice soft. Taeyong could feel his putting a guard up, closing off. It was unusual and particularly similar to his demeanor last night. 

“Who knows, you know how I am, Ten,” Johnny said, seemingly oblivious to the shift in Ten’s mood. Johnny’s phone buzzed and he grabbed it quickly, smiling. “Duty calls,” Johnny winked at Ten and Ten smiled back weakly. “I’ll see you guys later.” 

Just Taeyong and Ten were left at the table. Ten looking down at his plate, pushing his food around his plate and letting the fork scrape against the porcelain. Taeyong was a little concerned, despite only knowing him since yesterday. He was desperate to lighten the mood. 

“Did you sleep okay?” Taeyong asked, trying to get Ten’s attention. He looked up.

“What? Oh, yeah I slept okay. What about you?” 

“Like a log. I wasn’t even aware I could sleep that soundly.” Ten chuckled, a tinge of warmth returning to his face. Taeyong was satisfied but wanted to make Ten feel even better. Something warm and aching bloomed in his chest. He just wanted to see Ten smile, to see him happy. It was silly how much affection he felt for Ten despite meeting him just a few days previously. They ate the rest of their breakfast surrounded by comfortable conversation.


	2. with a shade of chrome

The first day of class came all too quickly. Taeyong had some bullshit gen-eds and one elective, art. He had been relatively interested in art in high school but his experience never went beyond the simple painting and drawing classes that he sat (and sometimes slept) through. He knew he had somewhat of a talent for it, and since he was going to school for shits and giggles, he figured it would be good to devote most of his time to it. First he had to get through microbiology, though. 

Campus was a fucking maze. Why the fuck did it have to be so complicated? Taeyong asked some person on the street where the natural science building was like the dumbass freshman he was and they said it was across the street from the psychology building. If only Taeyong knew where the psychology building fucking was. He found it eventually, stumbling into the lab ten minutes late and earning a disapproving look from the instructor. 

“It looks like Mr. Late has walked in, thank goodness we can start now!” the instructor drawled, condescendingly. Taeyong didn’t know what to do so he muttered an apology and scurried to the nearest open seat next to some frat dude. Taeyong was a little suspicious of the greek letters on his sweatshirt considering his only experience with fraternities was the party from the past weekend but it was the only place to sit that didn’t require him to cross the entire room in hopes of finding a seat. 

Class dragged slowly despite Taeyong struggling to copy notes from the slides that the professor was going through so quickly. He found out he had reading to do before class even though it was only the first day, so he was lost. The reason they had the ability to assign homework before class even began was beyond him. Eventually the instructor let them go and Taeyong packed his stuff up before the frat guy got his attention.

“Hey dude, what’s your name?” 

“Taeyong, what about you?” Taeyong stuttered, taken aback that someone decided to talk to him randomly. 

“I’m Doyoung, I’m a brother in Pi Alpha Kappa and we’re having a party tonight for welcome week. I’ve been told to recruit some attractive guys to come tonight for the sake of luring in girls, so I figured I would ask you.” Doyoung looked Taeyong up and down. “You look like girls would be into you, so you should come tonight. No homo though.”

Taeyong was confused at the last sentiment but decided to let himself be flattered. “I’ll consider it, where is it at?” Taeyong shrugged on his backpack. 

“Give me your number and I’ll text you the address,” Doyoung shoved his phone into Taeyong’s hand. The thought of operating a phone was terrifying, but Taeyong put his limited knowledge to use and managed to add himself as a contact. 

“Cool, I’ll see you tonight then dude,” Doyoung put his hand out as some sort of farewell. Taeyong had seen in movies that people will shake hands when they say goodbye, so he figured that was what this must be. He grabbed Doyoung’s hand and tried to move his arm but Doyoung had pulled him into an embrace and hit him hard on the back. Taeyong couldn’t process the ritual until Doyoung was off into the hallway and a text with Doyoung’s name had already been sent to his phone. That was weird, but at least he could head to art class now. 

Luckily the art building wasn’t as hard to find as natural sciences. Taeyong figured out it was right next to the football stadium and that was one of the things he couldn’t miss, considering it was a gigantic circle dedicated to worship jocks that were his same age and did the same thing he did. There were posters everywhere with the team’s schedule and dramatic photos that cost god knows how much money to shoot. He found it hard to understand why the student athletes were glorified so much, considering everyone never shut the fuck up about them. Nevertheless, he found the art classroom easily and sat down, a few minutes early. 

The tables were tall, made of thick wood and the stool he sat on was a little wobbly. He was excited, though. The door opened and caught Taeyong’s attention. A familiar face walked in and sat down across the table from him. 

“Hey, Taeyong! It’s me, Yuta, Ten’s friend,” the boy said, a blinding smile on his face. “We met at the party.”

“Oh, hi! It’s good to see you again,” Taeyong meant it, relieved that he knew someone in the class. “Are you an art major?”

“Yeah, I am. Are you?”

“No, I’m just taking this class as an elective, I liked art in high school but I never knew if I should pursue it or not,” Taeyong smiled, feeling a little shy. 

“Thats cool, if you need any help let me know,” Yuta said and then his phone had his attention. Taeyong felt a little awkward, sitting in silence and just watching students trickle in the door but not actually looking at them--that is until a certain person walked in. Taeyong could have sworn he was the most beautiful person he had ever seen in his entire fucking life, including all of those fuckers up in heaven. Holy shit, he was hot. 

He was wearing a slim black turtleneck sweater and jeans, but Taeyong could see tattoos peeking from the collar. His hair was jet black and cut short on the sides and he had a painfully handsome face. Was he coming closer? Fuck, he was, and he was sitting down across from Taeyong and next to Yuta. 

“Hey Yuta,” the man smiled, and fuck Taeyong’s life he had dimples. Deep set, adorable dimples that were juxtaposed against the masculinity of his face. Up close, Taeyong could see studs adorning the cartilage of his ears. How the hell did Yuta know him?

“Jaehyun, good to see you! I didn’t know you were in this class,” Yuta smiled back, looking happy to see him. Jaehyun, that was the name of this beautiful creature in front of Taeyong. “Aren’t you almost done with your major coursework?”

“Yeah, I have this class and another one that’s only offered in the spring, so I’m stuck here until May,” Jaehyun chuckled, not looking particularly distressed. “Whatever, though, it’ll be fun to be on campus while not having a lot to do.” The bottom of Taeyong’s stomach dropped when he saw the tongue piercing in Jaehyun’s mouth. 

Fuck, Taeyong could feel a sneeze coming. He tried to hide it and he probably looked like a fucking idiot, his face turning all red and his nose scrunched up. He would do anything not to sneeze in front of Jaehyun, because that was embarrassing right? Taeyong thought it was embarrassing, especially considering he had been told that his sneezes were loud. Why the fuck was he even sneezing anyway? Was he getting sick?

Apparently the wrath of the gods were upon him today, because holding in his sneeze eventually led to Taeyong sneezing extra explosively. Everyone in the room looked at him, surprised such a noise could erupt from a human being. Taeyong wanted to die. 

“Gesundheit!” Jaehyun said, across from him. Jaehyun just fucking spoke to him. “That was quite the sneeze.”

“Oh right, this is Taeyong. He’s friends with my friend Ten,” Yuta said, uninterested. 

The smile on Jaehyun’s face reached his eyes, turning them into crescent moons. “Nice to meet you, Taeyong, my name is Jaehyun,” he held out his hand and Taeyong shook it. He was grateful Jaehyun didn’t participate in whatever greeting ritual that frat dude Doyoung did. Taeyong didn’t think he could handle being that close to Jaehyun, even for a second. “Are you an art major too? I haven’t seen you around.”

“Oh no, I’m just taking this as an elective. It’s my first semester here.”

“So you’re just a baby! Cute. If you need help with anything I’m here to help,” Jaehyun grinned, and Taeyong was going to explode. The professor walked in and Taeyong was saved, albeit briefly. He kept sneezing the entire class. 

~~~

Taeyong needed advice regarding the party that night, so he decided to go to Ten. Actually he was forced to go to Ten, considering Ten was the only person on campus who could be considered a friend. He thought it would be pointless to text him when he lived right down the hall, so he decided to knock on his door instead. Ten answered the door, and Taeyong couldn’t help but notice the red rings around his eyes. Ten sniffed and tried to stand up straighter when he saw it was Taeyong. 

“Hi, Taeyong, what’s up?” Ten managed, plastering a smile on his face. 

“Is everything okay?” Taeyong couldn’t ignore the obvious displeasure on Ten’s face. Ten’s watery smiled faltered briefly.

“Of course, why wouldn’t I be? What did you need?”

“I got invited to a frat party tonight and don’t know if I should go,” Taeyong sighed, lamenting over his latent social anxiety. 

“What frat?” Ten asked.

“Pi Alpha Kappa.”

“Fuck, Pike? How did you get invited to that? They normally only invite girls,” Ten gaped, looking surprised. 

“I don’t know, some guy in my class said they wanted attractive guys to come,” Taeyong shrugged, “to attract girls, or something.”

“So that’s what it’s like being hot? Seems like a lot of fun,” Ten said, looking a little irritated. “I wish I was as good looking as you. You would be stupid not to go, by the way. It’ll probably be a really good time with lots of booze and lots of people for hooking up with.”

“You’re good looking too, Ten,” Taeyong mumbled, meaning it. “I’ll go, I guess. Can I get ready in your room?”

“Of course, that would be fun!” Ten’s smile morphed into something more genuine. After a short farewell, Taeyong went to his room and pulled out his phone.

To: Doyoung  
When and where is that party tonight?

His phone buzzed back lightning fast.

From: Doyoung  
11pm. I’ll send you the location. See you there!

A map to the house was attached to the next message and Taeyong wasn’t sure what he was about to get himself into. 

~~~

After a smudge of eyeliner on his waterline by Ten and a few (four? five?) shots poured down his throat by the smaller man, Taeyong was in front of a house that night after being dropped off by a cab. The leather jacket he was wearing wasn’t enough to keep him warm but Ten forced him to wear it, claiming he looked sexy. It was a little bit after the party started but he sent Doyoung a quick text saying he was here and stumbled up to the door, already a little bit drunk.

He knocked on the door clumsily and Doyoung answered after a moment. “Bro, you’re here! Good to see you,” Doyoung brought Taeyong in for a real hug and Taeyong could smell the cheap alcohol on his breath and feel how flushed his cheeks were. Doyoung was really drunk and it wasn’t even midnight. Taeyong wasn’t far behind. “Come in, have a drink.”

Taeyong was dragged through the house to a dingy kitchen, already littered with cups and was that vomit in the corner? Taeyong really tried not to look. “Have a sip of this,” Doyoung said as he shoved a big plastic bottle into his hands. Burnett’s Pomegranate, the bottle read. Taeyong wasn’t sure what it was but he regretted drinking it as soon as the foul liquid hit his lips with Doyoung tipping the bottle back, Taeyong unable to stop him. His throat was burning and it was so fucking unpleasant but he didn’t want to disappoint Doyoung. He needed friends, he needed to fit in and have the college experience. It wasn’t long before Taeyong was shitfaced, almost unable to stand. 

He was sitting on a couch with Doyoung, the other man even drunker than Taeyong if that was possible. 

“Bro, you see that girl over there?” Doyoung said, leaning into Taeyong’s ear. His hot breath made Taeyong uncomfortable, like he could feel condensation from it settling in the crevices of his ear. He shivered. “She’s totally into you, I heard her talking about how hot she thinks you are.”

“Hmm, really?” Taeyong mumbled, feeling more sleepy than anything.

“Yeah, go talk to her,” Doyoung giggled and pushed Taeyong off the couch, letting him stumble over towards the girl. Taeyong weighed his options. He could go and talk to her and probably make out with her in a few moments, possibly get laid, and then feel regretful and dirty in a couple hours. He would also lose his virginity to some random person and from all of the stupid cliche things he had heard before, his first time should be with someone special. However, Taeyong was really fucking drunk and didn’t give a shit about anything, so he went to talk to the girl anyway. She was attractive and he was desperate, so things were panning out. 

“Hi,” Taeyong greeted lamely, resting his hand on the wall behind the girl. Her friend had snuck off, leaving the two of them alone in the corner of the room. This girl was different from the one at the other party. This girl was tall, almost as tall as Taeyong himself and her full hips slid down into thick thighs. Her tummy was exposed by a crop top and it was soft. Taeyong’s mouth watered. 

When Taeyong found himself in the bathroom of the house, back against the wall and the girl’s warm mouth around him, he couldn’t help but throw his head against the plaster and enjoy the dull pain that throbbed through his skull. The feeling in his lower half was so much, it felt so fucking good and his fingers were in the girl’s hair, tugging her face closer to the base of his stomach. A moan escaped his mouth and she looked fucking sexy, wetness gathering at the corners of her eyes. Taeyong came apart and she swallowed him down and kissed him, hard. Taeyong was blissed out, feeling fuzzy, but the thought of how a pierced tongue would feel in his mouth instead clouded his mind.

~~~~

Taeyong was rudely awakened the next morning by a pounding headache and an overwhelming need to throw up. Panic set in and he ran down the hall to the community bathroom, barely making it into a stall before emptying the contents of his stomach. The toilet bowl was a sickening color and Taeyong let his cheek rest against the toilet seat, ignoring how gross that could be. He tried to recap the events of the night in his head. The first thing he remembered was sipping satan’s piss from that bottle that Doyoung handed him and then the next thing was sitting on the couch with him. Somehow he ended up in the bathroom, got his dick sucked, and after that in a cab back to his dorm. At least he didn’t end up having sex with her, as pretty as she was. Taeyong knew he would have felt bad about that. Taeyong leaned back against the stall until he started to space out, knowing he was probably going to be late for class. His headache wouldn’t let up. 

After letting himself feel sorry for himself for a while, he pulled himself off of the floor and back to his room. The time on his phone was frankly terrifying, and he threw himself together to make it to his psychology lecture on time. The class was benign, simply syllabus review and then the prof letting them loose. Taeyong took the opportunity to collapse back into his bed after throwing up a second time. The nausea was relentless for the rest of the day and only subsided after a long afternoon nap. He woke up to a text from Ten asking him to meet for dinner. 

“So how was the party?” 

Taeyong glanced down at the sad pile of spaghetti on his plate. How was the party, he thought. Was it good? Taeyong wasn’t sure what a good party was supposed to be like.

“I don’t really know. I got really fucking drunk and a girl sucked me off, is that good?” The more Taeyong thought about it, the sadder he felt. He wasn’t sure why the melancholy was beginning to set in, only that it left him with strange ache in his middle. 

“I would say that’s decent,” Ten snickered. “I assume you’re into girls?” 

Taeyong had never really thought about it, given no attention had ever been given to him in Empyrean. Thinking back, he never really had any serious crushes on anyone in school either--he was too focused on how poorly the lot of them treated him. At the thought, the pit comfortably occupying Taeyong’s stomach expanded. He definitely didn’t mind the way the girl from last night’s body was shaped into thoughtfully placed curves and the way the swell of her chest looked in her shirt. But then he thought about Jaehyun and even Ten and how their shoulders tapered down into narrow hips and strong legs. Both ideas appealed to Taeyong. “I guess I don’t really have a preference.”

“Interesting. I’m really fucking gay, in case you didn’t know.” 

“You compliment me enough, I sort of figured,” Taeyong conceded, “plus you grinding on that guy at the frat was somewhat of a tip-off.”

Ten took a bite of his dinner. “You know you’re really attractive, right?”

Taeyong blushed. “I guess. My mom is really beautiful, so I figure I must get it from her.”

“You could honestly get anyone you wanted. Male, female, whatever.”

“You’re attractive too! You could have anyone you wanted too.” 

Ten laughed, twinged with sadness. “I suppose. Although I haven’t had much luck.” Taeyong felt a little sad at the admission. 

“Is that why you’re in a single this year?” Taeyong asked.

“You could say that. Johnny asked me to live with him again this year, but I told him no.”

“Why?”

“He’s my best friend and I love him, but I don’t think living with him was the best arrangement for me.” Ten couldn’t meet Taeyong’s eye. Taeyong didn’t want to push it. They ate their dinner quietly, the only noise filling their ears being the chatter of other diners and the distinctively irritating noise of silverware on porcelain. Taeyong’s mind wandered to the previous night, and the party before that as well. He started to think about what it was like to be close to someone and how good it felt in the moment and how awful it felt in the current moment. 

“We’re just too different,” Ten began and Taeyong perked up, curious that Ten was volunteering information. “In the beginning we got along great, we were so similar and he made me laugh all the time.” Ten sounded wistful.

“I started to realize we weren’t as similar as I thought. Eventually I realized that we were really, really fucking different.” Taeyong watched Ten carefully, observing the way his eyes were beginning to cloud. “He’ll always be my friend, but I think I’ll be a lot happier this year living on my own. At least I hope so.” Taeyong wasn’t sure what to say, so they lapsed into silence again. 

Ten began speaking again. He liked to talk, even when the mood seemed low. “Why did you live in a single this year? I know that you’re not from around here, but you could have roomed blind.”

Taeyong looked down at his plate. “I guess I was afraid to room blind. I didn’t really have friends in high school, so I wasn’t sure how to interact with people. I’m still not really sure how to, so I figured it would be simpler to live alone.” When he looked up, Ten was smiling at him. 

“Well, I’m your friend now, so you don’t have to worry about that. Plus, I’m right down the hall if you need me, whenever.” Taeyong smiled back. “I mean it, Taeyong,” Ten added. 

The pit in Taeyong’s stomach receded, ever slightly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i realize i didn't post notes for last chapter!! so hello everyone. thank u for taking the time to read my fic!!! i really appreciate the comments and kudos so far :) it really motivates me and i love reading what u guys have to say. i wanted to capture the feeling of a large american university in this fic, since thats where im at right now, but give it a little twist as well. let me know what u guys all think. thanks again!!!!!!!!!


	3. like an arrow

The next day meant that Taeyong got to see Jaehyun again. He woke up nauseous again, which was strange considering he wasn’t hungover. Taeyong went out of his way to not drink last night, not wanting to have to suffer though class in the morning. As he was getting ready, he realized he would see Doyoung again too, that should be interesting. The chill nipped at the lobes of his ears as Taeyong walked to class and he enjoyed the way shivers ran through his body when a particularly strong breeze wove in between the seams of his sweater.

Doyoung wasn’t in class today, which Taeyong found strange considering it was only the second day. Taeyong didn’t mind, though--he didn’t feel like discussing the party with him or god forbid be invited to another one. Taeyong didn’t think he could take getting that sickeningly drunk again for a while. He still took notes as diligently as he could and tried to raise his hand a few times to kiss the instructor’s ass. He couldn’t help but look forward to seeing Jaehyun later, though. 

Taeyong arrived to art class early today and much to his demise, so did Jaehyun. The taller man sat down on the stool across from him, and Taeyong shook his foot relentlessly, his knee hitting the thick wood table every time. He was tongue-tied by the mere presence of Jaehyun. 

“Hey there,” Jaehyun smiled, and Taeyong’s stomach flipped. “How has your day been?”

“It’s been okay, I feel a little sick but I’ll be fine,” Taeyong tried to manage a smile.

“I’m sorry to hear that, I hope you feel better. Maybe getting some coffee this weekend would make you feel better a little quicker,” Jaehyun said with a lilt to his voice, like he was asking a question. Taeyong wasn’t sure exactly what he meant. Taeyong didn’t drink much coffee, but he guessed he could go grab some from the caf sometime this weekend. Was it some trick to curing sickness that only Jaehyun knew?

“I guess I can try some coffee in the cafeteria later, yeah,” Taeyong mused, unaware.

“I meant that you could have coffee with me.”

“What?” Taeyong’s soul might have just left his body, but wasn’t about to let himself feel that way. 

“I’m sorry if thats forward, it's just that I think you’re very handsome and I would like to get to know you a little bit better outside of class,” Jaehyun said, scratching his back a little sheepishly. There was a blush blooming on his cheeks and Taeyong’s mouth felt dry. 

“That would be great, actually,” Taeyong said, a similar blush appearing on his face. Jaehyun’s hand slipped to the side of his neck and Taeyong’s eyes were drawn to the black ink that covered his skin. Even his hands were adorned and Taeyong thought they were painfully beautiful, his fingers sculpted and slender. Jaehyun’s free hand slipped his phone over to Taeyong, a new contact screen showing on the screen. Taeyong couldn’t help but notice the stars outlines on the back of his hand, disappearing into his sleeve. 

 

“I’ll text you if you give me your number.” Taeyong obliged immediately, typing frantically while trying to avoid typos. Just as he was handing the phone back, Yuta and some others walked in. Jaehyun gave him a small smile and made small talk with the other students. Taeyong stole glances at him the entire class period. 

~~~

From: Unknown  
Hi Taeyong, its Jaehyun. Would friday be okay to go for coffee?

Taeyong’s heart stopped when he saw the message a few hours after class that day. He scolded himself for being so dumbstruck for Jaehyun. He’s just a student just Taeyong himself and he had no reason to be acting so silly. He was smart and attractive, right?

To: Jaehyun  
Of course!! What time?

From: Jaehyun  
Would 6 be okay?

Taeyong wasn’t sure what else to say, so he just sent a simple response.

To: Jaehyun  
Of course! 

From: Jaehyun  
Awesome, I’m really looking forward to it. :) I’ll come to your dorm and we can walk there together.

Taeyong typed back a response with the name of his dorm and his room number and plopped onto his bed. He was already overwhelmed at the prospect of going on a date with Jaehyun. He had a feeling he would probably need to throw up or something during it because Jaehyun was so freaking gorgeous and he wouldn’t be able to handle it. There was only one thing to do.

To: Ten  
Are you in your room?

From: Ten  
Yeah, whats up?

Taeyong didn’t bother explaining and instead went down to Ten’s room, knocking on the door. Ten opened up and Taeyong took the liberty of collapsing onto Ten’s bed. 

“I have a date,” Taeyong sighed into Ten’s pillow. He was happy about it and excited, he guessed, but more than that he was nervous. Jaehyun was about to graduate and probably a lot older than him and more experience and holy shit, what if Jaehyun tried to have sex with him or something. They were just going to get coffee, it should be okay, right?

“Holy fuck, with who?” Ten jumped on top of Taeyong and the larger man felt the air get squeezed out of him.

“His name is Jaehyun.”

Ten hopped off of Taeyong just as quickly, looking dumbfounded. “Holy shit, Jaehyun like Yuta’s Jaehyun?”

“Yeah, do you know him?” Taeyong asked, wondering why Ten was so surprised.

“I met him once, but holy fucking shit he is so gorgeous. How the hell did you score a date with him?” Ten gripped Taeyong’s shoulders. “Plus he’s super exclusive! And a little shy.”

“It sounds like you know him pretty well,” Taeyong said, shoulders a little sore from Ten’s fingers digging into them. Ten only continued to look at him, prying and incredulous. “He’s in with my art class, so is Yuta. He literally just asked me out today, simple as that.”

“Holy shit, I am so jealous,” Ten was heavy on the swearwords today. “Jaehyun is so freaking sexy, like mouthwateringly, fuck me now sexy.” 

“I know, sicko. That's why I’m freaking out.” Taeyong shrugged Ten’s hands off. “I’ve never been on a date before.”

“Never? Not even once in high school or something?”  
“No, like I said high school was fucked up. Have you gone on a date?”

“Yes, you innocent flower, I have been on dates before.” Ten said. “Wait, does this mean you’re a virgin?” Taeyong could only blush. “Holy shit, are you serious? But you’re so fucking hot. How has no one wanted to fuck you before?”

“Fuck you, I don’t know!” Taeyong was a little irritated, his pride hurt. He was good looking, Taeyong was sure people have wanted him before, they were just scared or something. The girls from the party wanted him, or at least the second one did. Or maybe she was just drunk, or bored. Either way, that didn’t change the fact that Taeyong was a major blushing virgin. He was going to need to work on that. 

“You’re welcome to fuck me whenever you want,” Ten snickered and Taeyong rolled his eyes. 

“I’m actually freaking out, asshole, you need to help me. What the hell do I even do? What do I wear? We’re going to a coffee shop.” Taeyong sighed.

“A coffee shop? That's cute. I don’t think you need to worry too much, just let me dress you and Jaehyun won’t be able to keep his hands off you.” Ten giggled, enjoying this more than Taeyong was. 

Jaehyun couldn’t keep his hands off of him. What a thought, Taeyong mused. He wasn’t sure if he was more excited or terrified at the prospect of Jaehyun touching him, his mouth pressing against his own with his hands on him, in him. Taeyong shuddered, still not able to sort out the thoughts clouding his head. 

~~~

When Friday rolled around, the thrumming in Taeyong’s gut hadn’t subsided--if anything, it had gotten worse. He was sitting on his hands in Ten’s room while the tiny man in front of him was digging through what Taeyong assumed was a makeup bag. He felt sick to his stomach and his form fitting pants and flannel didn’t help (he’ll like it if you dress like he does, Ten helpfully supplied. Taeyong wasn’t sure if that was the case). 

“Could you not come at me with your death trap pencil?” Taeyong pleaded, dreading the moment in the near future when Ten was going to stab his eye out with eyeliner.

“Don’t be a baby, you’ll look good.” Taeyong could only huff in defiance. Before he knew it Ten was at his waterline with the pencil and Taeyong was trying to will the defensive tears away, his eyes unhappy at the intrusion. “There you look sexy.” Ten looked quite pleased with himself. 

Taeyong’s phone buzzed, Jaehyun’s name lighting up the screen. “Fuck, he’s almost here.” Taeyong left the room frantically, but not before giving Ten a bear hug and thanking him for his help. As annoyed as he seemed, he was grateful for the time with his friend to calm his nerves. Taeyong sat down on his bed and waited for the knock on the door.

It came and Taeyong’s stomach flipped violently. He took a breath and got up, opening the door and feeling sick at how fucking good Jaehyun looked. 

“You look great,” Jaehyun said, that lovely smile spreading across his face and the dimples that made Taeyong feel funny appeared. He couldn’t help but blush at the compliment, looking down sheepishly at his shoes.

“Thank you, so do you,” Taeyong smiled, shy. Jaehyun looked amazing as usual in a characteristic black ensemble. The combat boots that he was wearing made Taeyong feel weak in the knees, as well as the oversized sweater. The sleeves came over Jaehyun’s hands in an endearing way. There was a brief moment of silence. “Should we get going?”

“Oh yeah, sorry. I was just looking at you.” Taeyong felt like he was going to fucking die. “Lets get going.” Jaehyun’s smile widened. They walked to the coffee shop making small talk, but it wasn’t awkward. Taeyong couldn’t look at Jaehyun much, it made his chest hurt. He found out that Jaehyun was twenty-three, grew up just a few miles from the school, and had been doing art since he was in kindergarten. Taeyong’s heart ached hearing about Jaehyun talk about art, how inspiring it was for him and how passionate he was for it. He looked so wistful and beautiful as he told Taeyong about why he preferred painting with acrylics or drawing with a certain lead point. Taeyong wished he was so in love with something. 

They made it to the coffee shop and Jaehyun insisted on paying for Taeyong’s drink, much to his protest. Taeyong wasn’t concerned about money, his mother’s powers allowed him to have a sufficient stack of it in something called a bank account. He didn’t really understand how swiping a piece of plastic was payment for something, but he was grateful he didn’t have to worry about it. Apparently Jaehyun didn’t have a lot to worry about either. 

“I work at the local art center and teach drawing to elementary schoolers,” Was Jaehyun’s justification for having the money to pay. The fact that Jaehyun worked with children was so fucking adorable to Taeyong. They sat down at a table and Taeyong sipped his latte, scared to start conversation.

“So why did you decide to come to this university?” Jaehyun initiated. Taeyong figured he might as well be honest. 

“High school wasn’t a good time at all for me, and I wanted to start new somewhere. I never really thought that college around here was an option, but I figured it out and I’m hoping that I’ll like it better than my stifling hometown.”

Jaehyun chuckled. “That’s so different from me. I went here because it was close to home. I don’t think I could stand being so far away from my mom!”

“You have a good relationship with your parents?” 

“Just with my mom. I haven’t seen my dad in a little while.” Something melancholy slipped into Jaehyun’s voice. 

“If it makes you feel any better I’ve never seen my dad,” Taeyong added, feeling like they might be able to relate in their pity. Jaehyun paused for a second, letting the words from Taeyong’s mouth marinate in his head. 

“What about your mom?” Jaehyun asked, taking a sip of his drink. Jaehyun put about eight packets of sugar and cream into his coffee, contrasting greatly to his appearance. Taeyong felt a little uncomfortable with the subject.

“She means well, she does. I just feel like she didn’t really know how to take care of me, or she didn’t really feel like it,” Taeyong rested his cheek in his palm, stirring his drink. “She never really stood up for me, and it's not like she didn’t have the chance to.” He stopped himself before he could spill his guts to the man in front of him. “What about your mother?” Taeyong looked up at Jaehyun to find him looking down into his drink. 

“She’s wonderful,” Jaehyun said, “she’s everything I could ask for. It blows me away how accepting and supportive she is of me, no matter what. I mean, you’ve seen me, right?” He giggled.

Taeyong smiled, feeling a little embarrassed. “I wasn’t going to say anything. I love all of your tattoos, and stuff,” he couldn’t help but admit. 

“I’m glad you like them,” Jaehyun replied. The smile still hadn’t left his face. “Theyre not her favorite but she was always there when I needed her, and I don’t think I could ever do enough to repay her. I’m lucky to have someone who actually gives a shit. It’s sad, how many people who don’t.” 

“I think I know what you mean,” he confessed, watching the steam from their drinks unfurl in the air. “I sorta mentioned it, but I didn’t really have a lot of friends in high school,” Taeyong exhaled, “actually I didn’t have any, to be specific.”

“I find that hard to believe.” Jaehyun leaned back in his chair and Taeyong tilted his head, inquisitive. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but you’re wildly attractive. I’m surprised you weren’t taken when I asked you out.” The smaller man’s face lit on fire, a ruddy blush splotchy across his face.

“I’m not lying!” Taeyong’s embarrassment left him a little defensive and Jaehyun merely raised his hands in defeat.

“If you say so.”

They slipped back into conversation like they did walking over, and before Taeyong knew it their cups were dry and he hadn’t thought about how nervous he was in a while. Something about Jaehyun was comfortable, despite how intimidating he might seem or how anxious Taeyong was initially. He made Taeyong feel warm. It was the evening before Jaehyun looked at the watch that wrapped around his wrist. 

“Oh shit, that art class I teach starts soon,” Jaehyun looked frantic all of a sudden. “I’m so so sorry, but I have to go. I didn’t know I would lose track of time so easily with you.” A smile crept onto the older man’s face. Taeyong wasn’t sure what he meant by that. “I really wanna see you again, though. Would that be okay?”

“Oh, yeah, that would be great.” Taeyong was taken aback that Jaehyun was asking. Did the date go well? Taeyong had a great time, but he sort of figured it was just him who felt that way. 

“Shit, I really really wanted to walk you home but I don’t have the time,” Jaehyun looked distressed. “I’m really really sorry, I’ll make it up to you with dinner next time, okay?” Taeyong froze when Jaehyun leaned down and pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “I’ll see you later.” His smile was blinding but it disappeared much too quickly for Taeyong’s taste as the taller man rushed out the door, leaving Taeyong confused and a little love struck at the table. 

~~~ 

The first thing Taeyong did when he got back to the dorm was knock on Ten’s door, anxious to tell him about the date. It was a date, right? He couldn’t really think too hard about it on the way home, his brain feeling numb. He figured Ten would be a good person to debrief with. Ten whipped open the door and pull Taeyong into the room, almost viciously.

“How was it how was it how was it?” Ten’s mouth was moving too fast for Taeyong to understand. He was also jumping up and down and had his arms wrapped around Taeyong’s neck, which the taller man couldn’t help but find cute. 

“It was okay, I think. He had to leave pretty suddenly, something about how time went to quickly.” The scream in Taeyong’s ear let him know that was a good thing, apparently.

“That’s so cute, holy shit,” Ten giggled, hugging Taeyong tighter. “I’m so happy for you, you’re so cute and he’s so cute and you guys will be so cute.” 

“You’re more excited than me!” Taeyong laughed, Ten’s happiness contagious. “I think I’m gonna see him again.” Right then Taeyong’s phone vibrated.

From: Jaehyun  
I’m really sorry again for running out on you! Would two weeks from today be okay for dinner?

“He just asked me out again,” Taeyong smiled, excitement running through him.

“What are you gonna say?” 

“Yes of course, dummy,” Taeyong said, squeezing Ten. He texted Jaehyun back.

To: Jaehyun  
That sounds great :)

Taeyong threw his phone down onto Ten’s bed and collapsed onto it. He covered his hands with his face and grinned, feeling a little silly at how happy he was. Ten laid down next to him and ruffled his hair without saying anything, despite the smaller’s desperate attempts to style it just a few hours earlier. It was the happiest he’s been in long while, maybe since Taeyong could remember. 

“Now we need to find someone for you!” Taeyong turned onto his side facing Ten, to find him staring at the ceiling. Something dark fell over his face and the change in the atmosphere of the room was palpable. Taeyong wondered what he had said that was wrong. “Ten?”

It took him a moment to respond. “Hmm?”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, nothing is wrong.” Ten insisted, a tremble in his voice. His mood had shifted so quickly Taeyong was concerned. 

“Something is wrong, tell me. You can tell me, Ten,” Taeyong prodded, not wanting to leave Ten alone with himself. 

“I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to find someone,” he murmured, sounding exceptionally blue. Ten turned onto his side to look at Taeyong and the sadness in his eyes was obvious. The words that came out of Ten’s mouth made no sense to Taeyong. Of course Ten was going to find someone. 

“What do you mean? I know I haven’t known you for that long, but you’re a great guy, Ten.” Taeyong reached out and placed a hand on Ten’s cheek.

“Thank you, Taeyong, that’s nice of you to say. Just based on stuff from the past, things have never worked out in my favor.” Ten’s sad smile displaced Taeyong’s hand. Taeyong didn’t know what to say, so he simply told Ten more about his week and his day, relishing the laughs that bubbled from Ten’s lips every once in a while. Ten deserved to be happy, he really did. Taeyong hoped Ten knew that. 

~~~

The next week was progressing too slowly, as Taeyong was anxious for his second date with Jaehyun. He got to see him a couple times during the week, but it wasn’t enough. The few moments before class started and after class ended were too brief for Taeyong’s liking and he craved to be with the older man more. It was silly how much of a lovesick puppy Taeyong was, even though he knew what he was feeling couldn’t be called love. He also figured that time was passing too slowly because he didn’t have enough to do. His gen-ed classes hadn’t started assigning too much homework and Ten was pretty busy with his dance club during the week. Fortunately, Ten’s friend Hansol had offered him a reading tutoring job for his little cousin. Taeyong took the job because he was pretty decent at reading in school, but he was a little nervous working with kids. Nevertheless, he found himself at the library waiting for the kid’s mom to drop him off. 

Taeyong spaced out and played with his phone until he felt a little tap on his shoulder. He looked down and saw probably the most adorable little boy he had ever bared witness to in his life. 

“Hi.” The little boy spoke softly and his cheeks were so chubby that Taeyong felt nauseous with how cute he was. “Are you Mr. Taeyong?”

“That’s me, are you Jisung?”

“Yeah. I’m six and a half. How old are you?” Jisung was proud of his age, by the sounds of it. 

“I’m nineteen.” Taeyong paused, not sure how to interact with the child. “Should we get started on your reading?” Jisung huffed and sat down at the table next to Taeyong, pulling a book out of his backpack. The book cover was mostly green and brown and letters that spelled ‘Days With Frog and Toad’ were at the top. Taeyong had never heard of the book before, they probably had different elementary reading materials in Empyrean. Jisung opened the book up to the first story called “Tomorrow.”

“Toad woke up,” Jisung read aloud. “Dr-, dr-”

“Drat,” Taeyong supplied.

“Drat, he said, this house is such a mess.” Jisung continued reading and Taeyong was impressed that he was going through it smoothly. Why did he need tutoring in reading? The story progressed and Toad kept saying he would do all of his household chores tomorrow. Eventually Toad came to his senses. 

“I feel down in the dumps,” Jisung read, studying the page carefully. “Why, asked frog. I am thinking about, about tomorrow, said toad.” Jisung’s brow furrowed. He struggled through the page, a contrast to how easy the words were flowing out of his mouth earlier. 

“I am thinking about the many- the many things that I will ha-” the boy stuttered, “I will have to do. Yes, said frog. Tomorrow, tomorrow will be a very hard day for you.” Jisung sighed.

“Can I stop for a second?”

“Of course. You’re doing a really good job,” Taeyong supplied, hoping that would lift some of the frustration from Jisung’s face. Jisung just stared at the book, his face tense. 

“Thank you, Mr. Taeyong,” he replied distractedly. Taeyong waited a few moments, thinking Jisung would start again but he didn’t.

“What’s wrong? You were doing good,” Taeyong was worried.

“Sorry, I’m just thinking about tomorrow. I don’t think tomorrow will be a good day for me, just like it won’t be for Mr. Toad.”

“Why is that?”

“I have to go to school,” Jisung put his chin on the table, not looking at Taeyong. 

“Do you not like school?” Taeyong was confused. Didn’t little kids like going to school? Taeyong definitely didn't like going to school when he was little, but he wasn't your average kid. Jisung, on the other hand seemed like he would thrive at school. He was cute, didn't seem shy, and from what Taeyong could tell he didn't have any issues with class work. What could be the problem?

Jisung was quiet for a moment. “I don't get along with the others.”

“Why?” Taeyong wished Jisung would look at him. He hardly knew him, but Taeyong couldn't help but ache for the little boy. 

“It's hard to talk to them. I'm shy and they're mean to me,” the boy sighed. Taeyong felt vaguely uncomfortable but he couldn't put his finger on the reason why. 

“You don't seem shy to me, Jisung. Actually, you seem outgoing for someone your age.” Taeyong said, gentleness in his voice. He was mildly horrified when Jisung looked up at him and his eyes were shiny. Taeyong wasn't sure he could handle a crying six and a half year old in the middle of a public library. 

“It's easy to talk to you, Mister. It's just people my age who are scary. The teacher thinks I can't read just because I get scared and can't talk when she calls on me to read from the book.”

Realization struck Taeyong with blunt force. He was uncomfortable because of how much Jisung reminded him of himself. Taeyong could remember vividly sitting in his desk while the other kids played over on the rug, not making an ounce of effort to include him. He remembered being laughed at when he stuttered giving the teacher an answer to a question. He remembered hearing bits and pieces of a rushed and whispered conversation between his mother and his teacher-- ‘he isn't doing well,’ and ‘maybe he would be better off somewhere else’. He remembered the acute sadness in his chest that burned like acid as he walked out of the classroom that day holding his mother’s hand. Taeyong also remembered going back to school the next week and the teacher eying him incredulously, almost like she couldn't believe he was still there. He hoped to god that Jisung wouldn't have to feel something like that, or that he hadn't already. 

“I'm sorry, Jisungie,” Taeyong whispered, suddenly overcome by himself. “You can talk to me about it whenever you like.”

Jisung was still looking at him. “Thanks, Mr. Taeyong. I think it's okay if I start reading again now.” 

Taeyong nodded and listened as Jisung read, stumbling over the occasional word but overall doing very well. He seemed okay again by the end of their tutoring session and when he waved to Jisung’s mother as they left the library, Taeyong felt hopeful. Jisung was going to be okay, just like Taeyong was okay. It sucked for a while for Taeyong, fuck more than just for a while. It sucked for a long time, but Taeyong got through it. His childhood still bothered him from time to time, more often than not, even, but he was alive, he was here and he was doing alright. Taeyong let himself feel that was what was important.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you guys enjoyed the chapter!!! as always i love reading your guys' comments and getting kudos. thank u!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! see u next time, hopefully soon :)


	4. in my marrow

Taeyong felt sick the day of his date. He woke up overcome by nausea so severe that his mouth was watering and he felt like he couldn’t move without throwing up. 

“Fuck my life,” he nearly sobbed, another morning of him resting against the toilet stall, trying to stave off the drool that wanted to leak from his mouth. 

“Taeyong, Is that you?” Taeyong heard Ten’s voice from somewhere else in the bathroom and Taeyong wasn’t sure he could deal with the attention or embarrassment, considering he had yet to flush the toilet from his previous heaves. He exhaled and stared at the ceiling, feeling wildly sorry for himself.

“Yeah, it’s me,” Taeyong breathed.

“Can I come in?”

“I threw up everywhere, but I guess you can.”

Ten stepped into the stall after peeking at Taeyong from under the door. “Gross,” he muttered, looking into the toilet bowl. “Don’t tell me you shit yourself, too.”

“Fuck you, Ten, I feel like complete asshole,” Taeyong looked up at Ten annoyed, not needing the other man’s sass at the moment. “I have a date with Jaehyun tonight and I’m puking my guts out.” Taeyong felt like his father in that moment, despite not knowing him. He just figured that this was something that he would probably do, fucking some shit up and being completely useless. Taeyong was a little pressed considering how sick he had felt lately. More often than not he had woken up congested or nauseous, or went to sleep with a headache. He figured it was probably just the stress of adjustment to the college environment,

“Fuck, you do? When?”

“Around six.” The self-pity was heavy on Taeyong’s shoulders.

“Well, you don’t have a lot of time so get up, I’ll take care of you, dummy,” Ten reached out his hand to Taeyong, seemingly not grossed out that they were just on the tiled floor. Taeyong got to his feet but not without another wave of queasiness passing over him. Ten reached down and grabbed a piece of toilet paper and wiped his lip, throwing the tissue into the toilet and flushing it. “Let’s go.” Taeyong let himself be coddled.

“You need to brush your teeth and wash your face now, where’s your locker?” Taeyong told him and gave him the combo, leaning against the counter of the sink and resting his face in his hands. Ten set the stuff on the counter and ran his hands through Taeyong’s hair. The brevity of Taeyong’s short and unfortunately human life began to reach him and he started to get emotional, for some reason. Ten being so tender with him was overwhelming, like the prospect of someone caring was unthinkable. He remembered a specific time when he was around ten and he had a terrible cough. Gods hardly ever got sick, only when they were getting close to death. Taeyong got sick a few times in his childhood due to his half-humanness, but his mother didn’t know how to take care of him. Maybe she didn’t know how to take care of him or maybe she didn’t want to, but the truth didn’t change that Taeyong was alone in his room, coughing so hard he dry heaved. He remembered one time he did throw up, miraculously making it to the bathroom before his stomach emptied itself and then collapsing on the floor, exhausted and sick with sadness. Footsteps came up the stairs and Taeyong was hopeful that his mother interrupted her dinner party to come comfort him. Instead, she barged into the bathroom.

“Could you keep it down? My guests are wondering what is going on.” Taeyong cried a lot that night, both on the bathroom floor and in his bed. 

Needless to say, the gentle swipe of Ten’s fingers when he wiped his face and the fingers in his hair were too much for him to handle. He didn’t want to cry again, not in front of Ten, so he collected himself before raising his head and looking at Ten. 

“Sorry, I just really don’t feel good.”

Ten tapped him on the cheek, smiling brightly. “You’re in luck because I have an over the counter pharmacy in my room.”

Taeyong ended up on Ten’s bed with Ten digging through his closet, eventually pulling out a few bottles of pills and another of an offensively pink liquid. Ten gave him a cocktail of tablets (painkillers, he said) and a capful of the stuff that Taeyong figured was a sick unicorn’s piss. He gulped it down at Ten’s request and tried to ignore the chalky aftertaste coated his mouth. 

“I’m not letting you go to class like this so you get to stay home with me while I study for my exam next week,” Ten said, pulling out his textbook and taking a seat at his desk. Taeyong looked worried, concerned about skipping. “Don’t argue with me, I can tell you need the rest. Try and take a nap, I’ll take care of you.” Ten smiled at him and Taeyong laid down on Ten’s bed, closing his eyes. 

“Thank you, Ten, I mean it.”

“Of course, Taeyong.” Maybe it was because they didn’t breathe oxygen up in Empyrean, or maybe it was because he was overcome with emotion, but Taeyong felt short of breath as he drifted off to sleep.

~~~

It was early afternoon when Taeyong woke up, the backs of his eyes burning from the sunlight streaming in through the window. He groaned, unwilling to open his eyes. Fortunately, he felt a lot better than he did earlier. 

“Someone woke up,” Ten was over Taeyong in an instant, resting the back of his hand on Taeyong’s forehead. There was a smile on Ten’s face but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. Taeyong rolled over onto his stomach, face buried in the pillow.

“What are you doing tonight?” Taeyong asked, curious since normally they would be hanging out tonight if Taeyong wasn’t going on a date. Maybe he was going out with Yuta or Hansol, or someone. Ten probably had tons of other friends, which made Taeyong feel childishly insecure.

“Johnny is taking a night off of his douchebag life and we’re going to a movie,” Ten said, turning back to his book with a furrowed brow. 

“You don’t sound super happy about it.”

Ten’s hand stopped mid-page turn. The page fell back down slowly and Taeyong was worried he struck a nerve. “I don’t?”

“No, not with the way you just said that. Douchebag life?” Taeyong asked. 

“I’m not wrong, am I?” Ten countered, slamming his book closed. Taeyong felt a little small, seeing how affected Ten was by the statement. 

“I don't know, I don't know Johnny that well and it depends on what you consider a douchebag.” For some self-destructive reason Taeyong felt like saying something impulsive. “If you hate him so much why are you hanging out with him?” 

Ten was still, staring down at the closed book, hands shaking a little bit. He was quiet for a moment and Taeyong was desperate to take back the stupid words that he had said. Ten was already clearly upset and Taeyong had to be an idiot and say something to make it worse. God, he really hated himself sometimes. Ten ran a trembling hand through his hair. “I could never hate him, ever.” 

“You just called him a douchebag.”

“I did, because he is. But he’s also hilarious and he cares about me,” Ten leaned back. “I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone like him again.” Taeyong was quiet, letting Ten muse. “When he’s not being a douchebag I’ve never gotten along with someone so well.” A wistful little smile graced his face. 

“When is he a douchebag, then?” Taeyong had a feeling he already knew the answer. 

“When is he a douchebag?” Ten laughed sadly. “When he goes out and fucks random girls and never calls them again. That’s when he’s a douchebag.”

Taeyong almost possessed the stupidity to ask why that was bad of Johnny to do, considering they were at college and that was something that some people tended to do. However, it was finally through his thick skull that Ten liked Johnny and that’s why he hated it so much. That’s why he got sad when Johnny talked about the previous night’s girl that one morning, and that’s why he couldn’t bear to be his roommate again. Taeyong was sad for Ten. He had never experienced something one-sided like that so he could only imagine the dull ache that rested in Ten’s chest constantly and the spreading of dull pain down to his fingertips when he saw Johnny or heard him talk about his escapades. He could see it on Ten’s face in that moment in the way there was the slightest bit of moisture resting in the corners of his eyes and how his lower lip trembled slightly. Taeyong reached out and rested his hand on Ten’s back, hoping it could offer even just a sliver of comfort. Ten smiled sadly and sniffled at the contact. 

“What are you gonna wear for your date?” Ten changed the subject, obviously uncomfortable. Taeyong's thoughts snapped back to the current situation. 

“I’m not sure, what do you think?”

Ten opened up his desk drawer and rummaged around. Taeyong wondered what Ten was going to pull out, considering most of the things he got out of there caused Taeyong pain--case in point being eyeliner. To the bane of Taeyong’s pitiful existence, Ten pulled out the eyeliner but also a thin black choker with a tiny buckle. “You should wear this,” Ten said, picking up the necklace, “you’ll look so fucking hot.”

Taeyong sighed. “I guess you’re the expert." Before long Taeyong found himself with eyeliner smudged underneath his eyes and the choker around his neck, along with a white button down shirt and black pants. Ten insisted that he look a little more dressy considering Jaehyun was taking him to dinner. Taeyong went back to his room to wait when he got a text from Jaehyun saying he was on his way. 

~~~

Taeyong really wasn’t fucking prepared for the way Jaehyun looked, it really should have been considered illegal. He wasn’t even wearing anything that special, it was just Jaehyun so naturally gorgeous everything looked like pure sex hanging off of his body. Taeyong felt underdressed considering Jaehyun was wearing a cream turtleneck with a black jacket and looked so fucking handsome Taeyong could die. Taeyong couldn’t die, though, because he needed to go out and hopefully have the time of his life with Jaehyun. 

“You look so amazing,” Jaehyun said when Taeyong opened the door and Taeyong was acutely aware of the piercing in his mouth. He saw Jaehyun’s eyes fall to Taeyong’s choker. Ten was right--Taeyong had a feeling Ten was always right. His eyes travelled back up to Taeyong’s and they were so beautiful Taeyong felt his mouth dry up. He could only laugh nervously. 

“You should see yourself,” Taeyong nearly giggled, staring at his shoes. Fuck, Taeyong was such a dork. He hated himself for being so shy but he couldn’t help it when Jung fucking Jaehyun was standing in front of him looking absolutely flawless, silver adorning his ears and lips the perfect shade of pink. Taeyong wondered what color they would be after biting them. Jaehyun smiled and thanked him and then they made their way down the stairs. Taeyong was surprised when Jaehyun opened the passenger door of a black car for him but he slid in nonetheless, impressed with the leather interior. The logo on the steering wheel was familiar and Taeyong had a hunch the car wasn’t cheap. 

“Where are we off to tonight?” Taeyong asked as Jaehyun sat in the driver’s seat and started the car. 

“Is Italian okay? I just really wanted to take you to this restaurant that my mom and I go to a lot.” The ink adorning the skin of Jaehyun’s hands distracted Taeyong. They were clearly the hands of an artist and they looked soft, like the pads of his fingertips would be smooth and leave shudders behind them as they ran up Taeyong’s sides. Taeyong wondered what it would be like to have their fingers intertwined, how it would feel to slot their hands together perfectly, beautifully. He almost forgot to respond to Jaehyun’s question. 

“Oh yeah, of course that’s okay.” After thinking about it briefly, Taeyong found it adorable that Jaehyun wanted to take him somewhere he and his mother went but he tried not to read into it too much. They lapsed into small talk on the drive to the restaurant. They pulled into the parking lot and Jaehyun valeted, something Taeyong wasn’t familiar with. He found it fascinating that Jaehyun would trust some random person to drive and park his car even though he could easily park it himself. It seemed extravagant. 

The hostess seemed to recognize Jaehyun right away and Jaehyun smiled at her, showing the entire restaurant those dimples and Taeyong wasn’t sure how every single patron in that place wasn’t staring at how good looking he was. They were seated in a booth and Jaehyun ordered them some wine. The server seemed to know Jaehyun as well and didn’t even card him despite his young age. Taeyong definitely wasn’t old enough to drink legally, but he wasn’t about to turn down a drink from Jaehyun. 

“How was your day?” Taeyong asked, feeling nervous and a little awkward.

“It was alright, I worked on a painting I’ve been doing for a little while and then went to teach a class.” Jaehyun looked heavenly in the low light of the restaurant, the soft incandescence hitting the tops of his cheekbones. 

“Which class was it today?”

“My fifth graders. It’s a bad age for some of them but most of them are wonderful.” The server came by and poured two glasses of red wine, leaving the bottle on the table. When he asked for Taeyong’s order, Taeyong realized he had been too nervous to remember to read the menu. He mumbled an apology and grabbed the menu, flipping through with the intent of finding something quickly. Fuck, there were no prices. What if he accidentally ordered something expensive? “Order whatever you want, I mean it. I’m just going to have my usual.” The words rolled off of Jaehyun’s lips but Taeyong wasn’t put at ease. He still was worried about ordering something too extravagant and pissing off Jaehyun so he went with the safe bet.

“I’ll have whatever you’re having,” Taeyong decided and handed the menu to the waiter. Jaehyun smiled at him yet again.

“Anyway, yeah today were the fifth graders. I started the current class on tempera paints but today I thought they were ready to move on to acrylics. Most of them were pretty excited about it, especially since they were able to start working with actual canvas and not just paper.” There was light in Jaehyun’s eyes as he talked about the class and Taeyong could tell he really enjoyed it.

“What’s your favorite part about teaching them?” Taeyong was curious. Seeing the genuine interest in Jaehyun’s eyes was intriguing considering Taeyong had never really had a passion of his own. Jaehyun looked thoughtful for a moment but soon spoke. 

“I think just seeing them so excited to come to class and create. It’s innocent, almost.” Jaehyun took a sip of his wine and Taeyong watched as his adam’s apple moved. He put the glass down gently. “I feel like even in my college art classes, people show up and it’s a chore for them. I used to teach adult classes and while I know they’re doing art because they like it, I could tell it was forced for some of them. Some of them seemed like they were just grasping at something they may have had an interest in at one point in the hopes of being able to say they had a hobby, or something.” Wasn’t that exactly what Taeyong felt?

Taeyong let out a self-deprecating laugh, feeling stupid all of a sudden. “I think I feel that same way. I’m just in our art class because I kind of liked it in high school and figured it would something to pursue while I was here. I don’t really have any talents, or anything that I actually care about.” Maybe the sadness showed on Taeyong’s face because Jaehyun looked immensely concerned. 

Jaehyun backtracked. “But that’s okay, you’re young and you have all the time in the world to figure out your life.” Jaehyun had no idea how likely that was for Taeyong.

“I guess you’re right.” Taeyong tried to put on a smile, the anxiety driven nausea beginning to pool in his stomach. “Besides the fifth graders, who else do you teach?”

“Just them for right now. I’m working on some pieces for a showcase I have coming in the spring so that’s kept me pretty busy.” Shit, a showcase? Jaehyun must be really fucking good to have his own showcase and Taeyong couldn’t help but feel a little inadequate. 

“You must be really fucking good, then. Who even gets their own showcase?” 

Jaehyun blushed carnation pink and Taeyong’s heart did a backflip. “It’s just cause I’m a senior, or whatever.”

Taeyong took a sip of the drink, the wine going down his throat without much of a burn. “No need to be modest, Jaehyun.” Jaehyun just looked more embarrassed.

“So how do you like it here so far? I know it hasn’t been too long.” Jaehyun asked. It hadn’t even been a month, so Taeyong was still very new to campus and the environment. 

“Well, I’m on a date with you so I would say it’s going pretty well!” Taeyong joked and Jaehyun’s blush intensified, causing him to look away with a grin on his face. “Honestly though, it’s just alright. I’m not really sure how I feel yet.” Taeyong took another sip, the wine sitting heavy and warm in the bottom of his stomach, comforting. “Making friends is hard.”

“Yeah, I know how you feel. Most people you date or become friends with are temporary, especially earlier in your undergraduate studies.” 

Taeyong’s mind immediately jumped to Johnny and his gallivanting and fuck, was Jaehyun like that? Was Taeyong someone Jaehyun wanted to take home and then never call again? He didn’t care if that was what other people were into, but the thought of someone thinking that about him made him feel sick. Insecurity flooded Taeyong and he felt his hands shaking slightly as he rested them in his lap, he definitely didn’t need to feel like he was someone worthless or not worth someone’s time, someone to fuck and then throw away. He already felt like that. “Do you see me as temporary?”

Jaehyun looked like he had just seen a ghost. “Oh shit, no, fuck no I really don’t, I promise.” He was clearly panicked. “I’m an idiot, I’m sorry, I just meant, I just meant that,” Jaehyun trailed off and seeing him so frantic made Taeyong feel a little better.

“I’m just kidding, don’t worry,” Taeyong smiled in an effort to comfort Jaehyun, even if he wasn’t completely telling the truth. 

Jaehyun looked relieved. “Oh thank god, it’s just that from the moment I saw you in that class I thought you were so beautiful, like the most beautiful and I couldn’t believe it,” he rambled, “and I was so happy when you agreed to meet up with me and I thought we clicked really well when we got coffee the other day but if you’re not happy I can leave you alone and you won’t have to deal with me.” 

“Please don’t leave me alone,” Taeyong laughed, flattered by Jaehyun’s obvious panic. He also couldn’t imagine sitting there alone in the fancy restaurant. “I thought the same about you when I saw you in class too, and to be honest I flipped a shit when you asked me out for coffee.” Jaehyun’s lips spread into a smile. 

“That makes me feel a little better. How have you been since I last saw you? We don’t really get a chance to talk much in class.”

How was Taeyong actually doing, he wondered. School had started to pick up and deadlines were expectedly approaching. The microbiology lab report he was working on currently was a bitch, especially with his stupid lab partner Doyoung going missing whenever Taeyong asked to work on it together. Fuck group projects, Taeyong thought. Other than that, he wasn’t doing that much besides hanging out with Ten from time to time, in addition to helping Jisung once a week. “I’ve just been working on schoolwork and doing a little bit of tutoring.”

“Who are you tutoring?”

“A friend of a friend’s cousin, apparently he needs help with reading but I think he does just fine. He just hates school.” 

Jaehyun took another sip of wine. “I thought most kids like school. Is he a teenager or something?”

“No, he’s six. I was surprised he hated it too but I guess it’s because it’s hard for him to make friends.” Jaehyun was watching Taeyong carefully. “It’s something I’m definitely familiar with.”

“Again, I totally don’t understand how you weren’t popular in high school,” Jaehyun sighed, leaning back against the booth. 

A moment later the server brought their food. It was some pasta dish that was creamy and melted in Taeyong’s mouth when he took a bite. He hummed in appreciation.

“Good?” Jaehyun asked.

“Really good,” Taeyong responded after swallowing his bite. “So you come here a lot?”

“Yeah, my mom and I come here when she has the time. Most of the time she’s pretty busy with work but it’s our favorite place to eat out if she gets the chance.”

“Yeah, it seemed like the hostess and server know you. You even have a regular order!” Jaehyun shrugged, looking sheepish.

“Honestly, I should try something new on the menu sometime,” he laughed and Taeyong laughed too, genuinely. Taeyong was glad he didn’t feel sick anymore--he didn’t think he could handle the way Jaehyun’s laugh washed away all of his anxiety but filled his gut with butterflies at the same time. 

~~~

The rest of Taeyong and Jaehyun’s date went smoothly, them chatting about various things and making each other laugh a lot. Taeyong felt light, maybe from the wine but probably because of how happy he was. The beginning of the date was a little awkward and Taeyong let his juvenile insecurity get the best of him at times, but eventually he calmed down let himself enjoy Jaehyun’s company. The older man was driving him home now and the sky was dark. 

“I hope you had a good time, Taeyong.” Jaehyun said, glancing over at the passenger’s seat. 

“I did, Jaehyun,” Taeyong smiled at him, completely honest. 

“By the way, I mean what I said earlier.”

Taeyong wasn’t sure what he was talking about. “What?”

“About you not being temporary. I’m very interested in you, Taeyong, and definitely not just as someone casual.” Jaehyun sounded serious but with a softness in his voice. Taeyong’s chest felt full.

“I feel the same way about you.”

They arrived at Taeyong’s dorm and Jaehyun walked him up to his room in comfortable chatter despite the slight tension between them. When they reached Taeyong’s room, Jaehyun surprised Taeyong when he reached out and took both of his hands. From this position, Taeyong could tell that Taeyong was taller and broader than he was. Taeyong was almost delicate compared to Jaehyun, and he didn’t hate the feeling. The more he thought about it, the more his stomach flipped. After their and seeing how he reacted when confronted about the whole temporary thing, Taeyong started to see Jaehyun as a little more human. Taeyong had sort of idealized him, picturing him as someone absolutely flawless. To be honest, Taeyong preferred this version of Jaehyun--it made him feel like maybe he did deserve him. 

 

“Can I see you again sometime soon?” Jaehyun asked, his head tilted a few degrees. He was looking down right at Taeyong and Taeyong could see something vulnerable in his eyes.   
Taeyong couldn’t help but smile.

“Of course you can.” Jaehyun smiled back at the reply, blindingly bright. Taeyong sucked in a breath when he saw Jaehyun leaning in, just inches from his face and Taeyong couldn’t help but look at his lips, full and smooth and infuriatingly attractive. His lips were parted slightly and Taeyong could see the glint of his piercing. Jaehyun was even more beautiful up close, if that was possible, and the feeling of his breath on Taeyong’s cheek was intoxicating. 

“Can I kiss you?” Jaehyun whispered, his hand coming up to rest on Taeyong’s cheek. His fingertips were just as soft as Taeyong imagined. His palm was warm and Taeyong leaned into the touch, savoring the feeling. Eyes closed, he breathed in, soaking up the moment and the proximity.

“Yes,” Taeyong murmured, and Jaehyun leaned in the final few centimeters, pressing his lips to Taeyong’s. Taeyong melted at the feeling, it was so right and blissful and he could feel sweetness running through his veins, circulating to his fingertips and down into his weakening knees. IT was so much better than kissing those random people at the parties because Jaehyun was here and in this moment he belonged to Taeyong. Feeling bold, he brought his hands up to Jaehyun’s shoulders, gripping the firmness of them. Jaehyun exhaled through his nose and tilted his head, taking Taeyong’s bottom lip in between his and then pulling away, lingering close to Taeyong’s face for a moment before moving back to a respectable distance. 

“Wow,” Taeyong breathed, almost wanting to pull Jaehyun down for another kiss. Jaehyun giggled and it was painfully adorable.

“Yeah, wow.” Jaehyun was beaming, cheeks flushed. “I’ll text you tomorrow, okay?” he suggested, running his thumb along Taeyong’s cheek. 

“Sounds perfect.” 

Jaehyun’s smile grew and he leaned in for a quick peck that made Taeyong’s chest explode with sparks despite how innocent it was. “Goodnight, Taeyong.”

“Goodnight, Jaehyun.”

~~~

Taeyong collapsed onto his bed when he stepped into his room and he wanted to scream into his pillow in excitement. He needed to tell Ten about everything. 

To: Ten  
omgomgomg he kissed me

Ten responded lightning fast as usual. The movie must be over by now.

From: Ten  
Shit omg tell me everything bitch!!!!!!!!!!!

To: Ten  
He kissed me and i died and went to heaven

From: Ten  
alsdS’AawdlkFJs

Taeyong went to sleep with a smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope u enjoy!


	5. in my darkest throes

Schoolwork was piling up as the weeks dragged on. The novelty of newness was wearing off and Taeyong was exhausted by his life. He could hardly keep track of all of the things due, it was like as soon as he finished one assignment he suddenly realized he had another due right away. Taeyong figured it was still stress that made him feel like shit all the time, as sickness wouldn’t escape him for more than a few days at a time. It was nothing major but Taeyong prayed that hopefully his hair didn’t start falling out or something. His relationship with Jaehyun was progressing smoothly. They went out for dinner a couple more times, purely innocent, and Taeyong thoroughly enjoyed himself each time. Taeyong was pleased, but had mixed feelings about Jaehyun mostly because of himself. When he was with Jaehyun, his happiness was pure and it was hard to wipe the smile off of his face or silence the giggles from his throat. Jaehyun made him giddy, like a lovesick teenager; however, that was exactly what Taeyong was uncomfortable with. Jaehyun felt like an adult and Taeyong felt like a kid. 

Taeyong agonized over it as the mild weather turned into something more brisk and their first break of the semester approached. He was supposed to hang out with Jaehyun later at his apartment, after tutoring Jisung for a little while. Jaehyun’s apartment was uncharted territory, their schedules had both been so busy in the weeks prior that most of the time they were meeting up for a quick lunch or chatting before class. They texted pretty often as well, but Taeyong was still nervous about seeing where Jaehyun lived. What did Jaehyun expect from tonight? Because depending on what it was, Taeyong wasn’t sure he felt right giving it. After laying in bed for as long as possible, he found himself getting up and ready to head to the library for tutoring. His phone lit up with a notification as he was pulling on a sweater. 

From: Jaehyun  
Want me to pick you up from your dorm tonight?

Seeing Jaehyun’s name on his phone made Taeyong nervous but also excited. 

To: Jaehyun  
Actually can you get me from the library? I’m tutoring today

From: Jaehyun  
Of course. See you then :) 

~~~

Taeyong got to the library and sat down with Jisung. The little boy had been somewhat of a source of happiness for him--he was so adorable it hurt plus he just had this innocence about him that made Taeyong melt. Today was no different. Jisung had brought a book from school he was reading and Taeyong and him got started. As usual, he read pretty well.

“Hey Mister Taeyong?” Jisung stopped mid-sentence as he was reading out loud. 

“Yes, Jisung?” Taeyong wasn’t sure how many times he told Jisung that he didn’t have to call him ‘mister’. 

“Are you married?” he asked, dead serious. Kids really did ask the weirdest shit, Taeyong thought. 

“No, I’m not married. I’m still too young,” Taeyong shrugged, patting Jisung on the head. 

“But I thought you were a grown-up!” Jisung looked totally betrayed. Taeyong couldn’t help but laugh. If only Taeyong thought of himself as a grown-up as well. 

“I’m definitely not a grown-up, Jisung.”

“I think you’re lying, because you’re just as big as regular grown-ups and mom told me that you do grown-up things like go to college and stuff. So you must be a grown-up, cause if you weren’t a grown up, what would you be?” Jisung looked distressed. “You would be a kid, and then if you were a kid then I would be like, a baby or something because you’re so much bigger than me.” 

Taeyong had learned that Jisung had a habit of talking himself up and getting upset, so he wanted to nip this in the bud before it got any worse. God forbid he start another rant like the one tantrum he had when reading Peppa Pig. “Okay, okay. I’m a grown-up.” Taeyong messed up Jisung’s hair. “And you’re almost a grown-up too, but in order to be a grown-up, you gotta read a lot.”

Jisung lit up and started reading from the book again, eager as ever. Taeyong had never called himself a grown-up out loud before and it contrasted starkly with how he was feeling earlier about his situation with Jaehyun. If Taeyong could relate to Jisung and be his friend, who’s to say Jaehyun couldn’t do the same with him. It didn’t really matter if Jaehyun was a couple years older than him. Taeyong indulged the side of him that wanted to be comfortable with Jaehyun, at least in that moment. 

~~~

Jaehyun was waiting outside of the library in his car when Taeyong was done helping Jisung. It was cold out, Taeyong could see his breath and he wanted to get in the car as soon as he could. The swanky leather seats were still impressive to Taeyong as he slipped into the front seat. “Hello,” he greeted with a smile, looking at Jaehyun. He almost leaned in for a kiss but stopped himself. The naturalness of it was frightening. 

“Hi there,” Jaehyun smiled, dimples causing Taeyong to have yet another heart palpitation. “Are you hungry? I was thinking we could get take out.” Come to think of it, it was early evening and Taeyong had only had breakfast. 

“That sounds good. Can we get pizza?” For some reason, pizza sounded really good to Taeyong. Jaehyun laughed.

“Whatever you want, Taeyongie.” Taeyong wasn’t sure if Jaehyun meant to call him that, but it made him feel warm inside. He had always wanted a nickname but one had never really been given to him. Taeyong couldn’t stop thinking about the way Jaehyun said it as they chatted on the way to the pizza place. 

After picking up the food they rolled up to Jaehyun’s apartment building and made their way up the stairs. Taeyong stepped inside after Jaehyun locked the door and it was almost exactly how someone would expect a college student’s apartment to be, if you ignored all of the art that adorned just about everything. There were canvases all over the walls with an easel in the corner, an unfinished painting resting on the ledge. Taeyong might have noticed a few tubes of paint on the ground as well.

“It’s a little chaotic, sorry about that,” Jaehyun apologized, coming in the door after Jaehyun. Taeyong was certain Jaehyun had no reason to apologize--the paintings were absolutely beautiful. It was clear why Jaehyun was getting a showcase of his own and why he was able to teach his own classes. 

“Are these all yours?” Taeyong asked, in somewhat of a daze. 

“Oh, yeah,” Jaehyun sounded vaguely embarrassed but Taeyong didn’t care. There was one painting in particular above the couch caught Taeyong’s eye. It was abstract, swirls of paint that came together in an absolutely captivating way. He couldn’t help but stare. Jaehyun set the pizza down on the coffee table and sat down on the couch. 

“Come here,” he murmured, leaning back into the cushions. Taeyong walked over and panicked for a split second. How close to Jaehyun should he sit? He didn’t want to seem overeager but he also didn’t want to ice him. He settled on a proximity that was just past platonic and sat down, the gap between their hips begging to be closed. Jaehyun grabbed a piece of pizza and Taeyong followed suit, feeling a little awkward. This was the first time they were truly in private together. 

“Do you not have a roommate?” Taeyong asked, trying to dispel the silence.

“I don’t, I had one every year up until now but I sort of hated it,” Jaehyun said in between bites.

“Why is that?”

“The way I like to work is a little unconventional, so they always gave me a lot of shit.” Jaehyun might have scooched a little closer but Taeyong couldn’t tell. Taeyong hummed in response, grateful he didn’t have to worry about anyone else coming into the apartment. They continued eating in easy conversation and Taeyong was surprised with how much he ate. He expected to restrain himself but he ate as much he wanted. Taeyong took it as a sign that he was getting more comfortable around Jaehyun.

“Hey, Taeyong.” 

Taeyong whipped his head to Jaehyun. Normally, Jaehyun’s hair was gelled and touseled, representative of his art student status, but today it was unstyled and hung in his face like he didn’t have time to mess with it after he got out of the shower. Cute, Taeyong thought. “What is it?”

Taeyong was expecting Jaehyun to blurt out some silly fact, something he was prone to doing. The more Taeyong hung out with him, the more he came to realize Jaehyun was a huge dork. One time they were together in the library and Taeyong was dead-focused on studying but Jaehyun insisted on tagging along, saying he missed Taeyong’s company. Jaehyun sipped coffee and doodled in a sketchbook while Taeyong flipped through his textbook diligently when a dramatic gasp slipped from Jaehyun’s mouth. It scared the shit out of Taeyong. When Taeyong asked what was wrong, Jaehyun told him that he just learned that you couldn’t snore and dream at the same time. (“What is wrong with you? You scared the shit out of me.” “To be honest I just wanted you to pay attention to me.”)

Instead of spewing some irrelevant knowledge Jaehyun actually leaned in for a kiss. It caught Taeyong off guard and he reflexively tensed up but willed himself to relax. They had kissed a couple times since their first date but their opportunities were limited, so they had remained pretty innocent--nothing more than a quick peck or too. Jaehyun lips were supple and pressed into Taeyong’s softly. Taeyong felt a hand rest on his cheek and he sighed, letting himself enjoy the feeling. After a moment, Jaehyun pulled away but stayed close, their foreheads leaning against each other. The smile on his face was radiant and divine and the bottom of Taeyong’s tummy felt funny because of it. 

Jaehyun leaned back but pulled Taeyong close, an arm around his shoulders. “Wanna put something on?” he asked, reaching for the remote. Taeyong hummed in agreement, not really caring what he turned on because fuck, he was closer to Jaehyun than he ever had been. He could feel his fingers wrapping around his shoulders and his strong arm around his back. The warmth of someone else’s closeness was unfamiliar, but welcome. Jaehyun turned on some mildly entertaining sitcom and Taeyong felt himself getting sleepy. He been sleeping late and waking up early lately considering the fast pace of schoolwork lately and his exhaustion was catching up to him. The warmth of Jaehyun’s body was inviting and Taeyong couldn’t help but snuggle up closer, resting his head on his sculpted shoulder and fisting his hands in his shirt. 

Sleep was beginning to creep up on Taeyong when he felt the Jaehyun’s warmth lean away. He whined at the cold space that greeted him and reached out to try and get closer again. “Are you falling asleep, Taeyongie?” Jaehyun asked. Taeyong was too sleepy to get flustered over the nickname and mumbled an affirmative, wanting nothing more than to curl into the larger man’s side. 

“Don’t sleep! I’ll miss you while you’re asleep.” That caught Taeyong’s attention and he sat up a little, rubbing at his eyes. He’d like to imagine he looked positively adorable right now, because he always imagined the person he liked to be irresistible when they were fighting off sleep. Sleepy people were so soft and vulnerable and the thought of a sleepy Jaehyun made Taeyong’s heart hurt. He opened his eyes to Jaehyun looking at him, eyes full of something Taeyong couldn’t place--adoration, maybe. Jaehyun scooted back close to Taeyong again and their lips were just breaths apart. Taeyong was sleepy but the desire to kiss Jaehyun was strong. 

Taeyong decided he would be the one to lean in and kiss Jaehyun so he did and Jaehyun was surprised, he could tell, but after a moment the older man pushed back against Taeyong, kissing him a little harder and putting a hand on his thigh. Jaehyun brough his other hand to Taeyong’s hair, threading through the strands closest to his nape and Taeyong shuddered. Taeyong brought his fingers to rest delicately on Jaehyun’s inked neck, bringing them down to juncture of his shoulder and squeezing, reveling in the thick muscles he felt under Jaehyun’s skin. Heat was starting to pool in Taeyong’s gut and he felt his mind clouding, filled with Jaehyun Jaehyun Jaehyun. 

Jaehyun was getting impatient, bringing his hands to Taeyong’s chest to push him onto his back. Taeyong’s stomach flipped because fuck, Jaehyun was hovering over him and he looked so fucking sexy. His cheeks were flushed and his lips glistened. He leaned in again but led with a swipe of his tongue on Taeyong’s bottom lip. Taeyong opened his mouth slightly on instinct and Jaehyun bit his bottom lip, gently. Taeyong groaned at the little burst of pain but it only served to heat his face up more. Jaehyun pulled away. “Sorry,” he whispered, eyes hooded. “Was that too much?”

“No, it wasn’t” Taeyong breathed, noting the was Jaehyun’s chest was rising and falling. He placed a hand on the back of Jaehyun’s neck and pulled him down gently, craving the feeling of those lips on his own. Jaehyun acquiesced, taking Taeyong’s bottom lip in his own and running his tongue along it again. Taeyong could feel the piercing and it made him shudder, the hard metal of it contrasting beautifully against the suppleness of Jaehyun’s lips. The older man’s tongue slipped into Taeyong’s mouth and the dulcet taste of it sparked something ferocious. His grip on Jaehyun’s neck tightened and he pulled him down even more, arching his back as a sweet noise slipped from his throat. Things were getting dangerous now, Taeyong could feel himself losing control and letting unadulterated want take over him and he wanted so badly to cave in, to let himself get lost in the physicality of the moment. It didn’t help that Jaehyun was biting his lip again. 

Lips move the corner of Taeyong’s mouth and down to his jaw, peppering kisses along the sharp ridge and under it. Taeyong was blissful, content letting Jaehyun have his way with him--he had wanted this so bad for so long and it was finally happening. He moved down to Taeyong’s neck and a shiver ran through him, arousal starting to seep from the seams of his self-control. The stitches of his already weak composure were being pulled taut by the man above him. Taeyong peeked at him and he could see the soft strands of hair that were in the spaces between his fingers. Jaehyun’s face was warm against his neck and when he ran his tongue up the column of Taeyong’s throat, the smaller man relished the feeling of Jaehyun’s stud racing up his adam’s apple. Jaehyun moved back up to his face, lips on Taeyong’s cheek and chin and nose. Of course Jaehyun had to do something cute after all of that, like he wanted to make Taeyong weak on purpose. 

“You’re so beautiful,” Jaehyun purred, reaching up to run a hand through Taeyong’s hair. Taeyong let himself be flattered and take the compliment. His heart felt full.

“Thank you,” Taeyong giggled, and he craned his neck up to kiss Jaehyun again. The larger man pressed Taeyong down into the softness of the couch, gripping his biceps. They kissed heatedly for a while as Taeyong got lost in the feeling of Jaehyun’s hands, lips, and tongue. He hardly noticed Jaehyun’s hands creeping lower on his body, his left gripping Taeyong’s hipbone and the right travelling to his belt buckle. The clink of Jaehyun’s nails against the metal snapped Taeyong out of whatever lust-filled trance and he whipped his head to the side, muscles tensing as he gripped Jaehyun’s wrist. The older man stopped dead and sat up, concern and guilt written all over his face. 

“God, I’m so sorry, was that too much? I’m so so sorry, I wouldn’t have done it if I knew it wasn’t okay and I really should have asked,” Jaehyun exclaimed, standing up so Taeyong was alone on the couch. Bitter, bitter guilt and insecurity flooded Taeyong and rested heavy in his chest and he sat up, breathing quickly. He didn’t know where all this anxiety came from so suddenly, all Jaehyun did was move his hand and for some reason deafening alarm bells sounded in Taeyong’s head. 

“No, no, you’re okay, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have freaked out,” Taeyong mumbled, willing himself to calm down. “I promise you’re okay, I should be sorry instead.” Jaehyun sat down on the couch, a few inches from Taeyong, sighing. 

“Seriously, I’m sorry. I should have realized I was moving a little fast, it’s just that you’re so beautiful and kissing you feels so good but I understand if you’re upset.” 

“It’s okay, just for right now, please,” Taeyong reached his arms out, needing affection to stop the muddy unease from bubbling up in his throat. Jaehyun slid over and wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling him tight and burying his face in his neck. Taeyong could feel him exhale in relief. The contact made him feel better, but traces of apprehension lingered in the spaces between his ribs, even as Jaehyun held him close. Taeyong’s head was underneath his chin and he kissed Taeyong’s head once in awhile and whispered apologies. Taeyong kept telling Jaehyun not to worry, and he seriously meant it. 

He knew the reason he freaked out was because he had never been close with someone before, sober at least, and he was scared. Jaehyun was too much, too beautiful and it hurt so fucking bad. Taeyong couldn’t help but feel like he wasn’t good enough considering that's the only way he knew how to fell. Insecurity wasn’t something that disappeared so easily and he didn’t have the buzz of alcohol to quell his worries. He tried to forget about it as Jaehyun held him and the drone of the TV numbed his mind. His exhaustion returned and he was nearly asleep when he felt Jaehyun squeeze him a little tighter. Taeyong also felt a drop of something wet fall onto his cheek, but he couldn’t place what it was as sleep overtook him. 

~~~

Taeyong woke up a few hours later to Jaehyun stroking his head and he felt groggy, like he wanted nothing more than to just bury into the warmth of Jaehyun’s lap and sleep more. He whined in protest but he knew he had to get up or else he wouldn’t sleep a wink that night. 

“Are you awake, sleepyhead?”

Taeyong whined and sat up much to his chagrin and rested his forehead on Jaehyun’s shoulder. Soft fingertips lifted Taeyong’s chin and he looked up at beautiful Jaehyun, closing his eyes again when he leaned into kiss Taeyong’s cheek. “I should take you home now, baby.”

Taeyong hummed and Jaehyun took him down to the car. Taeyong spaced out the entire drive and eventually his mind shifted to the droplet of something that fell when he was half-conscious. The only explanation that Taeyong could reasonably consider was that it was a tear, but why would Jaehyun be crying? He was knocked out of his stupor as they pulled up to the dorm. Jaehyun offered to walk him upstairs and he let him, not really wanting to be alone at the moment. When they reached his door, Taeyong somehow summoned the courage to ask Jaehyun.

“Were you-,” he started, “were you crying while I was sleeping earlier?”

Jaehyun exhaled, looking down at the ground. He was tellingly embarrassed. “I thought you were asleep,” Jaehyun looked up at him and his eyes were vulnerable. “I’m sorry about earlier, I really am.” He pulled him in for a hug. Taeyong’s head rested against Jaehyun’s collarbone.

“I just really don’t want to fuck this up,” Jaehyun whispered, kissing the side of Taeyong’s head. Taeyong squeezed him a little tighter in a small gesture of comfort. There wasn’t much Jaehyun could do to have Taeyong stop liking him, certainly not a little misunderstanding that was apologized for and seemingly cleared up. After holding him for a minute, Jaehyun pulled away and kissed Taeyong on the lips gently, like he was afraid of hurting him. 

“Message me when you get home?” Taeyong asked, wanting an excuse to text Jaehyun later. 

“Of course,” Jaehyun said, a soft smile spreading on his face. “Goodnight, Taeyong.”

“Goodnight, Jaehyun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick (bittersweet?) update for yall lol no proofreading i die like a man
> 
> comments and kudos as always appreciated :)


	6. white noise

Sitting in the back of the bus was a bad idea, Taeyong thought. His head pounded and the frequent bumps churned his stomach--the only saving grace was that Ten was next to him, rubbing his back when he was visibly distressed. They were on the way back to school after spending Thanksgiving break at Ten’s’ home. Taeyong figured it wasn’t worth it to return home considering they were only given a few days off so Ten invited him back to his place. It was a lovely time, really, Ten’s family was just as nice as he was. They made Taeyong feel completely welcome and were very hospitable, so hospitable it hurt a little bit. It made Taeyong ache to see his own mother, even though he knew that what he wanted their reunion to be like would be nothing like what would actually happen. Taeyong leaned back against the seat’s headrest and closed his eyes, wishing he had motion sickness pills or something. 

“How are you and Jaehyun?” Ten asked. 

“We’re good, we’ve been texting a lot and hanging out when there’s a chance. We’re both pretty busy and he’s been working on pieces for his showcase later this year.” Taeyong kept his eyes closed. “He’s really sweet to me.”

“Have you two done the do?” Ten snickered, grabbing Taeyong’s shoulder and shaking him a little. Taeyong’s eyes snapped open. 

“Oh my god, no, we’re not even official.” 

“Seriously? I really thought you would have by now.”

“Would have been official?” Taeyong asked, glancing at Ten.

“No, I thought you would have done it.” 

“Why do you say that?” Taeyong was worried all of a sudden. 

“I mean, from what Yuta has told me about Jaehyun it's not like he’s a blushing virgin. I would have thought he would have at least tried to get in your pants by now.”

Taeyong didn’t tell Ten this, but that opened the floodgates for all sorts of anxieties for Taeyong. Had Jaehyun been with a lot of people in the past, and how would Taeyong compare to them if they were to ever be intimate like that? Jaehyun was so fucking beautiful and could have whoever he wanted, why the hell would he want Taeyong? Taeyong was nothing special, just average black hair with average brown eyes, an average skinny body and an average, dull personality. Taeyong was a little upset with himself for even letting himself believe that Jaehyun could want him, even considering the things that Jaehyun had told him. Also, Jaehyun had tried to (literally) get into Taeyong’s pants, that one time when Taeyong freaked out and pushed him away. Taeyong really, really liked Jaehyun. He was so kind to him and treated him like he was the world, but that was probably just because Jaehyun was a nice person. If Taeyong kept pushing him away when he tried to do stuff with him, Jaehyun would probably get bored and find someone else. Taeyong wanted so badly to keep Jaehyun, to keep that source of happiness and warmth, so he had to do something about his dumb self. He took out his cell phone.

To: Doyoung  
Hey, any parties coming up?

~~~

There was, in fact, a party coming up and Taeyong found himself in the thick of it that next Friday night. He had an exam earlier that day and felt like complete shit about it, despite having studied his ass off. Ten was tied up tonight with a dance club thing and Taeyong had no other friends, so he decided the next best thing to do would be get fucked up with a bunch of people he didn’t know. Taeyong couldn’t believe his own idiocy. At the moment he was nursing some watery keg beer and leaning over the counter of the frat house kitchen. The clean freak in Taeyong was horrified at sticky dried soda film covered in dust that spread across almost the whole kitchen and he was grateful he wasn’t in a fraternity. He may have went there of his own accord, but he couldn’t imagine doing this three nights a week. The next sip of beer made Taeyong gag and he was a little disgusted with how drunk he was. 

Someone bumped into Taeyong, slamming him against the counter and spilling his drink all over his hand. Great, just what Taeyong needed--a hand covered in sticky shit beer. He turned around, trying to shake his hand dry as the perpetrator ran a manicured hand down his chest. 

“Oops, sorry!” There was a girl in front of him, but Taeyong felt like he wasn’t really seeing her. She reached her arm out towards him, hand holding a flask. “Do you want a sip of this?” Taeyong took it from her because why the fuck not, and the sear of it running down his throat woke him up a little bit. The girl’s other hand lingered on the bottom of Taeyong’s stomach. “Hey so I was wondering, what are you doing right now?”

What kind of question was that? Obviously Taeyong was just standing here feeling sorry for himself until she bumped into him. “I don’t know, what are you doing right now?” 

“Trying to sleep with you,” she giggled. It took a moment for what she said to register. Taeyong grabbed her flask and had another gulp (maybe two), figuring he was going to need it. 

“Are you drunk?” Taeyong didn’t want to sleep with her if she was drunk.

“Not especially. I just got here but I noticed you and I couldn’t help but come over.” Taeyong was going to trust her word. Honestly, the only reason Taeyong came to the party was in an effort to get laid. The whole past week he had agonized over what Ten had said about Jaehyun, that he was experienced and that Taeyong wasn’t. Biting anxiety had been hurting him the entire time and he was sick of feeling it. Losing his virginity had to be the only way for him to stop freaking out. He couldn’t have a repeat of last time with Jaehyun, where he tried to initiate something and Taeyong was a fucking coward and rejected him. If that happened again, Jaehyun wouldn’t give Taeyong the time of day. 

So that’s why when the girl who made Taeyong spill his drink dragged him to some filthy bedroom and took her clothes off, he let her. When she took his clothes off and kissed him, he let her. When she pushed him onto the bed and straddled him, however, he didn’t let her. Alarms sounded dangerously in Taeyong’s brain and he struggled to get out from under her, feeling self conscious and trying to cover himself. 

“What are you doing?” she asked, out of breath. They had been kissing and Taeyong had to admit that he was turned on, but for some stupid reason he couldn’t bring himself to do it. God, he was such a coward. He pulled on his clothes as fast as he could. 

“Sorry, I just can’t.” 

Taeyong ran out of the house as fast as he could without drawing attention to myself and fuck, it was raining and bitterly cold. He made his way back to the dorm, still drunk and stumbling, and while his fingertips burned from the crisp air the hopeless loneliness in his chest hurt more. Taeyong really fucking felt like crying. He didn’t know what he felt worse about, being a fucking coward with Jaehyun or the fact that he tried to fix that by sleeping with someone random. His worthlessness was suffocating and Taeyong was beginning to wonder why he had even come to earth in the first place. He didn’t belong here, but he didn’t belong in Empyrean either. Taeyong really started crying after that, hopefully nobody could tell considering the rain. 

There was only one place Taeyong knew to go besides his own bed, and he didn’t think he could handle being alone at the moment so he found himself knocking at Ten’s door. He knew it was late, way too late to be bothering someone he only met a couple months ago but there was nowhere else for him to go. He sort of wished he could call his mom. A very sleepy Ten answered the door. 

“Taeyong? What’s going on?” Ten rubbed at his eyes. There was no way he didn’t see Taeyong’s watery eyes.

“I’m sorry, it’s so late but I just didn’t want to be alone. I can leave if you want me to,” Taeyong’s voice broke at the end of his sentence. Ten looked alarmed.

“No, no, come in.” Ten stepped back and let Taeyong in. “Wanna get in bed with me?”

Taeyong nodded, thinking that sounded lovely. Ten laid down and Taeyong found his way under Ten’s arm despite Ten being considerably smaller than him. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“It’s nothing, I’ll be okay.”

“Taeyong, I know that’s bullshit. Sometimes I look at you and you look so faraway, so sad and I know that we haven’t known each other for too long but you’re still my friend and I still love you. So please, tell me what’s wrong.” 

A little sob broke out of Taeyong’s chest. “You said that Jaehyun was experienced and I freaked out and went to a party tonight so I could sleep with someone random.”

Ten tensed up. “Did you?”

“No, I couldn’t do it and I hate myself for that.” Ten held him a little tighter. “One of the last few times I was with Jaehyun he tried to do something, I don’t know what exactly, but I stopped him and had a meltdown and he probably thinks I'm a prude, or that I'm immature.”

Tears were running down Taeyong's face at this point and he struggled to get the words out. There was this dark, painful feeling that was running through him, but it wasn't unfamiliar. He felt the same thing most days when he came home from school and collapsed into bed, napping and then staying up late. Taeyong wanted to burrow away into blankets and never get up. “I hate myself and I didn't know what to do. I don't know why I ever thought sleeping with someone random would be a good idea, and I don't know why Jaehyun would ever like someone as worthless as me.”

Ten shushed him and stroked through his hair. It felt good, Taeyong thought, but he felt a little bad he was getting tears and probably snot all over Ten’s bed. “Listen to me for a second, okay?” Taeyong managed to nod. “Never, ever say you’re worthless, okay? Because you’re really not, and I mean it.” 

Taeyong knew Ten meant it and he appreciated the sentiment, but it was a little hard to believe. 

“You’re my friend, you’re funny and kind and the sweetest person I've ever met. I know you don't think so but I do, and I know you probably think that's bullshit but I wanted to tell you anyway. Also, who gives a shit who wants you and who doesn't? If someone doesn't want you, then it's their problem and your worth isn't based on that.” Taeyong was crying harder. “About Jaehyun, he wouldn't be talking to you if he didn't like you, period. How did Jaehyun act when that happened?”

Taeyong sniffled. “He was really sweet about it, he even cried and said he didn't wanna mess anything up.” Ten hit him on the head, lightly. 

“Are you serious? Why the hell are you worrying then?”

“Because you said he wasn't a blushing virgin and I totally am.” Taeyong looked up at Ten through his eyelashes. 

“I don't know anything, okay? Just because Yuta told me some shit doesn't mean that it's true. And even if it was, who cares? He likes you and that's what matters right now.” Taeyong nodded, trying to take Ten’s words to heart, it was difficult, but he was trying. For some reason, the kind words were making him cry even more. Ten held him until the sobs died down and grabbed him a tissue. 

“Do you feel a little better?” Ten asked, and actually, Taeyong did. 

“Mhm,” Taeyong hummed, resting his head on Ten’s chest. “Thank you, Ten. Seriously.”

“Anytime, Taeyong. I think it's a good idea to get some sleep now.” 

Exhausted, sleep overtook Taeyong easily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter, sorry guys! I hope u like it anyway.


	7. ember that i harbor

Who the fuck makes a paper due at nine in the morning on a Saturday? Apparently Taeyong’s psychology professor does, and Taeyong was pissed that he was still up at three-thirty on Saturday morning slaving away over this dumbass essay. Thank god he was finished with it, he just submitted it online and was too awake now to go to sleep. Having coffee at midnight was not a good idea but Taeyong was relieved that it was over. Only one more exam to go before the semester break. Exhausted, Taeyong sat at his desk, staring at nothing in particular. The light of his phone screen caught his eye.

From: Jaehyun  
Are you awake?

Thank god for the fingerprint recognition feature on his phone, because there was no way in hell Taeyong could remember his passcode. 

To: Jaehyun  
yah

From: Jaehyun  
Wanna get something to eat?

Eating with Jaehyun sounded like the best possible thing for Taeyong to be doing right, other than sleeping of course. 

To: Jaehyun  
yes please. pick me up?

From: Jaehyun  
I’ll be there in ten. 

Taeyong didn’t feel like doing anything besides continue to sit and study the random clutter on his desktop. Even though he was looking, he wasn’t really feeling like he was seeing anything. He had felt like that a lot lately. However many minutes passed and Taeyong got the message that Jaehyun was here but fuck, Taeyong didn’t even think about what he was wearing. Joggers and a t-shirt probably weren’t the best things to be heading out into the cold but he didn’t want to keep Jaehyun waiting so he went out anyway, shivering as soon as the frigid air touched his skin. He slipped into the car as fast as he could.

“Where is your coat?” Jaehyun nearly shrieked, utterly horrified that Taeyong would even consider going out in those clothes.

“Hello to you too,” Taeyong smirked, entertained by Jaehyun’s concern. 

Jaehyun sighed. “Hi, Yongie. I’m really happy you were awake.”

“I’m happy you texted me. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I’ve just been up all night working on this one piece I’m doing and I hate it, I can’t get it right.” Jaehyun’s forehead was against the steering wheel and he looked defeated. “I was feeling bad and wanted to get out of the house. I wanted to see you, too.” 

Taeyong’s heart swelled in both pity and affection. He reached out to grab Jaehyun’s hand that was resting in his lap. His palms were clammy, like he was nervous. “Well right now we’re together and you don’t have to think about the piece for a little bit. Should we go to a diner and grab a bite to eat?” Jaehyun sat up.

“Yeah, that sounds good,” he smiled, looking tired. Jaehyun squeezed Taeyong’s hand a little tighter and Taeyong’s heart did a flip. They ended up at some twenty-four hour diner, one where your elbows stuck to the table and the water glasses had yellow-brown lemon slices on the side, but they couldn’t bring themselves to care. Taeyong wanted to eat something horrible for him and then probably lay down for the rest of his life. 

A greasy burger and fries were set down in front of him and Taeyong could hear angels singing. Jaehyun ordered something similar and they both wolfed down the food at a fast pace. 

“Why were you up so late?” Jaehyun asked in between bites. 

“I was finishing an essay that’s due tomorrow morning. Or today, I guess. But I got it done, thank god.” 

Jaehyun hummed, taking another bite. 

“Tell me more about the piece.” Taeyong wanted to know why Jaehyun was upset about it. Jaehyun always seemed so confident in his artistic ability and he was curious as he had never seemed so flustered before. Or maybe Taeyong just hadn’t seen it before. Jaehyun exhaled, frustrated. 

“I still need a main piece for the showcase, like the one with all the lights shining on it that people see when they walk in. It’s so much pressure, because it has to be perfect or else people won’t even want to come past the door.” Jaehyun ran his hands through his soft hair and Taeyong ached to reach out and touch him. He settled for tangling their feet together under the table. The older man glanced up at him and a little smile graced his lips at the contact. “So I’m just stressed about it. I’m having trouble translating my emotions to the paintings, which isn’t usually something I have a problem with. I think I might have too much on my mind.”

“What’s on your mind?” Taeyong was perplexed, inquisitive. 

“You,” Jaehyun smiled bigger and leaned forward on the table with his elbows. “You’re on my mind, Yongie.”

Taeyong felt overwhelmed, both with happiness and of course, insecurity. “And that makes it hard to paint?”

“I think that most of the time I paint the best when I’m sad, or angry.” 

Taeyong didn’t know what to make of that considering Jaehyun didn’t really answer the question. He stared down at his plate, a rosy blush on his cheeks. “So you were sad or angry before and that made it easy to paint but now you’re not so it’s hard?” Taeyong was confused, Jaehyun seeming particularly hard to read at the moment. 

Jaehyun was quiet for a moment, staring down like he was trying to think of what to say. “When I was younger I was really sad all the time, I couldn’t manage even the simplest stuff like getting out of bed. When I say younger I really mean like always and even now. I’m better than I was but it’s still hard.

“So art was a way for me to cope with all of that. But now I have you and you make me really happy, so it’s weird not feeling that way. I don’t know if I know how to function when I’m not miserable. That’s why it’s hard to paint lately.” 

Taeyong was quiet, taking it all in. “Why were you so sad?”

“A lot of reasons, I guess. One just being my brain acting up, the other having to do with my dad and how much of a dick he is. There are others, but I’m pretty sleepy and can’t remember right now.” Jaehyun yawned, seeming nonchalant despite the heaviness of the topic. 

“I think I’m like that too,” Taeyong mused.

“Like what?”

“Sad all the time, like I don’t know how to be a normal person. I feel like everyone around me is enjoying their life and I’m not.” Taeyong felt like talking for some reason, like airing out all of his dirty laundry in this dingy little diner with the most beautiful person on earth in front of him. Taeyong was ready to embarrass himself. “Honestly I’m so scared to get close to you, because I feel like I’ve never been close to anyone. Does that make sense?”

Jaehyun nodded, reaching out for Taeyong’s hand across the table. 

“So yeah, you’re so wonderful and nice to me and it’s weird because most people I’ve ever interacted with have been mean to me. So I don’t really know how to handle myself in a situation like this, where I actually feel okay. I’m scared to be comfortable.” Taeyong felt like an idiot but it felt so good to voice how he was feeling, to vent all of the sadness that was like compressed air stuck in his chest. The words were spilling out of him and he had no control over them, not even sure if they were making sense. “I’m sorry if I’m like emotionally stunted, or something.”

Jaehyun squeezed Taeyong’s palm and his hand was warm and soft. “You’re not emotionally stunted, Taeyong.” There was a soft smile in his voice. “You told me all of that, and I don’t think an emotionally stunted person would be capable of that.” 

Taeyong tried to smile, feeling a little uncomfortable. He knew Jaehyun meant well, he could see the warmth in his eyes. It was Taeyong himself that was the problem.

“Want to go back to my apartment? We both could use a nap.” Jaehyun reached out and ran the backside of his knuckles gently along Taeyong’s jaw, dispatching a shiver down his back. Sleeping in Jaehyun’s arms again sounded lovely. It’s just a nap, Taeyong told himself. It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay, right?

“Yeah, let’s go.” 

~~~

Jaehyun’s apartment was more in a disarray than how Taeyong remembered, but for some reason it didn’t bother Taeyong like the average mess normally would. Jaehyun followed him in after holding the door open and hugged him from behind, surprising Taeyong. He willed himself to relax and after a moment he started to savour the warmth on his back and the strength of the arms around his waist. He breathed deliberately, slowly, but it hitched when Jaehyun pressed a soft kiss to the sensitive skin behind his ear. Taeyong’s eyes fluttered shut. 

“Do you want to lay down, Yongie?” Jaehyun purred, sounding a little sleepy. Taeyong could only nod. Jaehyun grabbed Taeyong’s wrist and led him down the hall into his bedroom. Jaehyun’s room was completely white but in a way that was ethereal and soft, not sterile like an all white bedroom could be. It was inviting and Taeyong felt like he was looking at the sky with the way the fluffy blankets resembled clouds and the light of the rising sun washed the room in a soft glow. Jaehyun turned Taeyong around and kissed him indulgently. Taeyong let his mouth fall open as Jaehyun ran his tongue along his lips. He reached up and wrapped his arms around the older man’s shoulders, sinking farther into the feeling of his chest. Taeyong was blissful, completely content with the warmth of the sun on his back and the warmth of Jaehyun enveloping his front. Jaehyun pulled back, breathing heavy.

“Will you be my boyfriend, Taeyong?” Jaehyun breathed, eyes boring into Taeyong’s.

Taeyong could only nod, taken aback by the sudden question. Taeyong knew that he was whipped on Jaehyun but he wasn’t sure that the older felt as strongly about him. Jaehyun smiled larger, heartbreakingly adorable dimples appearing on his face and Taeyong felt his heart tighten.

“Good, because I’ve wanted to ask you that since our first date.” Jaehyun murmured, kissing Taeyong on the cheek and making his way back to his lips. They kissed lazily for a few moments until Jaehyun backed Taeyong up against the edge of the bed. Taeyong felt a fire starting to light in the bottom of his stomach. Jaehyun pushed him and Taeyong fell back. Jaehyun giggled.

“Sorry, I’ve just always wanted to do that.” Taeyong laughed until Jaehyun got on the bed and pulled him up, resting his head against the pillows. Jaehyun was making sure he was comfortable, and that made Taeyong’s heart hurt. He pulled the larger man down for a kiss, wanted to be surrounded by warmth and affection and reassurance. Taeyong was going to let Jaehyun give those things to him, he decided. 

Jaehyun’s lips trailed down his nape, leaving small fleeting kisses that made Taeyong’s heart do back flips until Jaehyun ran his tongue up the column of his neck. The smooth piercing felt way too good against Taeyong’s warm skin. He was getting impatient, the feeling in his gut getting stronger. They kissed until Jaehyun pulled away, breathing labored. 

“Do you want to stop?” Jaehyun’s eyebrows were furrowed but his irises were filled with concern.

“No, let’s keep going.” Taeyong hoped that was permission enough because he didn’t think he could get any other words out. Allowing intimacy was a big deal for Taeyong. He let those people at the parties touch him, but the feeling of their skin on his wasn’t the same as Taeyong knew this was about to be. Taeyong willed himself to be vulnerable and to relax, to let Jaehyun take care of him.

Jaehyun obliged, kissing Taeyong silly. Like last time, his hands wandered to Taeyong’s waistband. Jaehyun lingered there, looking at Taeyong for permission. Taeyong was overwhelmed, head thrown back against the pillow. “Go ahead, Jaehyun.” 

Jaehyun nodded, pulling Taeyong’s pants and underwear off at the same time, leaving him exposed. Taeyong shivered at the cool air against his bare skin and he felt self conscious, but he pushed the negative feelings away. He had decided earlier he was going to let himself enjoy himself and he was sticking to it. 

“You’re beautiful, Taeyong.” Jaehyun smiled and it was genuine, causing Taeyong to flush a soft shade of red. Jaehyun took his member in his hand and pumped it, slow and languid. The feeling was already too much but Taeyong was still desperate for more. His eyes were closed, not sure he could take the sight that he knew there was going to be if he opened them. He couldn’t help but whine though when Jaehyun took his hard member into his mouth and it was nothing like Taeyong had ever felt, nothing like the hands and mouth on him when he was drunk at a party. It was so much better and so much more painful as Taeyong was completely aware, completely at Jaehyun’s mercy. Jaehyun’s lips were wrapped around him and he was excruciatingly aroused, hungry for release. When Jaehyun’s piercing grazed the underside of him Taeyong shuddered, relishing the sensation of the metal. 

Jaehyun pulled off and rested his cheek against Taeyong’s thigh. “Look at me, baby.” 

Taeyong could cry, it was too much. Jaehyun’s sweetness was too much coupled with the physical pleasure and Taeyong wanted more, so much more. He opened his eyes and brought himself up onto his elbows, looking down at beautiful, handsome Jaehyun, his boyfriend. The thought of that made him happy. Jaehyun took him back into his mouth and breathy, dulcet moans fell from his lips. He was getting close, Taeyong could feel it and he slipped a hand into Jaehyun’s soft hair. The older man looked up at him, meeting his gaze and Taeyong had butterflies. He was racing towards the finish line and he tugged on Jaehyun’s hair as a warning. Taeyong let out a choked cry as he climaxed, Jaehyun swallowing him down and fuck, that was hot. 

Taeyong collapsed against the softness of the bed completely satiated and exhausted, sinking into the plush mattress. He watched Jaehyun wipe his lip and crawl up next to him, pressing kisses to his neck and Taeyong felt so fucking good. 

“Was it good?” Jaehyun had a laughably innocent look in his eyes, starkly juxtaposed again what had just happened. 

“Yes, it was very good.” Taeyong could only laugh, breathless.

“Thank you for letting me do that,” Jaehyun said after letting Taeyong catch his breath. The younger couldn’t help but laugh.

“I really should be thanking you, Jaehyun.” 

“I’ve wanted to do that for a while now, so I’m happy I finally got to. You’re so beautiful, Taeyong. I know I already said it but it’s so true.” 

Taeyong smiled at Jaehyun, big and bright, and Jaehyun did the same. It was definitely morning now, the slots of the blinds letting in soft light. It shined against Jaehyun’s back and the way it reflected against his hair looked like a halo. He might as well have one, Taeyong thought. 

“Thank you, Jaehyun.” 

They pulled the comforter back and climbed in, both sinking into the bed. Jaehyun pulled Taeyong close and Taeyong breathed in, deeply. Jaehyun smelled good, he thought, he smelled comforting. They laid there in silence and sleep loomed over them. Taeyong wanted to say something before it overcame them, though. 

“I’m sorry about that one time, before.” Taeyong hoped Jaehyun knew what he was talking about because he didn’t want to explain.

“You really, really don’t have to apologize about that.” Taeyong could feel the rumble of Jaehyun’s deep voice from his chest as he spoke. 

“I feel sorry, though. It’s been really hard for me to feel good about myself, and I was scared. But I’m trying to let myself feel confident lately.” It felt good to advocate for himself, Taeyong thought. “I just might need some reassurance once in awhile.”

Jaehyun kissed his hair and breathed in the scent of Taeyong’s shampoo, sweet and flowery. “I’ll give you whatever you need, Taeyong. All you need to do is ask.” 

“Thank you, Hyunnie.” Relief flowed through Taeyong. “Should we sleep?”

Jaehyun hummed and held Taeyong a little tighter. Taeyong fell asleep, content. 

~~~

It must have been early evening when Taeyong woke up, still in Jaehyun’s bed. The older man was sound asleep next to him and he looked beautiful, Taeyong thought. His face was relaxed and his lips were parted slightly, steady breaths lining up with the rhythm of Taeyong’s heart. He was so tempted to fall back asleep but he knew he shouldn’t, because he had to sleep that night too. His tummy hurt a little and he sort of wanted to wake Jaehyun up so he could kiss it. He resisted.

Jaehyun woke up a little bit later and he rolled over, squishing Taeyong. Jaehyun, the little shit, totally knew this and giggled. He grabbed Taeyong tightly and buried his face in the smaller man’s neck. It was uncomfortable, but Taeyong felt resolutely adored. 

Jaehyun lent him a sweatshirt when he drove Taeyong home, afraid he would be cold. Taeyong took it without being modest, happy he had a piece of Jaehyun to take back with him. It smelled like sage and musk but most of all like comfort and safety. It smelled like Jaehyun.

~~~.

Taeyong finished up his last exam and could finally breathe. He was going back to Ten’s house for winter break, knowing it was a bad idea for him to go home. He, Ten, and Johnny were having a post-exam meal in the cafeteria, the three of them agreeing that eating their feelings was probably the best way to cope with new grades on their transcripts. The cafs were all you could eat once you got past the embarrassment of going up and asking the same worker for more food. Taeyong was smashing some pizza while Ten and Johnny chatted. They seemed pretty wrapped up in their own world and Taeyong was content eating and listening. He was texting Jaehyun too.

From: Jaehyun  
I’m gonna miss you this winter break baby

To: Jaehyun  
I’m gonna miss you too. Maybe i can come back a little early and stay with you for a day or two?

From: Jaehyun  
That would be perfect :)

It had been a couple days since Taeyong slept over at Jaehyun’s and he had seen him once since then. They had just went out to eat again and Taeyong was proud of himself for being comfortable with him. He really did think Jaehyun was special, with the way his hands touched Taeyong as if he would break and with the warmth in his voice when paying a compliment to him. The prospect of staying with him for a couple days was exciting and Taeyong couldn’t believe he was actually waiting for the end of break to come. Taeyong’s attention was snapped back to the present moment when he heard an ungodly noise come from Ten’s mouth. 

“Are you fucking serious?”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t fuck around about something like this dude.” Johnny’s low voice sounded and Taeyong could immediately feel the discord between them. 

“You have a girlfriend?” The look on Ten’s face was hard to describe, Taeyong thought. It was something like disbelief mixed with betrayal. “You told me a million times that you weren’t that type, that you weren’t one to be held down or some shit like that. Five seconds ago you were that objectifying motherfucker who slept with people for fun and now suddenly you have a girlfriend?”

“She’s different, she really is.” Johnny threw his hands up in defense. “I don’t know why you’re overreacting.”

“How did you meet her?”

Johnny hesitated. “She was a one night stand. I couldn’t stop thinking about her, though, and I wanted to see her again. It progressed from there.” 

“You’re such a fucking dick. What a fabulous thing to base a relationship on, just sex and nothing else, no friendship or trust or respect.” Ten was fuming. 

“Shut the hell up, Ten. You have no right to come after me for this. Shouldn’t you be happy for me, as my friend?” Johnny’s anger was obvious. 

“Oh, I’m happy for you. I’m really fucking happy for you, Johnny. I hope your relationship is wonderful and everything you haven’t even dreamed about.” Ten stood up, his chair screeching against the cafeteria floor. Taeyong was dumbfounded, unable to process what had just happened. He looked at Johnny and saw his face red and jaw slack, like he couldn’t believe what Ten had said. Taeyong bid him a pitying look goodbye as he raced off after Ten, headed upstairs to his dorm room. Ten was almost to the door when Taeyong caught up with him.

“Ten, wait,” Taeyong was out of breath. “What’s going on?”

“I’m in love with him, Taeyong. I’m so fucking in love with him.” Hot tears were running down Ten’s face and his breaths were labored. “I’m in love with him and it hurts so bad.” 

Taeyong pulled Ten into his room and sat him down on his bed. “For how long?” Taeyong knew it was a little twisted to ask. 

“As long as I’ve known him, probably. I’m so in love with him and I always made myself feel better by saying oh, Johnny doesn’t settle down, he just fucks around, and that’s not what I want.” Ten was hysterical, chest rising and falling rapidly. “But now he has a girlfriend, he actually feels something for someone.”

Taeyong hugged him, cradling Ten’s head and shushing him, desperate for him to calm down. Taeyong’s shirt was getting wet with Ten’s tears, and the smaller man was shaking in his arms. “Ten look at me, take a deep breath, okay?”

Ten shook his head. “He feels something for someone and it’s not me, it’s not fucking me Taeyong, and I’m so fucking stupid for believing that it could have ever been me.” His breathing wasn’t slowing down. “I know I have no right to be mad at him, or treat him like how I did just now, but it just hurts so bad. He’s my best friend, Taeyongie.” Taeyong stroked through his hair, letting Ten vent. 

Ten was silent for a moments save for his sobs. They were starting to die down and Taeyong was grateful for the sake of the boy in his arms. “He’s been nothing but good to me, nothing but a loyal friend and I fucked everything up by being a dumbass and falling in love with him. He’s the only one I want, the only one I’ve ever wanted, and I’m never going to have him.”

“It’s okay, Ten, you’ll be okay, I promise.” Taeyong was pulling the comforting words out of his ass, feeling choked up considering the situation. He hated that the smaller man was so upset, that one person could reduce him to a mess in a matter of moments. The charismatic, vivacious, fortitudinous Ten was stripped away. “He might be your friend but you deserve so much better, you deserve someone who is going to cherish you and love you as much as you love them.” 

Ten’s sobs started back up again. “I feel like I’ll never find them, like I’ll be alone forever without Johnny. I’ve dated other people, fucked other people, but my mind always finds its way back to him, it’s torture.” 

Taeyong noticed Ten’s phone light up with Johnny’s name behind them on the desk and Taeyong held Ten tighter, not wanting him to turn around and see. “Ten, listen to me please, you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met, you make me feel loved and appreciated and like I’m worth something. You’re my best friend, fuck, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had.” Taeyong couldn’t help but tremble with the genuinity of his words. He meant every single one. “You’re going to be just fine without him, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. You’ll be okay, I promise, you can start to move on and heal now.” 

“If you say so, Yongie.” Ten was calming down, but Taeyong knew the twisting emotions that must have been swirling in Ten’s gut, making him feel physically sick, helpless. Taeyong knew the feeling, and he didn’t wish it upon anyone let alone his best friend. Tears were sticking to Ten’s eyelashes and Taeyong’s heart hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha someone hold me


	8. bruises between hemispheres

Winter break was mostly uneventful. Staying with Ten’s family was delightful just like before and Ten’s mother was perfect in the sense that he fed Taeyong until his stomach ached and his head hurt. He wasn’t mad though, considering how delicious her cooking was. At one point he asked if he could be her son too; she just laughed and nodded her head. Taeyong could tell where Ten got his warmth from. Most of break Ten was still upset over Johnny, and Taeyong had to stop him a few times from going out and trying to rebound. He knew that would only make Ten feel worse about everything, and he wasn’t sure he could handle seeing Ten crying more than he already did. There were a few days were Taeyong was sniffly again and his throat was sore, but they came and went like they had first semester. There were a few days until classes started back up and Taeyong was at Jaehyun’s keeping to his word that he would stay with him for a little while before school. 

Taeyong was sprawled out in Jaehyun’s bed lazily, showered and ready to sleep. He could see the soft glow of light coming from the bathroom where Jaehyun was getting ready for bed, scrubbing his face clean and running a hand through damp hair. Taeyong couldn’t help but stare as Jaehyun turned off the light and padded over to the bed, pulling the covers back and collapsing on top of Taeyong. Jaehyun’s face was pressed into Taeyong’s shoulder and he breathed him in, content. “Hi,” Jaehyun breathed, “you’re so warm and smell so good and I never wanna get up.” 

“I’m going to have to breathe at some point, though.” 

Jaehyun groaned, snuggling into Taeyong closer. Taeyong sighed in defeat, slow breaths barely squeaking by under the weight of his boyfriend. “If you’re going to squish me, you could at least kiss me.” 

Taeyong regretted his words as Jaehyun began pressing kisses to the crook of his neck, teeth catching lightly on the delicate skin. His breath caught in his throat when Jaehyun dragged his lips down to Taeyong’s bare chest, kissing lightly at first but quickly mouthing harder at the firmness, teeth catching. Taeyong exhaled shakily as Jaehyun propped himself onto his knees and gripped his hips, fingertips pressing into his sides. 

Jaehyun’s mouth found it’s way to Taeyong’s with a nip at his bottom lip. “Have I told you how beautiful you are?” Jaehyun purred, nosing at Taeyong’s cheek. 

“Maybe once or twice,” Taeyong managed to reply, breathless from Jaehyun’s ministrations. 

“Good, because you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.” 

Taeyong’s lips were covered again, pried open by an insistent tongue. A tremors were running through his veins and this wasn’t enough. Nothing was enough if it was Jaehyun. Jaehyun must have sensed Taeyong’s desperation because his fingers were suddenly dancing up and down Taeyong’s sides, palms covering his chest with the occasional pinch that made Taeyong whine. Taeyong felt like he was melting under Jaehyun’s gorgeous hands, his skin soft and malleable. He was the canvas and Jaehyun was the artist. 

Betraying feelings of lust bloomed in Taeyong when Jaehyun pinned his wrists on either side of his head, kissing him harder, tongue insistent and teasing. A distant part of his brain wondered how many people Jaehyun must have kissed in order to be this good at it, but Taeyong fought back against the thought. He wasn’t about to let his anxieties ruin the moment, instead he was going to submit to Jaehyun and let himself enjoy being ravished. Kissing Jaehyun was nothing like Taeyong had ever felt before, it was like he was floating away but every nip from Jaehyun’s teeth brought him back down, chest swelling with pure affection. Jaehyun was something special, Taeyong thought. 

Jaehyun released Taeyong’s wrists and sweetly cupped his cheeks instead, lightening the pressure against Taeyong’s lips. The kisses now were soft, fleeting and peppered all over Taeyong’s face. He felt positively adored and a giggle slipped from his lips which Jaehyun smiled at, those dimples betraying Taeyong’s composure. They continued like that for a while until Taeyong couldn’t take it, hopeless for something more, something that made the heat inside of him burn hotter. He brought his hands up to Jaehyun’s hair, tracing fingers along his nape until it settled in the damp strands still wet from a shower, and Taeyong couldn’t help but pull, wanting a reaction from him. Jaehyun didn’t disappoint when a noise akin to a growl rumbled from his chest and he pulled his lips away from Taeyong’s, forehead resting against his, breathing heavy. 

“You’re too much,” Jaehyun laughed, breathy. Taeyong could hear his pounding heartbeat in his ears and he needed Jaehyun back, wanted his weight back on top of him so he could feel his skin against his. Taeyong whined, rolling his hips up, hoping Jaehyun got the message. The grip in his hair tightened as Jaehyun leaned back down to kiss Taeyong, hands beginning to roam his body. Taeyong felt like no inch of himself was untouched, violently but satisfyingly exposed. Jaehyun was demanding, licking the underside of his teeth and fingers pressing hard into Taeyong’s skin. Taeyong hoped there would be bruises. 

Much to Taeyong’s distress, Jaehyun’s lips parted from his and travelled back down his neck, gentle kisses turning harder as he progressed farther until he was biting, leaving possessive marks on the expanse of Taeyong’s skin. One particularly hard press of teeth making Taeyong yelp in between his desperate gasps, sensation heightened by the cool metal of his tongue piercing. It was so good, Taeyong loved the pain of Jaehyun marking him, loved the idea that he belonged to Jaehyun and Jaehyun belonged to him. He dug his nails into Jaehyun’s back, wanting Jaehyun to bite harder, to make him his. 

Jaehyun’s lips worked back up to Taeyong’s and he sighed, painfully aroused but content with the pace they were going. Jaehyun pulled back and kissed Taeyong on the cheek, forehead, eyelid, everywhere. Taeyong reached up and ran his thumb along Jaehyun’s cheekbones, admiring the cut of them and how they dipped down into his nose and ran up to his hairline, wet with perspiration from the exertion. They were both breathing heavily, exhausted by each other. Jaehyun collapsed next to Taeyong, rolling onto his back. The smaller man curled up to his side immediately. They laid there in comfortable silence until they caught their breath, content just laying next to each other. 

After a moment, Jaehyun resumed his position of laying on Taeyong and squishing the air out of his lungs. “I feel like we didn’t talk much about your break. How was it?”

“It was alright, I had to stop Ten from trying to go out and hook up with random people a bunch of times though. Other than that I relaxed, although I got sick a couple times.” 

“I feel like you get sick a lot,” Jaehyun mumbled into the soft skin of Taeyong’s neck. Taeyong hummed noncommittally. “Is Ten doing alright?” 

Taeyong had told Jaehyun about the situation with Ten, considering it occupied his mind most of break. “He’s holding up. He’s been ignoring Johnny, though, which I don’t think is a good idea.”

“Johnny doesn’t know the situation at all?” 

“Nope, he has no idea why Ten is so pissed.”

“That’s messed up, they were best friends, right?” Jaehyun said, pulling back to look at Taeyong.

“Yeah,” Taeyong answered, giving Jaehyun a kiss on the nose. “I’m gonna keep trying to convince Ten to explain the situation to Johnny. I think it’ll be easier for both of them if he does.” 

“It sounds complicated,” Jaehyun kissed Taeyong on the lips. “I’m glad we like each other so we don’t have to deal with that kind of stuff.” 

“I’m glad too, Jaehyun.” 

 

Taeyong woke up expecting Jaehyun to be next to him, but he was sad when he rolled over and the sheets were cold. He groaned in displeasure at the absence of Jaehyun’s warm body that he craved to touch. He opened his eyes and saw Jaehyun in the corner, an easel in front of him. The easel had a large canvas on it and Jaehyun looked engrossed in his work. Taeyong questioned whether or not he had even heard him. 

“Jaehyunnie?” Taeyong called out, needing attention in the morning. 

“You’re awake?” Jaehyun sounded startled, and a little frantic.

“Yeah, what are you doin-” 

“Nothing! I’m not doing anything.” Jaehyun laughed nervously, snatching up the canvas and running out of the room. Taeyong assumed he was hiding it and waited for him to come back in. After a moment he entered the bedroom again and Taeyong couldn’t help but admire him in the morning light, inked skin glowing and hair messy. He looked adorable and Taeyong wanted him in bed right now. Taeyong stuck both of his hands out, hoping Jaehyun got the message. 

He did, evidenced by Jaehyun launching himself onto the bed.next to Taeyong, pulling him close so Taeyong’s face was pressed into Jaehyun’s bare chest. The scent of soap was faint on his skin and Taeyong didn’t mind being smothered if it was like this.

“You’re so cute,” Jaehyun whined, squeezing Taeyong tighter. “I can’t stand it.”

“Thank you,” Taeyong giggled. “What were you painting just now?”

“It’s a surprise.”

“That’s no fair! You gotta tell me.” Taeyong pouted. 

“No can do.” Jaehyun said, pressing a kiss to Taeyong’s hair. Taeyong figured it wasn’t worth arguing with him, just wanting to enjoy the moment. 

~~~

The next few weeks found Taeyong wavering between feeling fine and bouts of illness. A chilly Wednesday in February found Taeyong curled up in bed, shivering violently, having come down with something nasty. He didn’t want to worry Jaehyun, so he called Ten instead to take care of him. 

“Sorry I made you come over and do this, Ten,” Taeyong coughed, feeling guilty. He felt like this was the millionth time Ten had doted on him while he was sick.

“Don’t be silly, it’s a best friend’s duty,” Ten said with a sympathetic smile. “You’ve done so much for me, lately,” he added, trailing off. 

Taeyong coughed, feeling illness catching in his throat. “Have you talked to Johnny yet?”

“I haven’t.”

“Come on, Ten. You know you have to sometime,” Taeyong was exasperated by the situation. “You’ll feel better if you clear the air between you two.” 

“I know I’ll feel better,” Ten said, sitting down in Taeyong’s desk chair and putting his face in his hand. “It just hurts so bad, Taeyongie.” 

Desperate for Ten to not cry again, Taeyong sat up and reached out to rub his back despite his stomach cramps intensifying at the movement. Ten turned his head and looked at him, a sad smile on his face. “You can start feeling better once you say something to him, Ten.” 

“I know. Should I text him right now?” 

“Maybe text him to meet up, but I think you should talk it out in person.” Taeyong eased back down, already feeling light headed. 

“I’ll text him later. Right now I need to make sure you’re doing alright.” Ten reached out and ran a hand through his hair. “Are you feeling any better?” 

Taeyong wanted to lie and say yes, but the way his head was pounding and his stomach was churning betrayed him. He really had been getting sick lately and he was starting to worry. “Maybe you should go home this weekend. Whenever I’m really sick, going home and seeing my mom always helps.” 

Unfortunately, Taeyong didn’t think it would be quite the same for him. “I don’t know, my mom was never really good at taking care of me when I was sick.” It probably was a good idea to go home, though. His mom had spent some time on earth as well as others in Empyrean. Maybe being on earth had something to do with him being sick. “But maybe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the sort of slow update.. hopefully future ones come easier to me! as always i appreciate your comments and kudos :)


	9. distant storm

“Taeyong? What are you doing home?” 

Taeyong didn’t tell his mother he was coming home; he wanted to avoid any potential interrogation until he could speak to her in person. His mother’s face when he knocked on the door and she opened was surprised. “You didn’t say you were coming back.” 

“Just for the weekend,” Taeyong said, pushing past his mother into the house. 

“Good to see you too,” she sneered, unhappy with Taeyong’s apathy.

“Sorry, but I feel like shit,” Taeyong plopped down on the couch with a cough. His mother sat in the chair across from him, a suspicious look on her face. 

“What do you mean shit?”

“I’ve been sick all the time and it doesn’t get away and only gets worse.” Taeyong felt pitiful and he wanted attention. His mother leaned back in the armchair. 

“Sick how?” 

“Cough, nausea, vomiting, you know, the works.” Taeyong huffed. “It started once I got there.” He watched his mother lean back forward and put her face in her hands, rubbing at her eyes. 

“I was worried about this,” she muttered, groaning. Taeyong’s attention was piqued. Worried?

“What do you mean?” Now it was his turn to be suspicious. 

“I’m not the one who should explain. I’ll find someone who can.” 

So Taeyong found himself in an office the next day, his mother sitting with him looking nervous. She was chewing on a nail and shaking her foot. It was obvious where Taeyong got his anxiety from. He found it funny, though, that she suddenly was worried for him. An older looking man walked in, glasses low on his nose. He sat down in a desk chair and spun to face the two of them. “So, what seems to be the problem?” 

“Who are you?” Taeyong couldn’t help but ask, considering he had no idea what was going on. The man glanced between Taeyong and his mother for a moment. 

“You could say I’m an expert on earth. Again, what seems to be the problem?”

“He’s sick,” Taeyong’s mother interjected, reaching out to put a hand on his back. Taeyong looked between her and the man, like he was missing out on something. 

“Sick how?” The man asked the same question as his mother. 

“Coughing, fatigue, vomiting, stuff like that.” 

“I thought since he’s half human it would be okay, but now I’m not so sure,” his mother said, pulling Taeyong closer. 

“Someone please tell me what’s going on.” Taeyong was frustrated, and scared. The man cleared his throat.

“Well, gods aren’t meant to spend a lot of time on earth,” he started. “Our bodies aren’t meant for it. Too much time on earth is one of the few ways a god can die.” Taeyong felt like a bucket of cold water had been dumped on him, dread seeping into his skin. 

“Okay,” he said, mind frighteningly blank. 

“You’re half human, so your mother thought that there wouldn’t be an issue, but it looks like there might be.”

“How much longer can I stay there?” Taeyong asked, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer. On earth he actually felt normal, like he could breathe and it wouldn’t be scrutinized by everyone around him. There were people there that he actually liked, who liked him. Who loved him.

“I can’t say for sure, but frequent vomiting is a pretty good indicator that it can’t be much longer. I would guess a few more months before it’ll become beyond the point of recovery.” Taeyong was catatonic. He had just got there, he had just managed to scrape up a semblance of self-esteem, and his new life was about to be ripped out from under him. He would have to come back home forever and live here and feel devastatingly wretched. The thought was enough to make him want to be sick. Or sicker than he was, at least. 

The way back to Taeyong’s house was shrouded in tense silence, neither him nor his mother wanting to speak first. 

“You know you can’t go back there, Taeyong.” she said with a sigh. Taeyong’s apathy shifted into anger and he was seething, he was so fucking angry this was happening to him and that the happiness that he finally found was being snatched away. All of his repressed emotions, his resentment, was bubbling to the surface. “You’re dropping out, I’m not letting you go back.” 

That was it. “Fuck you, mom, you’ve fucked up my life enough up until this point and I’d like to actually do something for myself for once. I don’t care about the risks, I want to go back.”

“What do you mean I fucked up your life?” His mother looked indignant. “I’m your mother, and you still have to listen to what I say.” 

“You know, I never asked to be born and raised in this fucked up, bigoted place,” Taeyong laughed, self-deprecating. “But I was born anyway, and I know you never wanted me, you don’t want me to this day. I get it, because I’m different, I’m trash, at least up here. It’s fucked me up so bad, mom, so bad that I can’t even think straight most of the time. The thought of having to encounter another god here makes me sick, and I don’t fucking want to come back.” 

Out of the corner of his eye, Taeyong could see tears running down his mother’s face. It took him by surprise, he couldn’t recall seeing her cry even once during his childhood. They were back to the house and he walked inside, watching his mother go and sit down on the couch. He wanted to get away, he didn’t want to see her, so he tried to go upstairs. His mother’s voice stopped him. “Please, come here. Please, Taeyong.” The emotion in her voice was shocking and if Taeyong didn’t know any better it sounded like she was begging. He obliged, sitting down across from her in the living room, unable to meet her eyes. 

“I love you, Taeyong, and that probably doesn’t sound like shit right now but it’s true,” she started, wiping tears from her cheeks. “Sure, you were a surprise and I was irresponsible back then, but you weren’t a mistake. As soon as I knew I was pregnant with you I loved you, I wanted to protect you and I’m sorry I couldn’t.

“I know everything has been so hard for you. I would see you come home from school and go straight to your room and lay there until it was time for dinner and sometimes you didn’t even come out then. It hurt to see you like that, it really did, but I know you were hurting more I’m sorry I didn’t do anything for you, I’m sorry I’ve been selfish. But you can’t go back there, you can’t, because I’ll lose you.” 

Taeyong’s mind was blank, he had never heard that many words out of his mother’s mouth at once. He felt his hands shaking and tears started to spill from his eyes, he couldn’t help it, all of the things he had been bottling up were manifesting and it hurt. 

“I want to be better. I wasn’t prepared to be a mother no matter how much I loved you, and you’d think I would have figured it out after all of these years but I guess I haven’t. I want to fix this, Taeyong, I really do. But you have to tell me what you need from me so I know what to give you.”

When Taeyong was having a hard time when he was younger, he didn’t reach out to his mom. He assumed she didn’t care, or didn’t want him to bother her, so he shut himself away and let his worries make him sick to his stomach every day after school. He dealt with the bullying himself because his mother couldn’t relate, so she couldn’t help. 

“I’ll try and be more honest with you,” Taeyong whispered. “I really, really want to go back though.”

His mother opened her mouth to protest but he raised a hand for her to stop. “I’ve met people down there who love me and are good to me, unlike anyone who I grew up with at school. I actually have a sliver of self esteem now and I don’t want to lose it, I don’t want to hurt again when I was just starting to feel better.”

He thought about Jisung in that moment, the little boy who reminded him so much of himself. Jisung who was worried about school but was sweet, good at heart and smart. Spending time helping Jisung made him feel like he was actually worth something. He cherished their time spent at the library, laughing over silly stories Jisung brings to read. 

His mind jumped to Ten, the first person he met at college. Lovely, kind Ten who pulled Taeyong out of his shell. Ten who took care of him when he was sick, consoled him when he was anxious or sad. He couldn’t leave Ten, that wouldn’t be fair. They had become best friends and they were there for each other, they loved each other in the purest of ways.

Then he thought about Jaehyun, gorgeous Jaehyun who made Taeyong’s stomach flip and heart beat faster. Jaehyun who looked at Taeyong like he had all the stars in the universe in his eyes, like he was the most precious being on earth. He made Taeyong feel alive, like he could go out and do anything. Taeyong was content just laying with him, looking at him, doing mundane things with him. 

“I know you want to go back, and I’m sorry. I don’t want to lose you, though,” his mother walked over and kneeled in front of him, cupping his face in her palms, thumbs wiping away leftover tears. “You’re all I have, Taeyong. I’m sorry, and I want to make our relationship better, but you have to be here for that to happen.” His mother laughed despite herself. Taeyong couldn’t look at her. 

“I want to make this better too,” he sighed, tears threatening to spill again. “But you have to let me go back. The guy said I have a few more months, right? Can I just finish this school year? Then I’ll come back.” 

“Okay, you can go back, but please come home earlier if you get any worse. I can’t lose you.”

“Okay, mom.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys im rlly thirsty for attention lately also im evil and im sorry for making this story sad
> 
> as always comments and kudos appreciated <3


	10. sweet proximity

The next week, Taeyong was having his weekly session with Jisung at the library. 

“Mr. Taeyong, you seem quiet today.” 

Jisung was observant, Taeyong was especially quiet lately. It was hard for him to feel like getting a word out was even worth it, because everything was going to end way sooner than he was ready for it to. Any word he said to Ten, Jaehyun, and even Jisung, was meaningless. So Taeyong kept his mouth shut, smiling bitterly at Jisung instead. He wasn’t pleased with the non-answer. “What’s wrong?” he prodded, reaching to grab Taeyong’s arm. 

“Nothing, Jisung, lets go back to reading okay?” Taeyong managed to get out, grabbing Jisung’s book and opening it back up but Jisung grabbed it out of his hands. 

“Tell me what’s wrong,” he demanded, an adorably angry look on his face. “Mr. Taeyong was nice to me when I was sad so I’m gonna be nice to him when he’s sad.” 

Taeyong’s heart twisted and he looked down. What was wrong, exactly? He had agonized over it ever since he found out he wasn’t able to stay and he had be subsequently ignoring everyone he knew. He couldn’t bear to bail on Jisung, though, so he found himself trudging to the library while actively trying to avoid Ten. He knew he couldn’t ignore Ten or Jaehyun forever, though, especially with the way that his phone had been blowing up the past few days. 

“Jisungie, what would you do if you knew you could never see someone ever again?” 

“Are you leaving Mr. Taeyong?” Tears were welling in Jisung’s eyes and Taeyong couldn’t stand it. The last thing he wanted was to break down in the middle of public. 

“No, I’m not leaving. I just am wondering,” Taeyong figured a white lie would be okay right now. 

“Oh, okay. I got really worried for a second, because you’re one of my best friends and I don’t want you to leave,” Jisung sighed, resting his cheek on the table and looking up at Taeyong. Taeyong didn’t think his chest could ache any more, but it did. “I think I would try and spend as much time with them as I could before I had to go.” 

Taeyong’s heart hurt, but he knew that was the right thing to do. 

 

He found himself on a bus to Jaehyun’s work Friday evening, wanting to surprise him after his class. Taeyong knew it could be awkward, considering he hadn’t been answering Jaehyun’s texts or calls since the previous week when he said he was going home for the weekend. He couldn’t avoid Ten forever, though, since the smaller had almost knocked his door in the other day. Taeyong made something up about being too sick to even get out of bed, which is what he felt like most of the time anyway. Ten scolded him for not texting him back, but Taeyong knew they were okay. He made his way off the bus and into the art center, asking a receptionist where Jaehyun was. 

The classroom door was open and Taeyong peeked in, stealing a glance at Jaehyun. He was in a plain black shirt and had his hair slicked back. The smock he was wearing was covered in paint. The way he was crouched down helping one of the student’s mix paint was endearing. Taeyong felt his heart twist for the nth time that week, this time in a different way. Jaehyun didn’t notice Taeyong at first, instead crouching down and smiling at the student. Only when the student glanced up at Taeyong did Jaehyun see him. The older man’s eyes lit up and he nearly ran over to Taeyong, whisking him out into the hallway and enveloping him in a tight embrace. 

 

“Oh my god, baby, where have you been?” Jaehyun asked, pressed into Taeyong’s neck. “You have no idea how worried I’ve been.” He pulled away, looking at Taeyong for an answer. 

Taeyong didn’t want to lie, but he didn’t know if he could tell the truth. “Well, I went home last weekend because I was sick and when I came back I was even sicker, like too sick to get out of bed. But I feel better today.” He couldn’t help but cringe at the words coming out of his mouth. 

“Please tell me next time, I was so worried Taeyongie. I thought I did something wrong, I, I don’t know what I thought. But next time tell me or at least answer my texts, I would have come and taken care of you.” 

“Okay, I’ll tell you next time, I’m sorry.” ‘Next time’ tasted like poison rolling off of Taeyong’s tongue. Jaehyun pulled him back into a hug, breathing him in deeply. 

“Class is over soon, wait for me?” Jaehyun looked hopeful and Taeyong wanted to deny him, tell him to stop caring because soon Taeyong would be gone, dead to earth. He didn’t have the heart. 

 

Jaehyun unlocked the door to his apartment and they both walked in. It was in it’s usual disarray, something Taeyong was used to at that point. Taeyong was pulled into the bedroom, the usual considering their Jaehyun’s favorite activity was to roll around and lay on top of Taeyong so he couldn’t breathe. The taller laid on his back and pulled Taeyong to lay on his chest, lacing a hand through his hair and closing his eyes. “I’m so glad you’re here, you had me so worried.”

Taeyong felt a little awkward. “You already said that.” 

“It's true, though,” Jaehyun hummed, slipping his fingers under Taeyong’s shirt, feeling his skin. His fingers caught on the ridges of Taeyong’s spine. “Have you been losing weight?” 

“Maybe. I’m nauseous a lot and it's hard to eat.” 

“Are you nauseous right now?” 

“No,” Taeyong mumbled, nuzzling further into Jaehyun’s warmth. 

“I’m going to make you food, then,” Jaehyun smiled, coaxing Taeyong up and taking him into the kitchen. Taeyong resisted, wanting to lay with Jaehyun forever. It was Friday, what was the point of getting up? 

Jaehyun whipped up some stir-fry with whatever was in his fridge, giving Taeyong tastes along the way as he stumbled through his spice rack. Taeyong thought Jaehyun looked beautiful, his hair messy from the bed and the beginnings of sweat beginning to bead near his temples. The food ended up being delicious and Taeyong was satisfyingly full. 

“Thank you, Jaehyun,” Taeyong said, standing up and pulling Jaehyun into a hug. He felt like he could use the physical comfort. There could never be enough with him. 

“Of course. Did it taste okay?” Jaehyun sounded genuinely curious and it made Taeyong smile. He nodded, cheek pressed to Jaehyun’s shoulder. “Are you sure I didn’t do anything wrong?” Jaehyun asked again after a moment, and Taeyong could only shake his head. 

“You didn’t, I promise you didn’t. It was just me being stupid.” 

“You know you’re not alone, right Taeyong? You have me,” Jaehyun murmured after a beat of silence. Taeyong couldn’t help but let out a sob and Jaehyun held him tighter. 

“I know now, Jaehyun, thank you.” Taeyong thought again about what Jisung said, that he should try and spend as much time with everyone as he could before he had to go. Leaving hurt to think about, but staying away from everyone hurt more. He didn’t want to worry anyone or make anyone sad, but that was inevitable. Taeyong thought that the moment he was shrouded in was bliss. There was nothing better than being in the arms of someone who cared about him and he wanted to enjoy it while he could. 

Taeyong reached around Jaehyun’s neck and pulled him down for a kiss, wanting to feel the older man against him. Jaehyun tilted his head and melted into Taeyong, pushing him against the kitchen counter. Taeyong was light headed, mind filled with something he couldn’t place. Something like a cool swim during a sweltering summer or the satisfying taste of hot chocolate on a cold day. Something like happiness and satisfaction at it’s rawest. Jaehyun kissed him harder, pressing forward until Taeyong felt small, helpless under his fingertips. 

Taeyong’s mind was fuzzy as he was pushed into the bedroom and onto the the soft blankets, Jaehyun hovering over him and kissing him senseless. Something in the back of his mind was reminding him that his time was limited, but he pushed it away and let his boyfriend ravish him, warm palms spreading out under his shirt and up to grip his collarbones. The shirt was pushed over his head and Taeyong was breathing heavily, thoughts clouded with only Jaehyun. He pressed a hand to Jaehyun’s back to pull him closer, craving even more of their skin touching. 

Jaehyun sat up and pulled his own shirt off and Taeyong traced the patterns on his skin with his eyes, heart caught in his throat. Jaehyun’s pupils were blown out and he was panting, with something in his eyes Taeyong couldn’t place. “Is this okay?” he breathed. 

“Yes, it's okay, keep going,” Taeyong whispered, heart pounding. He had a feeling he knew what Jaehyun meant and he wanted it so bad. The taller leaned back down and pressed kisses to Taeyong’s neck, the younger twisting underneath him. Heat was spreading like fire underneath his skin and he needed more, he needed Jaehyun. He couldn’t help the whimper that left his lungs. 

Jaehyun’s lips dragged over the skin of Taeyong’s chest, teeth catching teasingly on the way down until he reached Taeyong’s waist band. His hooded eyes begged for permission and Taeyong lifted his hips in submission, nervous but wanting nothing more than what Jaehyun was going to give to him. Jaehyun undressed Taeyong delicately, like he was going to break, whispering praises as more and more of Taeyong’s skin was exposed. The older was pulling off his own clothes and Taeyong felt like he couldn’t breathe, he could hardly stand to look at how beautiful Jaehyun was so he closed his eyes and willed himself to calm down. Lips were on his and he leaned into the kiss, feeling his body heat up more as Jaehyun reached down to touch him. 

Taeyong felt overwhelmed, like every sensation was amplified as Jaehyun stroked him and he whined, needing more. A shuddering breath left Jaehyun, like he was holding back and his ministrations paused. Jaehyun pulled back and looked at Taeyong, bringing his hands up to cup his face. His hands were so soft, Taeyong thought, truly those of an artist. 

“I love you, Taeyong, so much. I have for a while, and I want you to know.” 

 

Taeyong couldn’t help the tears welling up in his eyes. He didn’t think he would ever hear those words from his mouth because for longest time he felt like he didn’t deserve them. He felt like those words were reserved for someone worthy, for someone beautiful. The look in Jaehyun’s eyes softened. “Don’t cry, I’m sorry, did I upset you?” he whispered, thumb swiping away a stray tear that slipped from the corner of Taeyong’s eye. 

“Don’t be sorry, please don’t, I love you too, Jaehyun,” Taeyong blubbered, not even sure what he was saying. The only thing he was sure of was that he loved the man looking at him more than he had ever thought he could love a person. A soft smile spread across Jaehyun’s face and Taeyong’s heart was full. He couldn’t tell what he was feeling, but he knew it was strong and that he liked it. Taeyong supposed it was the feeling of being loved. He pulled Jaehyun down for another kiss and Jaehyun’s hands travelled to Taeyong’s hips, gripping them and pressing them into the bed. They kissed for some time and Taeyong was impatient, pushing his hips up hoping Jaehyun would get the picture. The taller collapsed for a minute and pulled back up, pressing a kiss to the corner of Taeyong’s mouth. 

“I want you so bad, Taeyong.” 

“Take me, please, I’ll give you anything.” 

Jaehyun kissed him before leaning over to the bedside table and pulling a bottle out of the drawer and coaxing Taeyong’s legs apart. Taeyong would be lying if he said he wasn’t at least a little bit nervous, a warm flush spreading up his chest to reach his cheeks. Jaehyun was kissing him, opening up his mouth and stealing all of the air out of his lungs. His eyes were squeezed shut. Jaehyun slicked his fingers and prodded at Taeyong’s entrance and the smaller thought he couldn’t breathe. The feeling was already overwhelming. Taeyong let out a sob when Jaehyun pushed a finger in and took him in his mouth at the same time, reaching down to tangle his fingers in his hair. Jaehyun looked up at him and Taeyong almost had to look away. 

Jaehyun started his ministrations, bobbing his head and moving his finger. Taeyong threw his head back into the pillow with a groan. The finger felt a little foreign, but it was already so good because it was Jaehyun. Jaehyun would do anything to make him feel good and would never hurt him. After a few moments Jaehyun added a second finger and fuck, this time it was a little uncomfortable. Sensing Taeyong’s tension, Jaehyun spoke up.

“Does it hurt, baby? We can stop,” he said, resting his cheek on the inside of Taeyong’s thigh. It was too intimate, too intense and Taeyong couldn’t look at him. 

“No, please keep going, don’t stop” he begged, not able to meet Jaehyun’s eyes. 

“Taeyong, look at me please,” Jaehyun breathed, trailing his other hand up and down Taeyong’s sensitive skin. The younger propped himself up and opened his eyes, feeling painfully aroused and exposed. “This is okay, right?”

“Of course, Jaehyun, it’s okay.” 

Taeyong felt a kiss to the junction where his hip and leg met and then Jaehyun went back to what he was doing. The drag against Taeyong’s insides was unfamiliar but he sort of liked it, how intimate it was. Jaehyun licked his lips and started blowing Taeyong again, slipping in another slick finger after a few moments. 

Taeyong was starting to get impatient, Jaehyun’s fingers not satisfying enough and he was whining, lifting his hips to ask for more. “Please, I need you now Jaehyun.” 

“Be patient, love,” he chuckled, “it would kill me to hurt you even a little bit.” 

Taeyong whined and stuck his bottom lip out, much to the amusement of Jaehyun, but the noise was caught in his throat as the older started moving his hand again. After an agonizing few minutes, Jaehyun pulled out and crawled back up to kiss Taeyong, reaching down to stroke him with lubed fingers. His other hand settled on his hip and Taeyong felt him line up with his entrance.

“Can I?” Jaehyun asked, eyes boring into Taeyong’s. The smaller nodded and Jaehyun slicked himself up. He pushed into Taeyong slowly, inch by inch, and the stretch was almost too much. It hurt and tears pricked at Taeyong’s eyes. Jaehyun noticed his discomfort and kissed him, trying to distract the younger as he fell slowly into his body. Taeyong’s hands scrambled to grip at Jaehyun’s back, desperate for something to ground him. 

 

Jaehyun let out a shuddering breath once he was fully seated, resting his forehead against Taeyong’s. “You feel so good, fuck,” he sighed, and the curse sent a shot of heat to Taeyong’s groin. The feeling was still uncomfortable but he wanted nothing more than to give in to Jaehyun, let him draw pleasure from his body. Jaehyun reached down to lift Taeyong’s leg for a better angle and started to move, after seeking confirmation from the smaller. 

The pain slowly faded to something sweeter, and before Taeyong knew it he was writhing underneath the older, begging for more. Jaehyun gave it to him, pressing into his body harder and spreading his hands all over Taeyong’s skin. He brushed past something inside of Taeyong that made his mind go blank and after that all the other could think about was more more more and there there there. 

“You’re taking me so well,” Jaehyun moaned, possession in his voice that made Taeyong shiver. He was so small, so delicate being caged in by the older’s inked arms and he loved the way it made him feel, like he was a treasure that Jaehyun was dead set on protecting. The pleasure was blooming inside of him and he felt warm, especially with Jaehyun sucking marks of ownership into his collarbone. 

Jaehyun found the spot inside of him again and kept pressing against it, driving Taeyong insane. He wanted so badly to come, to release all of the tension and emotion that had been building up inside of him the past week. Jaehyun was salvation and he wanted to bask in him, let himself be taken care of. Jaehyun reached down between then and gripped Taeyong, pulling Taeyong to the precipice. Taeyong had never come so hard in his life, stars blossoming beneath his eyelids. He was panting coming down from his high and Jaehyun was kissing him, thrusts getting faster and more erratic until he finished with a broken moan, filling Taeyong up and collapsing on top of him. They were both exhausted and sweaty, but they couldn’t be happier to be in each other’s arms. 

Taeyong’s hands raked through Jaehyun’s slightly damp hair, nails scratching lightly at his scalp. Jaehyun hummed in satisfaction, lips pressed to Taeyong’s neck. They caught their breath and Jaehyun raised himself up to kiss Taeyong properly, tongue slipping lazily into his mouth. They kissed leisurely for a few moments until Jaehyun rolled over, pulling Taeyong over so he could snuggle into his side. The younger threw a leg over Jaehyun’s lower half and rested his head on his chest, content. There were lips pressed to the crown of his head and arms slung around his shoulder. They laid there for a few moments, enjoying the afterglow and the feeling of their skin against one another’s. 

“I love you so much,” Jaehyun murmured, “like so much it’s crazy.” The last word came out with a laugh, like he couldn’t believe how true it was. “You’re so beautiful and I’m so lucky to have you, I’m so lucky that you let me have you.” Taeyong smiled into the skin of his chest and looked up at him. 

“I love you too, Jaehyun, and you’re welcome.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AYOO they finally did it lmao hope you enjoyed
> 
> comments and kudos appreciated as always


	11. echoes

Taeyong woke up to soft kisses on the back of his neck. His eyes fluttered open but it was too bright and he shut them again. He let out a breath and rolled over to face the man in bed with him. Without opening his eyes Taeyong wrapped his arms around Jaehyun’s neck, cuddling up close to him and breathing in his skin. Jaehyun sighed contently, pulling him closer and kissing his hair. What a lovely way to wake up, Taeyong thought. He felt so safe and so loved in Jaehyun’s arms. The innocence of the moment dissipated quickly, though, as Jaehyun in time rolled Taeyong onto his back and kissed him deeply. Taeyong was still half asleep, but he would never miss the chance to kiss his love. He laced his fingers in the older’s hair, pressing them closer together and deepening the kiss even more. Taeyong was so warm, so content with Jaehyun. It made his heart swell. 

His body was starting to wake up and they were already rid of their clothes from last night. Taeyong felt Jaehyun’s hands sliding down his sides, leaving goosebumps in their path. He shuddered, breath hitching. He felt blood rushing to where Jaehyun was headed and heat was starting to cloud his already sleepy mind. Jaehyun continued his ministrations, whispered praises in between moans until they both came down together, sated in each others arms. 

The rest of their saturday was spent lounging on the couch, kisses peppered in between naps and the commercials of some irrelevant sitcom. 

Later that week, Taeyong heard his voice being called out in the cafeteria. He turned around, spotting a desperate looking Johnny running towards him. 

“Taeyong, hi,” he breathed, out of breath. “What’s up?”

Taeyong felt a little awkward, considering the situation. He also didn’t know Johnny personally. 

“Nothing really, just getting food. What’s up with you?” He raised an eyebrow. 

“Wanna eat together?” Johnny forced a smile and Taeyong noticed the darkness around his eyes. He didn’t look super well, like he hadn’t been sleeping. Taeyong nodded and they sat down in a booth near the back of the cafeteria. Johnny only picked at his food, pushing it around the plate while Taeyong ate his heartily. He was taking the opportunity to eat when he felt well enough to keep something down. After a while, Johnny spoke. 

“Do you know why Ten isn’t talking to me?” 

“Has he really not said anything to you since that day?” Taeyong asked, exasperated. It was upsetting to Ten so sad all the time, and he figured the first step for him to start feeling better was to just talk to Johnny. The taller man shook his head. Honestly, it should have been obvious to Johnny why Ten wasn’t talking to him.

“Do you have any guesses why?” Taeyong asked, curious. Johnny shook his head, and Taeyong was annoyed by his obliviousness. 

“I feel like it should be obvious. Ten has, or had, feelings for you.” Taeyong wasn’t sure whether that was his information to tell, but he was leaving permanently in a short amount of time and couldn’t bring himself to give a shit. “Please don’t tell him I told you that,” he added for good measure.

Johnny looked taken aback. “Really? I had no idea.”

“I mean, he got angry when you told him you had a girlfriend.” Taeyong took a sip of his drink. 

“I guess you’re right.” Taeyong fought not to roll his eyes at Johnny. “It’s not like I did anything wrong, though.” 

“You’re right, you didn’t,” Taeyong paused for a second. “He just felt betrayed, I guess. What he told me was that you just slept around for fun and then all of a sudden you had someone, and Ten was shocked. I think the fact that you were promiscuous was how Ten justified to himself that you and him wouldn’t work.” 

“Why are you telling me this and not him?” Johnny sighed.

“Because you asked. It’s pretty hard to watch the person you like, like someone else.” 

Awkward silence filled the air. “We didn’t last anyway, me and her. I feel especially stupid now.” Johnny confessed, quietly. Taeyong laughed, bitterly. It was a bleak reminder of how everything was temporary. Feelings were temporary, therefore so were relationships. Situations were temporary as well, and that might be the worst of all. 

“I think Ten will come around. I’ve told him to talk to you probably fifty times but he keeps putting it off. Again, please don’t tell him I told you any of this.” Taeyong took the last bite of his food. 

“I won’t, don’t worry.” Johnny had a forlorn look on his face. “I hope he comes around soon, I miss my best friend.” 

For a split second, Taeyong pitied him. Really though, he pitied himself more at the moment. It was hard not to trivialize everything when it was all going to be ripped away from him in due time. Any happiness he had, any moment of joy or weightlessness, was interim. Taeyong’s bleak outcome was inevitable, and it hurt to think about. He had avoided the topic all week, how he was going to tell everyone that he wasn’t coming back to the university in the fall. Or ever. Taeyong gave Johnny a curt goodbye and stood up, keen on returning to his room and falling asleep until he felt a little better. 

Taeyong woke up from a nap by a rap on his door, presumably Ten. He was right when he cracked it open before opening it wide for Ten to come in. “What’s up?” Taeyong asked, still in a sour mood. Ten’s hair was wet from a shower. 

“I’m stressed,” Ten groaned, collapsing onto Taeyong’s bed and rolling so he was face down. Taeyong took a seat at his desk next to him. “My dance showcase is coming up and I’m so nervous.” 

Come to think of it, Taeyong had never seen Ten dance before. The party in the beginning of the year didn’t count. “Is the dance hard, or something?” 

“It’s sort of hard, yeah. Plus it’s a solo stage and there are gonna be so many people watching. I’m so nervous and I hate it.” Ten’s voice was muffled by Taeyong’s pillow. Taeyong patted his head. 

“If you’re practicing so much, you’ll do great no matter what,” Taeyong tried to comfort him. “I saw Johnny today.” 

Ten raised his head from the pillow. “Seriously? What did you guys talk about?” 

“I don’t know, just random stuff I guess. He asked me why you aren’t talking to him, though.” 

“What did you say?”

“I played dumb,” Taeyong lied. “He told me he broke up with his girlfriend, though.” 

Ten groaned. “God, are you serious? He seriously cannot commit to one person.”

“I dunno, he seemed upset about it,” Taeyong shrugged. “I think you should talk to him, seriously. Don’t put it off anymore, you guys are best friends, right?” 

“Yeah, I guess we are.” Ten pressed his face back into the pillow. “How are you and Jaehyun?” 

“Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. He said I love you,” Taeyong said, and based on Ten’s face he was about to start screaming. “We also fucked.” Ten was really started screaming, rolling off of the bed and hitting the ground in his fit. 

“Oh my god, are you kidding?” Taeyong had never seen Ten look this amused. “How was it? Was it amazing? Are you no longer a pure little flower?”

Taeyong was trying not to be embarrassed, but blush was staining his cheeks anyway. “It was nice, yeah.” 

“I knew it would be, oh my god, I’ve never been this excited in a while. You’re no longer my innocent baby,” Ten rambled, giggling at the same time. Taeyong wasn’t even this excited, but he let Ten have his silly moment. His heart hurt, though, he would really miss the kid. He would miss how sweet he was but at the same time how sassy he could be. His laugh was infectious and it never failed to make Taeyong smile like it did right now, despite how sadness was threatening to turn it into a frown. Taeyong wasn’t sure he would ever find a friend like Ten ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize for such a short update after such a long time. my life has honestly turned to shit recently lol so its been hard to bring myself to write. i'm hoping the next update can be up later this week. thanks for being patient with me and as always kudos and comments are appreciated. see you next time!


	12. but still i fade

An almost asleep Taeyong woke up to his phone ringing. 

“Hi, were you sleeping?” His boyfriend’s voice asked.

“A little bit, maybe,” Taeyong wasn’t sure what he was saying.

“I’m sorry for waking you up, baby, but can I come pick you up?” 

“Mmm, okay, lemme get my stuff together,” Taeyong mumbled, rolling to turn on his desk light. Before long Jaehyun called him to let him know he was there and they went to Jaehyun’s apartment. It was surprisingly put together considering its previous mess.

“Looks like you cleaned up,” Taeyong said, ruffling his still mussed hair. 

“Yeah, I finally finished all of the pieces for the showcase,” Jaehyun murmured into Taeyong’s temple, enveloping him in a hug. “Let’s get in bed, it's late.” 

Taeyong wasn’t going to fight Jaehyun on that, letting him be pulled to the bedroom and onto the soft comforter. He took a moment to admire his boyfriend in the dim light as he pulled his shirt over his head, leaving his bare torso in the open. Taeyong’s stomach flipped at the broadness of his shoulders and the slight softness of Jaehyun’s tummy just above his waistband. He suddenly felt a little less sleepy. Jaehyun climbed on top of him and collapsed.

“I love you and everything, but I can’t breathe,” Taeyong managed to get out. 

“Let me just do this for a second,” Jaehyun said, his breath raising goosesbumps on Taeyong’s skin. He breathed in deeply and pushed himself up so he was looking down at Taeyong, and the younger felt strangely exposed. “Sorry, I’ve just been so stressed and busy this week and I missed you.” A small smile graced his face and a blush bloomed on Taeyong’s cheeks. He was still so shy around Jaehyun sometimes. 

Jaehyun leaned in for a kiss, soft against his nose before moving down to his mouth, taking Taeyong’s bottom lip in between his. Taeyong’s head hurt but he was determined to enjoy the moment, to let himself love and be loved despite whatever pain he was in--emotional or physical. He still hadn’t told Jaehyun about what was happening to him, what was going to happen to them. It burned up his insides and dread filled his stomach, but he couldn’t bear telling Jaehyun. Not when Jaehyun was so good to him and not when he loved him so much. Taeyong knew this bliss, the warmth in his chest wasn’t going to be there forever. Jaehyun’s lips were bittersweet in the moment, and Taeyong held back tears. 

“I want you, baby, please,” Jaehyun spoke into Taeyong’s skin and he shuddered, nodding his head. He need the distraction, needed the comfort so he could maybe feel okay for just a second. Jaehyun kissed him again and Taeyong kissed back hard, pulling his boyfriend down closer and breathing in his citrusy cologne. Jaehyun always smelled so good and Taeyong was going to miss it. Jaehyun’s hands slipped under Taeyong’s shirt, skimming over his skin and pushing the shirt over his head. Taeyong let himself be undressed until he was bare under Jaehyun, shivering from the brisk air of the room. Jaehyun liked to keep the thermostat down, preferring to snuggle close rather than turn on the heat. That was another thing Taeyong was going to miss. 

Ever generous, Jaehyun traveled down Taeyong’s torso and took him in his mouth, dizzying Taeyong’s mind with heat. Taeyong was so lucky to have Jaehyun, it made his chest hurt. The tension in his body was building with every bob of Jaehyun’s head and the way he was looking up at him made his heart clench. Jaehyun continued until Taeyong finished and then kissed him again, murmuring affirmations and praises that wiggled their way into Taeyong’s aching heart. 

Jaehyun’s hands skimmed his sides, reaching down to prep Taeyong. It was slow, patient, and Taeyong wanted more, wanted to forget was was happening to him. 

“Are you okay?” Jaehyun asked. Maybe Taeyong’s expression gave him away. 

“Yes, keep going please,” Taeyong said, not able to meet Jaehyun’s eyes.

“I don’t mean like that, you seem sort of distracted right now.” 

“I’m okay, I promise,” Taeyong lied, pulling Jaehyun down for another kiss and Jaehyun continued, pushing him to the edge over and over again until Taeyong couldn’t breathe. They both finished and came down together, exhausted in each other’s arms. 

“Taeyong?”

“Yeah, Jaehyun?” 

“Can we be together for a really long time?” 

God, Taeyong was really going to cry now. He wanted so fucking badly to say yes, let’s stay together forever, let me be in your arms like this every night. Never in his life did Taeyong think he could love a person this much. He didn’t think he could ever be loved so much either by another living being, but here he was in the embrace of the most beautiful, kindest, sweetest person he’d ever met. Taeyong didn’t know what to say, so he pulled Jaehyun closer to him, hands trembling and nails biting into the skin of his lover’s back. “I love you,” he whispered into the crook of Jaehyun’s neck.

“I love you too, Taeyong.” 

He knew the older had taken his words as an affirmation, a commitment, but despite the genuinity they almost tasted bitter rolling off of Taeyong’s tongue. He knew this was going to hurt, and in no way was he prepared. Jaehyun fell asleep close to him, holding him tightly but Taeyong stayed awake for a little longer, praying to whatever god would hear him that Jaehyun wouldn’t feel his tears. 

The day of Jaehyun’s showcase rolled around and Taeyong took his time getting ready, dressing up so he looked good. He wasn’t sure how Jaehyun was going to act, if he was going to pay attention much or if he was going to be busy talking to others. Taeyong wanted to look good anyway, but his stomach hurt really bad and the dullness of his skin was especially noticeable. The nausea was worse than it had ever been, but he had to get through it for Jaehyun. The older was so excited for Taeyong to see the showcase and he kept talking about the main piece. Jaehyun said that the main piece was so special, Taeyong absolutely had to see it. Taeyong would be lying if he said he wasn’t a little nervous to see what it was. 

The gallery was in the art building on campus, a bit of a walk from Taeyong’s dorm. Jaehyun was apologetic that he couldn’t come get Taeyong and walk him there, but apparently he had to get everything set up early and didn’t want to bother Taeyong with that. So the younger walked to the art building and was shocked when he saw how many people parked outside, all for Jaehyun’s gallery. He felt a sort of pride swell beneath his ribs. 

Refreshments were set up when he walked in the building and Taeyong knew why Jaehyun was so nervous. This was a big deal, his senior showcase. There were probably going to be countless people he had to impress, so many anxiety provoking situations, and so many judging eyes looking at the works of art he had poured his heart into. Taeyong peered into the gallery and spotted his boyfriend, looking absolutely gorgeous. His hair was styled and pushed back and he was wearing all black, a turtleneck and pants that fit him perfectly. Taeyong’s heart was in his throat and he felt choked up all of a sudden. 

Jaehyun noticed him from outside the gallery and almost ran over, taking Taeyong into a big hug and holding him tight to his chest. Taeyong’s cheek was pressed to his shoulder and he brought his arms around him, savoring the moment. 

“Come on, I want to show you something,” Jaehyun said as he pulled away, eyes sparkling with moisture that Taeyong couldn’t pinpoint. His stomach turned angrily, a reminder of how shitty he felt. “Close your eyes, okay?” 

Taeyong shut his eyes and let himself be pulled into the gallery, not sure where he was headed. Jaehyun stopped him and he felt arms wind their way around his front and a chin on his shoulder. “Okay, open them,” Taeyong heard whispered to him. His eyelids fluttered open and he was breathless. 

It was the showcase piece, lights shining on it and framed elaborately. Colors swirled together beautifully to portray a someone’s back, muscles relaxed in sleep. Feathers surrounded the person on the bed, light shining on their head almost like a halo. He read the caption underneath it: Inamorato. It was angelic, it was breathtaking, it was incredible. Tears welled up in his eyes immediately, overwhelmed with emotions. Jaehyun held him tighter.

 

“It's you, Taeyong.” 

Tears were coming down Taeyong’s face right now and he turned around in Jaehyun’s embrace. 

“I love you, I love you so much Jaehyun,” Taeyong said, a sob breaking in his voice. “It’s so beautiful, thank you so much.” 

“I love you too, baby,” Jaehyun pressed a kiss to his forehead and Taeyong threw his arms around the older’s neck, clinging to him like his life depended on it. He willed himself not to cry, not to make a scene on Jaehyun’s big day. His body was shaking with contained sobs and Jaehyun kissed his hair. It was blissful, but the pain in his stomach was getting worse and worse. 

Jaehyun held him until he calmed down and then he pulled away. His stomach was really hurting now, his gut twisting in protest of himself. It was like a timer was ticking, taunting Taeyong with how much time he didn’t have left. He managed a smile, and tears were in Jaehyun’s eyes too. 

“I have to go talk to someone. I want you to come with me, okay?” Jaehyun said, palms resting on Taeyong’s cheeks. Taeyong could only nod as the bile bubbled angrily in his stomach. They walked over to where a man was standing, tall and intimidating with his back facing the opposite direction. 

“Mr. Lee, it’s great to see you here,” Jaehyun said with a smile, but Taeyong could hear the tremble in his voice. “Taeyong, this is Mr. Lee, he runs the best art gallery in the state.” 

“It’s nice to meet you,” Taeyong gulped. From the nervousness in his eyes, Taeyong could tell that impressing Mr. Lee was important. 

“Jaehyun, great work as always,” Mr. Lee looked down at Taeyong. “You must be the muse, it’s very nice to meet the person who inspired such beautiful art.” 

Taeyong smiled, shy, and Jaehyun took the conversation from there, the dialogue between them was nothing but white noise to Taeyong. He was really feeling bad, his mouth was watering and he knew that he had to go. His gut twisted again and he tried not to gag, the back of his throat burning. 

“I’m so sorry, if you could excuse me,” Taeyong mumbled. A look of concern marred Jaehyun’s beautiful face and Taeyong felt so awful, he was ruining this opportunity for Jaehyun. It was Jaehyun’s big day, the day he had been working so hard for and Taeyong was fucking everything up. He pulled away from the conversation and ran out, looking desperately for the bathroom. 

He found it, thank god, and ran into an open stall, emptying the contents of his stomach into the toilet. Taeyong’s eyes were watering and he was such garbage, he should just die because he was so useless. He couldn’t even keep it together for five seconds so that Jaehyun could have his moment. Taeyong leaned back against the stall, trying to catch his breath. His stomach didn’t hurt anymore, but he was crying. The more he thought the more he sobbed, until he dry heaved, nothing left for his stomach to expel. Dread filled him when he heard the bathroom door open. 

“Taeyong?”

It was Jaehyun, probably coming to tell him that he ruined Jaehyun’s big break, that they were over, that Taeyong should just leave him alone. Taeyong sobbed more. His boyfriend appeared in the doorway to the stall, worry in his eyes.

“Taeyong, god, what’s wrong?” Jaehyun crouched down and held Taeyong’s face, wiping the tears away from his cheekbones. Taeyong just shook his head, words caught in his throat. “Taeyong, please talk to me, do we need to go to a doctor? You’re sick all the time, and I’m really worried about you.” 

“I can’t, I can’t Jaehyun,” Taeyong blubbered, pulling the older down and throwing his arms around his neck, crying into his shoulder. “I can’t, Jaehyun, I have to go, I’m really sick.” 

“What do you mean go? I’ll come with you.” 

“You can’t come, I have to go back to my mom, I can’t stay here.” The sound of Taeyong cried echoed against the bathroom walls. “I have to leave at the end of the semester.” 

Jaehyun held him for a moment, eventually pulling back. Taeyong’s heart clenched when he saw the tears in Jaehyun’s eyes, threatening to spill over. The taller rested his forehead against Taeyong’s. 

“Let’s go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please roast me


	13. left in this

“How long have you known?” 

The dread that had been collecting in Taeyong’s gut for the past few was billowing out of him like smoke, filling the car and making it hard to breathe. He knew he wasn’t the only one who was choking on it, and that made the guilt plaguing him intensify. How fucking unfair, to keep this from Jaehyun. From Jaehyun who had been perfect to him, so sweet, so understanding despite all of Taeyong’s shortcomings. 

“A few weeks now.” 

Everything that had happened in the past hour made the situation feel far too real. Taeyong doesn’t know if he had ever felt this shitty, not when he was ostracized at school, not when his mom made him feel like a mistake, not even when he found out his health was disintegrating at the expense of his happiness. Knowing that he was hurting his love, the person that made him feel worth something, was worse than any of that. Jaehyun sighed, breath shaking. 

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” 

Because I’m not brave enough to think about losing you, Taeyong wanted to say, but he didn’t have the courage to do that either. The thought of never being able to touch Jaehyun again, to hear his voice, was terrifying. The lump in Taeyong’s throat was rising at the silence, demanding that Taeyong say something. What could he even say though? What would be good enough to justify his cowardice to Jaehyun? 

“I was afraid.” 

“So am I, Taeyong. I’ve been afraid for a while. Do you know how hard it’s been to see you withering away and to listen to you pretend that you’re okay?” 

Taeyong squeezed eyes shut, tears spilling out of the corners to leave tracks on his face. Regret was making his heart beat erratically. Taeyong’s body was fighting to keep him alive, but he wanted so badly to will himself into sickness, into hell where every cell in his worthless body would burn. Jaehyun probably wanted that for him too, at this point. 

“I’m sorry, Jaehyun,” there was a pause in the conversation. “What do we do now?” 

The seatbelt pulled tightly against Taeyong’s torso as he curled in on himself, bringing his knees to his chest to make himself as small as possible. What was stopping him right now from telling Jaehyun to pull over and let him out of the car, so that he could leave Jaehyun alone forever. He didn’t deserve Jaehyun, not even a little bit. Jaehyun’s heart was raw, painful, and it was all Taeyong’s fault. He hadn’t done his duty, he hadn’t protected Jaehyun’s feelings. Isn’t that what love is about? 

Jaehyun didn’t say anything, his eyes still shining from unshed tears. They pulled up to his apartment complex and headed wordlessly up the stairs to his place. Normally when Taeyong was led into Jaehyun’s apartment he was happy, excited. But right now the cloud of dread from the car ride followed him, ominous over his head. It took Taeyong by surprise when Jaehyun hugged him, the older’s fingers clutching Taeyong like he would die if he let go. It sort of felt like he was going to, so Taeyong hugged Jaehyun back. The tremor in Jaehyun’s sinewy muscles split another crack in Taeyong’s heart. 

“This isn’t fair.” 

Taeyong had never hear sadness that intense in Jaehyun’s voice. What a funny, uncharacteristic thing for Jaehyun to say. He was the mature one, strong and fortitudinous, Taeyong’s anchor. For a second Taeyong felt guilty, for breaking him down, but after a thought he realized that only made him love Jaehyun more. Jaehyun was vulnerable for Taeyong, so trusting. It made Taeyong cry harder than before.

“It’s not, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry Jaehyun.” 

“God, do you have any idea how much I love you?” Jaehyun laughed sadly, despite himself. “I love you so much, so fucking much. Like more than I ever knew I could love someone.” 

Taeyong was really crying now, sobs wracking his body, chest tense pressed against Jaehyun’s. 

“I don’t want to leave, I want to stay here forever. The only way for me to get better is to go home and get treatment.” Taeyong wasn’t sure if Jaehyun knew how much he meant that. He really did mean it, that he would be perfectly happy wrapped in his boyfriend’s strong arms until he died. The thought of that was so fucking bittersweet, because if he did stay the end would come so much sooner than it should. Why couldn’t Jaehyun just come up with him, live with him together in the clouds for the rest of time? 

“I wish you could stay.” 

Taeyong wished he could too. Jaehyun had shown him so much, shown him that he could actually matter to someone. Ten and Jisung did too, but the way Jaehyun looked at him like he was the most precious person alive, like he was worth gold and diamonds and everything valuable. It was like when he was with Jaehyun, anything insecurity he had melted away. Even after he left Jaehyun’s side, he was okay. Before coming to school, most of Taeyong’s time was spent alone, over thinking and tearing himself down. How could he not have? No one ever made him feel like he was enough. Now when he was by himself, he actually let himself breathe. Of course he still felt bad here and there, but it was a lot better now than it was. He really didn’t deserve someone as wonderful as Jaehyun. 

The two of them went to the bedroom and laid down, Taeyong’s head on Jaehyun’s chest. Taeyong clung to his boyfriend’s warm body, savoring the feeling of his fingers carding through his hair. Jaehyun’s cologne was comforting, still clinging to his skin even after stripping off his clothes for the showcase. Oh right, the showcase.

“Did I ruin your showcase today?” Taeyong asked.

“Not at all,” Jaehyun laughed. “Mr. Lee is going to put my stuff in his gallery.”

Taeyong laughed too, relieved. “I’m really happy for you, Jaehyun. You deserve it, you work so hard.” 

“It was your beautiful self that inspired the piece he liked most. So I should be thanking you, probably.” 

Taeyong turned his face to hide in Jaehyun’s chest and his rumbling laugh tickled Taeyong’s cheeks and made his broken heart feel a little better. They laid there and Taeyong was almost content for a moment, forgetting about the situation at hand. Crying was exhausting and Taeyong wanted to sleep, to let dreams fill his mind and push out all of the negative thoughts. It was getting later, but Jaehyun’s voice woke him up a little. 

“Taeyong, will you listen to me for a second? I know we’re in the shittiest situation of all time right now. You getting better is obviously the most important thing right now, but I want to spend as much time with you as I can if you’ll let me.”

“You deserve better than me, Jaehyun.” 

“Stop. Don’t start with that.” Taeyong was scared by the hardness in Jaehyun’s voice. “You’re more than I could ever ask for and I love more so much, so don’t try and tell me that you’re not good enough for me. I care about you so much, so please let me.” 

Taeyong was going to start crying again. He had been trying to let himself feel loved lately but sometimes it was still overwhelming. Words escaped him at the moment, so he just pulled Jaehyun closer to him. Jaehyun held him tighter and Taeyong trembled. 

“I want to make the most of this time we have left together, okay? I just, I can’t think about it and I want to just-” Jaehyun was getting choked up and Taeyong was crying, bone-tired and surprised he had tears left to spill. Taeyong clung to the older like his life depended on it. He could see leaves budding on the tree outside of Jaehyun’s window and found it ironic how the earth was coming to life at the moment but slowly sapping his health at the same time. 

“I love you Jaehyun, let’s be together for whatever time we have, okay? I want to enjoy whatever time I have left-” on earth, Taeyong almost said. “-have left here.” 

Jaehyun pushed Taeyong onto his back so he could lay on top of him, hiding his face in the crook of the smaller’s neck. 

“For right now, I’m not going anywhere,” Taeyong murmured, heartbroken. He had changed his mind, love wasn’t protecting someone else’s feelings. This is what love is. Love is being cherished and cherishing someone else through anything. Love is also knowing when it's okay to let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only two (?) more chapters after this left to roast me, so do it while you can


	14. ghost unto your sweetness

The lights were dimming in the largest auditorium on campus. The dance club’s spring recital was starting and Taeyong was in attendance, Jaehyun by his side in the soft chairs. Taeyong found it hard to believe he had never seen Ten dance before this point but life got in the way. He was excited though, because Ten was working so hard lately and he was so passionate about dancing. Jaehyun snaked an arm around Taeyong’s shoulder and he leaned into the larger’s warmth. Jaehyun pressed a kiss to his temple and rested his head on Taeyong’s shoulder. 

Telling Ten that he was leaving was about as painful as expected. They both cried, understandably upset about losing each other’s best friend. Taeyong apologized over and over in Ten’s arms and the smaller tried to comfort him, sniffly. (“It’s okay, Taeyong, it’s okay, we’ll both be okay. I just want you to get better.” “Thank you, Ten, for everything.”)

Various students performed, all beautifully, and it went on for an hour or two. Taeyong was getting impatient, anxious for Ten to perform. Ten had told Taeyong that he was going last and Taeyong was so excited to see him. There were a couple duets and then finally, as per the program, Ten was to perform. The dimmed spotlights warmed to an intense pink, focusing in on the center of the stage where Ten was standing. He was dressed in a long white robe, belted at the waist with a black choker around his neck, the same one Taeyong borrowed on a night a long time ago. An instrumental started playing, strings running up and down a scale hauntingly and it gave Taeyong chills. Ten started moving and it was like nothing Taeyong had ever seen. 

His moves were fluid and elegant, in time with the music. The lights were shifting from red to blue and back to pink as the intensity of the song waxed and waned. Ten was flawless, completely captivating and Taeyong was speechless, unable to take his eyes off of the stage. The choreography ended with Ten on the ground, surrounded by back dancers and the music faded. 

“Wow,” Jaehyun whispered, just as impressed as Taeyong.

“Yeah, wow.” 

Jaehyun and Taeyong were in the lobby enjoying the reception and they could hear the chatter among the other audience members, most of them talking about how impressive the last performer was. Taeyong felt a swell of pride in his chest and he smiled. 

“Taeyong!” Ten’s voice called from behind the couple. He was in casual clothes but the choker was still around his neck. He was flushed and looked exhausted, but the smile on his face was a dead giveaway of how happy he was. Taeyong hugged him tight, shaking a little bit. 

“You were so amazing, so fucking amazing, seriously,” Taeyong gushed, and Ten laughed, smile on his face even wider. 

“Thank you, Taeyong. And thank you for coming.” Ten said. “Hi, Jaehyun,” the smallest of the three greeted, turning to Taeyong’s date. 

“You were really great, Ten,” Jaehyun complimented, dimples on his face. Ten grinned as a thank you and Johnny came up to the group of them. 

“Ten, you were incredible!” Johnny smiled, hugging Ten. Ten giggled, flustered with a blush on his face. It looked to Taeyong that the two of them had made up. 

“Thanks, Johnny.” 

The four of them chatted, Johnny unable to stop gushing about how cool he thought Ten was and it made Taeyong’s heart hurt a little bit, seeing how easily all of them got along. It could have been so fun to hang out, the four of them, if there was only a little bit more time. Taeyong listened to them talk animatedly and his mind wandered to what could be, the four of them having lunch on the weekends, laughing, sharing the good and the bad with each other. It could have been amazing. Eventually the lobby was cleared out and conversation tapered off. 

Johnny and Ten said goodbye and walked off together, Ten giving Taeyong another hug before leaving. Taeyong and Jaehyun were left and Jaehyun wrapped his arms around the smaller from behind, resting his chin on Taeyong’s shoulder. Taeyong sighed, leaning back slightly against his boyfriend’s chest, letting himself enjoy the solidness and the warmth of the taller. 

“Do you wanna go home?” he asked, soothing in Taeyong’s ear.

Home, Taeyong thought. What a funny concept, home. For the longest time he figured it was his bedroom in Empyrean, most of the time dark and lonely. It was the only place where he felt remotely happy, comfortable, or safe, so he figured that must have been home for him. Now, he wasn’t so sure. He felt so happy when he was at the library with Jisung, reading a children’s book and listening to the little boy’s giggle when something silly happened on the colorful pages. He felt comfortable when he was with Ten and they were in the cafeteria, complaining about the shitty food or making lame jokes with each other. Taeyong felt so incredibly safe when he was with Jaehyun, wrapped in his arms, warm. Jaehyun made him feel like nothing bad had ever happened to him, and if anything ever did it would be okay because there was so much love now to fill in the hollow spaces in between Taeyong’s ribs. What Taeyong felt for Jaehyun was love at its purest, its most beautiful. Taeyong figured that his was about as close to home as something could feel. Later that night, watching the lights out of Jaehyun’s car window, that was home. When the two of them stood side by side in the bathroom brushing their teeth, that was home too. Home was when Jaehyun pressed Taeyong into the mattress and took his breath away. The soft, warm body sleeping next to his, limbs tangled with Jaehyun’s soft exhales leaving goosebumps on Taeyong’s neck was definitely home. 

Sometimes home had to be left, Taeyong thought while he was laying there that night, an ache in his chest. 

~~~

Finals were wrapping up. Taeyong tried not to worry too much about them considering they weren’t that high of stakes, at least for him. Ten on the other hand was up to his eyes in assignments and study guides, not leaving much time for them to hang out. Taeyong understood, though, Ten had a lot riding on his grades and Taeyong only wanted success for him. Apparently a couple entertainment agents had attended the spring recital and contacted Ten, but he turned them down. Literature was his passion and Taeyong admired him for that. It would have been cool to see him on television sometime, though. During his free time Taeyong laid on Ten’s bed while the other took notes or reviewed lecture slides, the two of them talking during study breaks and laughing like they always had. 

The last night of finals week Jaehyun took him out to eat, the same restaurant they went to on their first real date, their coffee outing not included. The waitress’s face lit up when she saw Jaehyun walk in and she gave him a hug before turning and telling Taeyong it was good to see him again. They ordered the same thing as last time, the same pasta dish, and Jaehyun ordered the same bottle of wine. It was nostalgic, their dinner. 

“I was so nervous last time we were here,” Jaehyun said, taking a sip of the wine. 

“No you weren’t,” Taeyong giggled, thinking back. “I was more nervous than you.” 

“You have no idea how nervous I was! Do you not remember me frantically trying to impress you, like my life depended on it? I’m surprised you didn’t see my sweat stains from how much I was freaking out.” 

“What was there even to freak out about?” 

Jaehyun laughed, throwing his head back and causing Taeyong’s stomach to flip. “What was there to freak out about? How about how amazing you are? I couldn’t even think straight because I wanted to impress you so bad. All I could think about was how fucking lucky I was that you were sitting in front of me, that you had agreed to go out with my lame ass.” 

“You’re not lame! I was just as nervous as you, I promise. I basically cried in Ten’s room that whole day because I was so nervous.” 

They laughed, reminiscing on the early days of their relationship. How scared they both were, the blushes on their face, the bliss when they first kissed. Taeyong forgot all about his situation, the end that was so close. His head hurt but he ignored it because he was so happy at the moment. 

“Thank you, though, Taeyong.” Jaehyun murmured, quiet all of a sudden.

“Thank you for what?” 

“For agreeing to go out with me that first time, and the time after that too. And basically every time that you’ve ever talked to me.” 

“Of course, Jaehyun. Thank you for asking me. It’s been the most amazing time of my life, being with you. It's hard to think that I’ll ever find someone like you again, Jaehyun.” And you have no idea how much longer I have, went unsaid. Jaehyun smiled sadly, softness in his eyes.

“That’s not true, Taeyong. I’m nothing special, honestly. You’re the kindest, most interesting, strongest, most beautiful person I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. You’ll find someone at home who will love you better than I ever could.” But you are home, Taeyong wanted to say. 

Tears pricked at Taeyong’s eyes. “If you say so,” he sad, picking at his food. “I love you so much, Jaehyun. I never knew I could feel so loved, so special.” 

“You are, Taeyong. You really are. I love you so much.” 

“I love you too.” 

They talked as they finished their dinner, conversation lighter than before. The sadness of the evening waned away leaving them surrounded in soft light and love. Taeyong was happy, he really was. The past couple weeks had given him time to think. He would be fine when he went home. His mother and him were going to get better. He talked to her, told her how he felt and she was okay. They would talk more and listen to each other. He knew how to make friends now, too, something he could never do before. It would be difficult, the difference between Taeyong and the others in Empyrean stark. Not everyone would be like his high school classmates. People grew up, were more mature, and would accept him. The difference between him and Ten was drastic, but it was okay. They still got along better than anyone. 

Most importantly, he knew how to be loved. Jaehyun had helped teach him, but he had to learn himself too. It was hard at first, to let himself feel special and it was still difficult sometimes not to tear himself down. Taeyong still struggled but more often than before did he think of himself positively, like he was worth something. He let himself be take compliments now. When Jaehyun called him beautiful he let himself believe it. Taeyong was confident that when he went back to Empyrean he would be okay. He would go home, and he would be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter should be up soon. sorry i didnt proof read lol


	15. in you i grow so tired

“Taeyong! Come downstairs!” Taeyong heard his mother call to him from up in his room. It was way too early to be up on a Saturday but Taeyong didn’t dare stay in bed. Begrudgingly, he left the warmth and softness of his comforter and pulled on clothes, padding down the stairs. The kitchen smelled divine, and he saw his mother standing in front of the stove. She was busy fixing something and Taeyong smiled.

“I’m making your favorite, so I figured I would wake you up so you could eat breakfast with me,” she said, taking what was in the pan onto a plate and setting it on the kitchen table. Taeyong scooted out a chair and sat down, not hesitating to dig in. 

It was autumn. The leaves on the trees out of the kitchen window were a brilliant orange, fluttering lightly in the brisk wind. Summer was difficult for Taeyong, mostly. The heat was always exhausting, coupled by loneliness. It was funny how alone he had felt while everyone around him was enjoying the weather, laughing and joyous. It was hard for Taeyong to get out of bed in the thick of the sweltering heat, but each day was easier than the previous. By the time fall rolled along, Taeyong was up everyday, smiling. He took a bite of food, breathing in deeply and closing his eyes. 

He thought to one particular morning several months prior where he had woken up to an empty bed, the smell of cooking wafting into the bedroom. The light was bright coming in between the slats of the blinds so Taeyong closed his eyes again, not wanting to get up. After a few more minutes of sleep, Jaehyun had come in with breakfast, hot and delicious. They fed each other that morning and Taeyong smiled at how cheesy the memory was. This morning and that morning were both pleasant. They were just different. As soon as he and Jaehyun had finished their meal that morning, Taeyong had buried back under the blankets. He remembers how Jaehyun’s laugh sounded when he chided him for being lazy, no bite behind his words. 

Later that afternoon, Taeyong’s mother asked him if he wanted to come to the store with her. He agreed, enjoying spending time with her lately. She pushed the cart around as he dawdled behind her, feeling like a child again--especially when he slipped junk food in the basket without her seeing. He did the same thing with Jaehyun once. They were at the convenience store one time when Jaehyun needed to pick something up. Taeyong with ever the sweet tooth snuck up behind Jaehyun at the register and slipped a candy bar on the counter. Jaehyun giggled and reached to tuck Taeyong under his arm as he handed money to the cashier. Taeyong knew now that when he pouted his lip and batted his eyelashes, it was hard for anyone to say no to him. 

The mail was splayed on the ground in the doorway when the two of them came home. Taeyong picked up the mess, looking through the letter that had arrived. Most of it was just the usual bills and other junk, but one particular piece of mail caught Taeyong’s eye. It was a simple white sheet of paper, folded into thirds. The outside simply said his name. Curious, he headed upstairs with it.

The handwriting on the inside made Taeyong gasp. He read the letter, hands shaking. 

_Dear Taeyong,_

_I’m wondering if you’ll ever read this. Probably not, because you never gave me an address of where you’d be but for some reason I felt like putting this in the mailbox unaddressed anyway. Maybe I just need to write down my feelings, even if nobody ever reads it._

_Anyway, I wanted to say how much our time together meant to me. When I first saw you that day in class, I had no idea what we would become. There was so much space between us, so much fear and insecurity. You won’t believe me, but that day you were so beautiful that I was scared to speak. Every day after that you were more and more beautiful. Honestly, thinking about it makes my heart ache._

_When I was younger I didn’t think that love was real. I had seen my parents fight from morning to night and it made me sick, it made me cry. Before, all of the shitty love songs on the radio made me sick and relationships in movies and TV shows were ridiculous to me. Now, both of those things just make me think of you. Never in my life had I been happier than the time I was with you._

_Right now it’s still hard, for you and for me. I know that you had to go, that it was the right thing to do. You needed to get better. All I want for you is health and happiness. I think a little part of me will always be in love with you though, and that's okay. First loves are like that, I think. You’ll always have a piece of my heart. I’ll always think of you when I see the soft petals of flowers, or when I listen to my favorite song. That doesn’t mean I can’t move on, and that doesn’t mean you can’t either. We both will. It’s what we both deserve._

_What I’m writing probably making any sense, but neither does love. It can make you so sad that all you can do is stand there, melancholy hitting so hard that you don’t know what to do with your hands. I think that you and I both know that feeling. We also both know that it can make you so happy that it's like nothing can hurt you. Nothing can take away the soaring feeling in your heart, like you’ll never be this happy ever again. We’ll both be that happy again, though, I know it._

_Right now I’m taking a break from working on a piece for the gallery. I’m still teaching at the art center. The class I’m in charge of right now is ceramics for elementary schoolers. You would hate how messy it is, I think, but I sort of love it. Life is going on. I think that right now you’re probably with your mom, hopefully laughing and healthy. I already said this, but a part of me will always be yours. There is no doubt in my mind that you will cherish it. I’ll cherish the piece of you that I have as well. I promise._

_I think I should go now. Mr. Lee’s deadline is coming up quick and there’s a lot of work to do. You probably have stuff to do too, and I don’t want to keep you. You’re beautiful, Taeyong, and I am so incredibly thankful to have known you. Be good, okay?_

_Always,  
Jaehyun. _

Setting down the tear stained paper, Taeyong smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you've made it this far, thank you!
> 
> i'll start by telling you that this fic was inspired entirely by the song mauerbauertrauigkeit by closure in moscow. i highly recommend listening to it, because i think it captures very well the emotions of this fic. also, its possibly my favorite song of all time. you'll see that the title and all of the chapter titles are from the lyrics. 
> 
> i felt kind of dumb halfway through writing this because i became aware that its stupidly parallel to my life and my (former) relationship. i meant to base this fic off of a lot of my experiences especially at college, but the more it progressed the more i realized how similar my situation was to the fic. the reason why updates were slow in the middle were because my life turned to shit, if you read the fic you can maybe guess why a little bit. i'm not sick though, don't worry!! taeyong and jaehyun's relationship in this fic was pretty personal, as well as the way it ended. i definitely cried while writing that letter at the end. 
> 
> a huge thank you to everyone who left comments and kudos, and to everyone who read. seeing your comments and kudos always made me happy, especially when things were hard for me. if anyone wants to come talk to me, you can find me at winwintrash.tumblr.com. theres another thing that i'm writing currently, so look forward to that if you like. thanks again for reading, and see you next time :)


End file.
